that nagging feeling (caution...long entry)
so i'm bored at work...again...and i have that nagging feeling...again
but this time, it's for a different reason...not about tami...for once lol
since i am bored at work and i have nothing else to do and i'm in kind of a nostalgic mood..i decided to dig in my past via livejournal.... it helped me bring my mood way up..and i'm still up, i really am..but i think of this other person..a girl from my past...and present, i hope...
i think of all the times i let her down, or said the wrong thing, or stopped talking to her...i regret that, even to this day, i don't think she understands what an influential force she's been in my life..and i know that, if she doesn't, it's because i never conveyed it properly to her..
i know it's from three plus years ago..but stumbling upon a certain entry made my heart just drop...i remember the conversation and i remember what i said...to a certain extent..it was on of those stupid, unfair, hypothetical questions that someone asks you on a whim or a drunken night...now listen, i don't put it very far past myself to say the wrong thing or choose the complete wrong words and be wholly misunderstood...but that's no excuse...even three years later..but certain things make sense now...it's like i'm three years behind her mentally and i'm now just getting to the point that she was...i look up to her..always have..from day one, honestly...and now that i'm at the point in my life that i'm in..with the moods i've had and the feelings and emotions i've felt the past couple months, i understand more...i've always kept an eye on her, whether she knew it at the time or not...
back in those days, i was so scared of her, and how i felt around her..she was genuinely my first love... i honestly just didn't understand these things..i don't know why i feel like i have to explain this when i'm sure it's all just water under the bridge at this point........so much has changed...and i so much wish that i was in a better mood at her wedding...this last trip to MA was so wonderful in so many ways, and a bust all at the same time...i need to go back and spend time with other people...just for my own selfish reasons so i can sleep better knowing that i've physically shown them in person how much i miss and adore them...
i feel like i'm standing still and have been for nearly two or three years now and everyone has just been going on with life..and making memories and being happy...i want to be there to...i guess the whole point of this entry is basically just to say, "whatever i said or implied to a third party, i was wrong...or misunderstood..or just plain stupid"
and i hope you didn't hold it against me for too long and have since forgiven me...i ask a lot for forgiveness..but my confidence is shaken..at no fault of yours...
sometimes, when you dig through your past, you need to be prepared to find ugly things, regretful things...even if you're just skimming for happy memories and thoughts...your mistakes will always be there to teach you lessons and make you remember why you love the people you love so much...
i know it's a moot point by now..but again...i apologize for insinuating anything besides complete adoration for you....regret aways rears its ugly head at times like these..but rest assured you are, have always been, and i hope always will be my guardian angel...someone who guides me through dark times..even if we lose touch from time to time and whether you know it conscientiously or not...you are
maybe i'm thinking too much..(maybe?! psshhhh) i don't want to feel like i'm making one of those, "i've always loved you...we should be together" type of entries..cuz i'm honestly not...just, because of recent events in my life i feel the need to go to certain people that i've always relied on..and if there's someone i've always relied on, it's her..and i want her to know that beyond the shadow of a doubt...
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besides all that jazz..things have good lately..a little weird and hard to swallow at times but good...i feel like i need a change of venue...or something...just a change...my heart ebbs and flows from day to day and within any normal day...i still miss the connection we had, i appreciate you calling last night at 1:30am while you were on break, because i know, on some level, you still think about me and my feelings...and maybe you understand how much you wounded me...jeez, i'm getting tired of this..i need to go back to writing just updates of daily events on this thing..I'M getting tired of hearing/reading about it...and i know, if there is anyone that still reads this regularly, that you are as well...so i apologize lol...i'm just going to concede to the fact that there are certain things i'll never be comfortable with in regards to you...and there will be some things i just never will grasp tightly enough to digest it...i'm on the fence as to whether or not i want to hang out with you...ever...but i'll just be a fucking grown-up about it...cuz that's what i need to do....
but this time, it's for a different reason...not about tami...for once lol
since i am bored at work and i have nothing else to do and i'm in kind of a nostalgic mood..i decided to dig in my past via livejournal.... it helped me bring my mood way up..and i'm still up, i really am..but i think of this other person..a girl from my past...and present, i hope...
i think of all the times i let her down, or said the wrong thing, or stopped talking to her...i regret that, even to this day, i don't think she understands what an influential force she's been in my life..and i know that, if she doesn't, it's because i never conveyed it properly to her..
i know it's from three plus years ago..but stumbling upon a certain entry made my heart just drop...i remember the conversation and i remember what i said...to a certain extent..it was on of those stupid, unfair, hypothetical questions that someone asks you on a whim or a drunken night...now listen, i don't put it very far past myself to say the wrong thing or choose the complete wrong words and be wholly misunderstood...but that's no excuse...even three years later..but certain things make sense now...it's like i'm three years behind her mentally and i'm now just getting to the point that she was...i look up to her..always have..from day one, honestly...and now that i'm at the point in my life that i'm in..with the moods i've had and the feelings and emotions i've felt the past couple months, i understand more...i've always kept an eye on her, whether she knew it at the time or not...
back in those days, i was so scared of her, and how i felt around her..she was genuinely my first love... i honestly just didn't understand these things..i don't know why i feel like i have to explain this when i'm sure it's all just water under the bridge at this point........so much has changed...and i so much wish that i was in a better mood at her wedding...this last trip to MA was so wonderful in so many ways, and a bust all at the same time...i need to go back and spend time with other people...just for my own selfish reasons so i can sleep better knowing that i've physically shown them in person how much i miss and adore them...
i feel like i'm standing still and have been for nearly two or three years now and everyone has just been going on with life..and making memories and being happy...i want to be there to...i guess the whole point of this entry is basically just to say, "whatever i said or implied to a third party, i was wrong...or misunderstood..or just plain stupid"
and i hope you didn't hold it against me for too long and have since forgiven me...i ask a lot for forgiveness..but my confidence is shaken..at no fault of yours...
sometimes, when you dig through your past, you need to be prepared to find ugly things, regretful things...even if you're just skimming for happy memories and thoughts...your mistakes will always be there to teach you lessons and make you remember why you love the people you love so much...
i know it's a moot point by now..but again...i apologize for insinuating anything besides complete adoration for you....regret aways rears its ugly head at times like these..but rest assured you are, have always been, and i hope always will be my guardian angel...someone who guides me through dark times..even if we lose touch from time to time and whether you know it conscientiously or not...you are
maybe i'm thinking too much..(maybe?! psshhhh) i don't want to feel like i'm making one of those, "i've always loved you...we should be together" type of entries..cuz i'm honestly not...just, because of recent events in my life i feel the need to go to certain people that i've always relied on..and if there's someone i've always relied on, it's her..and i want her to know that beyond the shadow of a doubt...
------------------------------------------------------------------
besides all that jazz..things have good lately..a little weird and hard to swallow at times but good...i feel like i need a change of venue...or something...just a change...my heart ebbs and flows from day to day and within any normal day...i still miss the connection we had, i appreciate you calling last night at 1:30am while you were on break, because i know, on some level, you still think about me and my feelings...and maybe you understand how much you wounded me...jeez, i'm getting tired of this..i need to go back to writing just updates of daily events on this thing..I'M getting tired of hearing/reading about it...and i know, if there is anyone that still reads this regularly, that you are as well...so i apologize lol...i'm just going to concede to the fact that there are certain things i'll never be comfortable with in regards to you...and there will be some things i just never will grasp tightly enough to digest it...i'm on the fence as to whether or not i want to hang out with you...ever...but i'll just be a fucking grown-up about it...cuz that's what i need to do....