(no subject)
I've just read a thread on the Forum. A prayer request. A member asked for us to pray for her high school friend, who apparently was in something "worse than a coma." I read down the thread, through those offering their support, and then another post: her friend had passed. I checked up to see how recent the thread had been started, and was surprised that so soon, within a day, this result came of it. That post and a few following talked about the importance of high school friends. Two older members advised us youngins to hold on to high school buds. I've read a story or two on the Forum in the past about old friends from back in the day, and how special those relationships are. After reading the whole thread, I sat back, thinking--grabbing racing thoughts. And the more I thought, the tearier my eyes got. I know high school friends are important. I do. I don't want to make myself a special case, but with the circumstances I've had lately, it probably makes the most sense to apply that to me. Yet, since I've graduated, I really haven't shown any intent of firmly following that concept. I think I've been working towards parting as much as possible rather than keeping in touch and keeping close. It's my selfishness..getting in the way. I think I've been wanting to start fresh while stepping forward. I've not made any significant bonds in the past months I've been here, and it does not bother me. It does bother me, though, that even though I don't mind if things stay like this within these next few months into the coming year, that it will continue on. And I will have permanently shut off any means of forming new relationships. It will be harder to make friends in the future, won't it? I guess maybe I'm envious of those who've had the chance to make a ton of friends throughout the four years of high school, so there's a bigger pool to draw from when falling back on old buddies. My friends, those I considered truly close and within a certain circle of trust, were very limited. I suppose too little when I compare myself to others. I am mad, but I mad at no one in particular. There's probably nothing much I could do to alter anything. I think I can count them all on one hand, or maybe two..at most. And, further, I've accepted that though someone might be on my list, I certainly shouldn't be surprised if I don't make the cut on the other end. For those, ties are very loose, nothing is really concrete, not enough I suppose to have reason to carry on a full, unrelinquishable friendship of random phone calls and surprise visits. Godparent? That has no right to cross my mind. Wedding invite? Sure, if I'm lucky. And so, in a way, recently I've had this sort of desire to hope that I will find new friends, with whom I can share much. The thing is, I finally thought, is that this will be a difficult task. Those who qualify for the "Friends for Life" category have better credentials when they're closer to my youth years on the timeline. When we're younger, we learn so much about each other. We spend a lot of time together in school and out, picking up on habits, similarities, weaknesses (and this, we learn to get over when the commonalities overshadow), etc. Basically, I guess you can learn the most, and the best of a person while they're still young. While you can't wholly predict who or what he or she will become, later on, you will know somewhat about how he or she became...which I believe, is richer knowledge. Plus, it's so easy to gain trust when we're younger. If I can remember all the times different people came up to me and said, "Don't tell anybody, but.."... As we mature, this thing, this all-important cohesive on which a friendship engrosses its foundation on, takes--I'd say--more than twice as long to build. How would one know how to trust another if there's barely any past evidence of worthiness? It's all experience. I think maybe the only person I can really apply some of the things I just mentioned, enough so that I would truly make the effort (and know the other is doing the same) is none other than the significant other. Even that part, is still weary. One scary thing I think about is, if I have a new friend, and the chemistry backs this gain, damn, how the heck can I really know if that person will or won't go psycho on me?? There's just too much to consider. And time just goes by too fast. I've wanted new friends, yet I have substantial reasons to fear the likeness of that. Our best friends, are the ones we've known all along. It's...it's given me such a headache to write this!!