"The Untethered Soul"---Uh this was saved as a draft...oops
"So there are two ways you can live: you can devote your life to staying in your comfort zone, or you can work on your freedom. In other words, you can devote your whole life to the process of making sure everything fits within your limited model, or you can devote your life to freeing yourself from the limits of your model."
Inspiration to say the least. So I'm reading this book, "The Untethered Soul." My sister gave it to me for my birthday and man does that girl know exactly what I need. I swear, the more I get to know my family, the more I start to realize I have taken them for granted for all these years. My mom and sister especially are both quite aware and spiritual. Both qualities I am trying to cultivate within myself. They all have their faults of course, but each have qualities that I could really benefit from paying attention to. So after ending things with James...again, I have had a lot of alone/lonely sad time to myself. I can't say that any of those moments were spent missing him or anything about our interactions. Well, I think I miss looking out the window at the beach from his apartment, but that's not really much to build a relationship off of. He definitely played his role in my life and brought up a lot of deep rooted issues in me. Ultimately, I didn't feel that he wanted to work with me. It felt like he wanted me to work FOR him. Which is retarded. I'm all about masculine/feminine roles (at least recently I am), but seriously I am not driving you around or getting you a plate of food because you're too lazy. If I loved you...maybe, but let's be real here. It's left me with a lot of time to think about where I want to be and what I want from this world. Am I happy solo most of the time? Will I always be so intolerant of others and unwilling to bend to accommodate them? The more I think and imagine my life in the future, the more I realize that my perspective on life and relationships needs some serious work. I think I have spent a lot of time convincing myself that I'm better off without people and that they just make things messy. But the mess, the mess is where the lessons are. I am now an expert at hiding from the disaster area "others" but I'm not learning, experiencing or growing, I am stagnating. Every time I decide to make these grand changes. Specifically related to food and people (because those seems to be my two biggest and not entirely separate from one another issues)... I fail. I fail because I get really fucking scared. I feel out of control and really fat. When I loosen my grip on food I explode in all directions and when I open my heart vulnerability seeps from my ever pore. I'm opening though. It sucks, and it hurts. There are so many things that I have been repressing and pushing away for so many years and every time I relax and open my heart one of those things it comes flooding out of me mostly in the form of torrential downpour tears. I haven't cried like I have been lately since highschool. High School is really the last time I remember feeling anything at all. After the break up with Nick it's like I just decided, people are shit and not worth wasting any energy or emotion on. That's really sad, but really good to finally understand. It's totally true to form for me. I am very quick to judge and change things immediately so of course by the time I was 16 years old I had completely sworn off love.
Inspiration to say the least. So I'm reading this book, "The Untethered Soul." My sister gave it to me for my birthday and man does that girl know exactly what I need. I swear, the more I get to know my family, the more I start to realize I have taken them for granted for all these years. My mom and sister especially are both quite aware and spiritual. Both qualities I am trying to cultivate within myself. They all have their faults of course, but each have qualities that I could really benefit from paying attention to. So after ending things with James...again, I have had a lot of alone/lonely sad time to myself. I can't say that any of those moments were spent missing him or anything about our interactions. Well, I think I miss looking out the window at the beach from his apartment, but that's not really much to build a relationship off of. He definitely played his role in my life and brought up a lot of deep rooted issues in me. Ultimately, I didn't feel that he wanted to work with me. It felt like he wanted me to work FOR him. Which is retarded. I'm all about masculine/feminine roles (at least recently I am), but seriously I am not driving you around or getting you a plate of food because you're too lazy. If I loved you...maybe, but let's be real here. It's left me with a lot of time to think about where I want to be and what I want from this world. Am I happy solo most of the time? Will I always be so intolerant of others and unwilling to bend to accommodate them? The more I think and imagine my life in the future, the more I realize that my perspective on life and relationships needs some serious work. I think I have spent a lot of time convincing myself that I'm better off without people and that they just make things messy. But the mess, the mess is where the lessons are. I am now an expert at hiding from the disaster area "others" but I'm not learning, experiencing or growing, I am stagnating. Every time I decide to make these grand changes. Specifically related to food and people (because those seems to be my two biggest and not entirely separate from one another issues)... I fail. I fail because I get really fucking scared. I feel out of control and really fat. When I loosen my grip on food I explode in all directions and when I open my heart vulnerability seeps from my ever pore. I'm opening though. It sucks, and it hurts. There are so many things that I have been repressing and pushing away for so many years and every time I relax and open my heart one of those things it comes flooding out of me mostly in the form of torrential downpour tears. I haven't cried like I have been lately since highschool. High School is really the last time I remember feeling anything at all. After the break up with Nick it's like I just decided, people are shit and not worth wasting any energy or emotion on. That's really sad, but really good to finally understand. It's totally true to form for me. I am very quick to judge and change things immediately so of course by the time I was 16 years old I had completely sworn off love.