Self Reliance
So I've been thinking a lot about trusting of self. Lately, by lately I mean as long as I can remember, I've been relying on the opinions of others to define what is ultimately good or right for myself. I don't just mean friends and family because I recognize that their opinions of what is best for me is often laced with at least a little bit of bias. I'm also referring to my teachers, doctors, therapists etc..They all have advice for me and because over-achievement courses through my veins, I do my best to follow their advice. I have learned that I can't trust myself because I have so often intentionally foregone basic biological needs. Now though, I wonder, am I ready to break free and trust that I know what's best for me? Maybe I know better than any one else ever could. Maybe I don't, but it's worth a shot. One of the major areas of concern in my life is my period. It seems like a blessing that I am so rarely "cursed" with the bloating, cramping abdominal pain and mood swings that accompany a monthly cycle. It's also a constant reminder that I am missing something that is innately feminine. It makes me feel disconnected from my body and is a cause for concern about my overall health. I've had numerous blood tests, MRIs, and pelvic ultrasounds all in an attempt to figure out what's going on. The answer: Nothing. I am perfectly normal, apart from a low progesterone reading (but because these hormone levels fluctuate throughout the month who's to say that has any meaning behind it anyway). The only answers: gain weight (tried it and hated it), stop running (same), take the birth control pill or be injected with hormones (both of which aren't really options for me). I try to eat meat, I try to relax more, I try...and I'm unhappy. It's as if my lifestyle doesn't fit in to the feminine framework.
Interestingly, during a shift on Wednesday one of my supervisors was talking about how the all of the radiology tests we have now a days may actually be doing more harm than good. We can find things like cancer and fibroids before there are any symptoms at all. The flip side is that once you know, you know. You now have this diagnosis and this diagnosis defines you. You have this idea in your head, Oh well, I'm diseased and now I have to fight for my life with everything I've got. What if you never found out? Would your body just harmonize with the diseased part of you and you would do just fine? Or would your health begin to suffer regardless? I wonder. His perspective is that the knowing is dangerous. Even more interestingly, the very next day, I was walking with yoga dude on the beach and I asked him about his back which he had tweaked in a brutal adjustment the day before. He said is happens a lot. My first thought was...get an X-ray! He said...I don't really care I don't want to have that mantra of I have a "slipped disc." All of this happened just before I was scheduled for a pelvic ultrasound. I thought perhaps I should listen to the signs and cancel my appointment for the test. I ultimately decided to get the ultrasound, but have also determined that perhaps I should start to let go of all the tests and diagnoses and figure out what's really going on for me at a deeper level. I have a lot of anxiety around sex and even going to the gynecologist is a seriously traumatic event for me. There must be something more than the function of my internal organs and my endocrine system at work here. I am disconnected from my feminine self for some reason and there's not test or treatment out there that can solve it. This is my work, my inner work. With that said, I am tempted to return to vegetarianism. At least for now. My body always brings me back there, and perhaps part of my purpose on this planet is learning about how to nourish and respect my body. It's hard for me to respect my body when it's form doesn't meet my standards and I've tried very hard to accept myself at a higher weight, but I always seem to end up here.At a weight that is possibly too low to have a normal period. It makes me question my fertility, but then I wonder if I would ever be able to feel comfortable in a pregnant body anyways (or worse, a post-pregnancy body). Even further, would I really want to raise a child in a world where a woman (me) doesn't want to give birth because she's afraid of what her body will look like after? It's depressing and selfish that I feel this way, but it's fucking true. Watching my friends have babies definitely makes me a little softer and makes me wonder if that's in the cards for me. Ultimately, it might be or it might not be but it is as its supposed to be. I just need to keep living from my truth. Stay educated about what's healthy for me, while not obsessing about what others THINK (because really they don't KNOW) I should do.
Interestingly, during a shift on Wednesday one of my supervisors was talking about how the all of the radiology tests we have now a days may actually be doing more harm than good. We can find things like cancer and fibroids before there are any symptoms at all. The flip side is that once you know, you know. You now have this diagnosis and this diagnosis defines you. You have this idea in your head, Oh well, I'm diseased and now I have to fight for my life with everything I've got. What if you never found out? Would your body just harmonize with the diseased part of you and you would do just fine? Or would your health begin to suffer regardless? I wonder. His perspective is that the knowing is dangerous. Even more interestingly, the very next day, I was walking with yoga dude on the beach and I asked him about his back which he had tweaked in a brutal adjustment the day before. He said is happens a lot. My first thought was...get an X-ray! He said...I don't really care I don't want to have that mantra of I have a "slipped disc." All of this happened just before I was scheduled for a pelvic ultrasound. I thought perhaps I should listen to the signs and cancel my appointment for the test. I ultimately decided to get the ultrasound, but have also determined that perhaps I should start to let go of all the tests and diagnoses and figure out what's really going on for me at a deeper level. I have a lot of anxiety around sex and even going to the gynecologist is a seriously traumatic event for me. There must be something more than the function of my internal organs and my endocrine system at work here. I am disconnected from my feminine self for some reason and there's not test or treatment out there that can solve it. This is my work, my inner work. With that said, I am tempted to return to vegetarianism. At least for now. My body always brings me back there, and perhaps part of my purpose on this planet is learning about how to nourish and respect my body. It's hard for me to respect my body when it's form doesn't meet my standards and I've tried very hard to accept myself at a higher weight, but I always seem to end up here.At a weight that is possibly too low to have a normal period. It makes me question my fertility, but then I wonder if I would ever be able to feel comfortable in a pregnant body anyways (or worse, a post-pregnancy body). Even further, would I really want to raise a child in a world where a woman (me) doesn't want to give birth because she's afraid of what her body will look like after? It's depressing and selfish that I feel this way, but it's fucking true. Watching my friends have babies definitely makes me a little softer and makes me wonder if that's in the cards for me. Ultimately, it might be or it might not be but it is as its supposed to be. I just need to keep living from my truth. Stay educated about what's healthy for me, while not obsessing about what others THINK (because really they don't KNOW) I should do.