As the world turns (or how I keep spinning my wheels)
To say this last year has been fun and exciting would be pretty much a bold faced lie. While not as bad as 2009, it has sucked pretty much most of the year. I just hope the next two months dont somehow twist and turn to make 2010 worse than the previous year.
3 days ago marked the one year anniversary of my mother's death. Its a loss I still haven't really come to terms with. Time does not make it easier, in many ways I think it makes it worse. I still have a hard time believing a year has passed.
Time has pretty much lost most if not all meaning of late. I have tried to keep busy with things, hobbies, friends, activities, trips, games. Anything to keep my mind occupied and not focused on myself. It has help to some degree as when I am focused on one thing, I tend not to think of other things.
But therein lies the problem, I am not focused overall. For so long I have tried to keep my mind on 1 thing at a time, that I have lost all my focus outside that 1 thing. Motivation is in short supply and I for the first time in a long time feel lost and aimless. Like there is no purpose or direction currently in my life.
To make it worse, I cant seem to get out of this rut.
I need something to need me.
I see that now, most of my life has been trying to take care of someone. growing up I had my Grandmother who raised me and I in turn, looked after her. Then she passed away and I was taking care of my mother, helping her with whatever she needed help with and being there for her. Now she is gone and I am lost.
No one needs me to look after them anymore and I don't know what to do with myself.
I love my partner, but he doesn't need me to care for him. He is fully capable of looking after himself as I have seen time and time again.
Without that purpose there is no drive to do anything but live and that isn't cutting it. The saddest part about all of this is I know this but I don't feel it. I know I am in a rut but I don't feel overly concerned about, just enough to acknowledge it but not enough to give me a new purpose.
Not working hasn't been helping. If nothing else it has allowed this rut to grow. I honestly don't know what to do, or what I can do about it. But then again what would working accomplish? I worked to have money to take care of the people I loved, not because I wanted to. If I was working tomorrow, why would I be doing it? Money? for what? I don't believe in working for working and money is only useful if you have something or someone to spend it on. So would I have even a desire to do a job if I got one or would I fail because I don't care about it?
Life is too short to deal with other peoples shit unless you have to. I dealt with a lot of shit because I had to, so I could take care of people. Now I don't.
I see a lot of my friends and acquaintances going about their lives and enjoying it and I am envious. I want to be happy to be happy. I want that something back that died with my mother. I've lost the fire I once had and now my soul is cold. (poetic isn't it).
3 days ago marked the one year anniversary of my mother's death. Its a loss I still haven't really come to terms with. Time does not make it easier, in many ways I think it makes it worse. I still have a hard time believing a year has passed.
Time has pretty much lost most if not all meaning of late. I have tried to keep busy with things, hobbies, friends, activities, trips, games. Anything to keep my mind occupied and not focused on myself. It has help to some degree as when I am focused on one thing, I tend not to think of other things.
But therein lies the problem, I am not focused overall. For so long I have tried to keep my mind on 1 thing at a time, that I have lost all my focus outside that 1 thing. Motivation is in short supply and I for the first time in a long time feel lost and aimless. Like there is no purpose or direction currently in my life.
To make it worse, I cant seem to get out of this rut.
I need something to need me.
I see that now, most of my life has been trying to take care of someone. growing up I had my Grandmother who raised me and I in turn, looked after her. Then she passed away and I was taking care of my mother, helping her with whatever she needed help with and being there for her. Now she is gone and I am lost.
No one needs me to look after them anymore and I don't know what to do with myself.
I love my partner, but he doesn't need me to care for him. He is fully capable of looking after himself as I have seen time and time again.
Without that purpose there is no drive to do anything but live and that isn't cutting it. The saddest part about all of this is I know this but I don't feel it. I know I am in a rut but I don't feel overly concerned about, just enough to acknowledge it but not enough to give me a new purpose.
Not working hasn't been helping. If nothing else it has allowed this rut to grow. I honestly don't know what to do, or what I can do about it. But then again what would working accomplish? I worked to have money to take care of the people I loved, not because I wanted to. If I was working tomorrow, why would I be doing it? Money? for what? I don't believe in working for working and money is only useful if you have something or someone to spend it on. So would I have even a desire to do a job if I got one or would I fail because I don't care about it?
Life is too short to deal with other peoples shit unless you have to. I dealt with a lot of shit because I had to, so I could take care of people. Now I don't.
I see a lot of my friends and acquaintances going about their lives and enjoying it and I am envious. I want to be happy to be happy. I want that something back that died with my mother. I've lost the fire I once had and now my soul is cold. (poetic isn't it).