Presentation
Hey diary,
Well I'm still not doing very well. I've had a really stressful couple of days at work.
I don't even feel that great about expressing how I feel right now. I feel like just a can't adequately convey how I feel, and I feel exhausted.
Tomorrow I have a presentation at work. I am concerned about having a mental breakdown in front of others.
I just hope I can come out of this okay.
I only want to be free of my fear of judgement from others. I mean it's a good thing to have it somewhat, but I don't want it anymore.
I just want a genuine happiness.
I have been too unfair to myself for too long. I've belittled my own opinions and not given myself what I've needed.
I no longer understand myself or know who I am. I have conflicting self beliefs.
I find it perplexing that part of me has no fear about giving the presentation. But another part of me is afraid I'll have a panic attack in front of 20 people.
I've imagined what I'll do if it happens. What kind of excuse can someone give in the middle of a presentation? There is no excuse. Just a shit show as you suddenly become a freak and the subject of gossip after people see you having a mental breakdown in front of them.
I guess I would probably put in my notice if it happened. Not sure what I'll do. I can't think of a single excuse to give to get up and leave in the middle of a presentation.
I guess I'm just going to have to take one of my last precious ativans to prevent a panic attack.
I feel very angry at my boss for forcing me to do this after someone else was planned to do it. I didn't have to do this. He did it "for" me. I feel frankly violated because it was against my expressed will and that makes me livid.
I really don't want to be angry at my boss. He's really a nice person at heart.
But I'm just suffering so much because of this and I resent him not listening to me and causing me so much stress.
Today he sent an email out telling everyone to come to my presentation.
That made me want to tell him "fuck you you fucking bastard."
I know he was just advocating for me but the last fucking thing I want is more people showing up. Jesus Christ have some fucking mercy.
I'm feeling so shitty and horrible. I need to prepare for this now and I am so fucking teary eyed.
Frankly I think I might start crying during the presentation. I thought about that too. I imagined myself saying "sorry I'm having some personal problems at home" or "sorry my father passed away yesterday" and wondering if I coulf keep that lie up.
I've got it: I've got something in my eye.
Ugh.
I'm such a fucking mental case. How pathetic for me to be so messed up at my age.
Any way. I guess that's it for now.
Well I'm still not doing very well. I've had a really stressful couple of days at work.
I don't even feel that great about expressing how I feel right now. I feel like just a can't adequately convey how I feel, and I feel exhausted.
Tomorrow I have a presentation at work. I am concerned about having a mental breakdown in front of others.
I just hope I can come out of this okay.
I only want to be free of my fear of judgement from others. I mean it's a good thing to have it somewhat, but I don't want it anymore.
I just want a genuine happiness.
I have been too unfair to myself for too long. I've belittled my own opinions and not given myself what I've needed.
I no longer understand myself or know who I am. I have conflicting self beliefs.
I find it perplexing that part of me has no fear about giving the presentation. But another part of me is afraid I'll have a panic attack in front of 20 people.
I've imagined what I'll do if it happens. What kind of excuse can someone give in the middle of a presentation? There is no excuse. Just a shit show as you suddenly become a freak and the subject of gossip after people see you having a mental breakdown in front of them.
I guess I would probably put in my notice if it happened. Not sure what I'll do. I can't think of a single excuse to give to get up and leave in the middle of a presentation.
I guess I'm just going to have to take one of my last precious ativans to prevent a panic attack.
I feel very angry at my boss for forcing me to do this after someone else was planned to do it. I didn't have to do this. He did it "for" me. I feel frankly violated because it was against my expressed will and that makes me livid.
I really don't want to be angry at my boss. He's really a nice person at heart.
But I'm just suffering so much because of this and I resent him not listening to me and causing me so much stress.
Today he sent an email out telling everyone to come to my presentation.
That made me want to tell him "fuck you you fucking bastard."
I know he was just advocating for me but the last fucking thing I want is more people showing up. Jesus Christ have some fucking mercy.
I'm feeling so shitty and horrible. I need to prepare for this now and I am so fucking teary eyed.
Frankly I think I might start crying during the presentation. I thought about that too. I imagined myself saying "sorry I'm having some personal problems at home" or "sorry my father passed away yesterday" and wondering if I coulf keep that lie up.
I've got it: I've got something in my eye.
Ugh.
I'm such a fucking mental case. How pathetic for me to be so messed up at my age.
Any way. I guess that's it for now.