(no subject)
So. I'm having a really hard time getting inspired, excited, happy... any positive emotion really. So sober 2013 is still going strong and has made me in to a moderately anti-social and bummed out version of myself. There are definitely a lot of fabulous things going on in my life, but they all just seem so trivial. I am falling in love with ashtanga yoga, but it's putting a pretty serious damper on any hopes I had for a social life. The practice is 6 days a week at 6 am. Well, why do I HAVE to go all 6 days? Because I want to, I love it and I want to do it all the way. I have never been one for mediocrity. So I have to be in bed by 10 to wake up at 6 to be ready for this rigorous morning practice. It's the only thing that's keeping me going right now quite honestly. Acupuncture school is winding down and I am getting ready to go out in to the working world. The issue with that is that I don't AT ALL feel ready to be practicing on my own. I thought by now that I would have found my guru here. Someone to go and practice with that will enhance my herbal knowledge especially. Problem: most practitioners in CA don't even practice herbs. WTF?! This is the only state where the study of herbal medicine is REQUIRED to get an acupuncture license. I guess I didn't read the fine print that you don't actually have to PRACTICE them. I will figure this out I'm sure, but this brings my to my next point. So I'm reading this book. The Way of the Superior Man. It's really a book meant for men to read to help them to better understand women. For me, I'm finding that it's helping me to better understand myself. (It's written by a man too!) It basically talks about the roles of men and women in relationships and in general. The woman's role is love. To feel full of love at all times. The man's role is to fulfill his mission. Both men and women have a masculine and feminine side to them of course (yin and yang!) More than that, some women can be more masculine than feminine and some men more feminine than masculine. Masculine men are attracted to feminine women and vice versa. Through reading the book. I think I either am or have turned myself in to a masculine woman. My life is all about my mission. The mission is constantly changing, but there is ALWAYS a mission. I have never, ever thought of love as being my purpose. I always thought of my boyfriends (all 3 of them) as accessories to my life, but they were never MY LIFE. My life is my goals: school, riding, yoga, work etc...Boyfriends take the back seat to whatever project I'm working on. It wasn't always that way. My highschool bf (yes, I'm talking about him again) was my life. I didn't care about anything but keeping him. I also had a lot less going on then. So...I'm left wondering am I a masculine female and I need a more feminine man? Or am I really a feminine female and my femininity is so buried underneath my "mission" that no one can see it? I wonder if this relates to my resistance to becoming a woman. Embracing my "curves" (ie fat rolls to the anorexic mind). Getting my period. All of this related to being feminine, vulnerable and trusting of the masculine. I tend to attract very masculine men so I wonder what it is that is attracting them if I'm not a feminine female? On another note, my emotions have been out of control I am completely irritated by most everything and It's as if I have no way of coping with these emotions. These emotional fluctuations seemingly related to shifts in the weather (though the weather is never changing here) are also innately feminine and I have always had them (and have always resisted them). They are my crazy side, the side that was effectively exterminated via the eating disorder (thanks so much malnutrition!)Also having a lot of fat moments as of late. My body is normal and healthy now, I lost my special thing. God, I'm pathetic. Also related to men and being single on this Valentine's day. So the guy that took over for my yoga teacher while he was away is maybe 30 something, it's hard to tell, and absolutely beautiful. I had been fantasizing all week about how cool it would be to have an ashtanga bf that wakes up as crazy early as I do and is even more addicted to this practice than I. So you can imagine my excitement when he struck up a convo with me one morning. It started off as just a little chat before class, which soon turned in to us realizing that we know some of the same people (I guess the yoga community is small even in the vastness of LA). One of the people that we both know is this gal that went to Mexico with me last Christmas, weird! He went on to share that he and this mutual friend of ours had gone out a few times and it didn't end up going anywhere. As he went on to say that he missed seeing her around I quickly got moving to the practice room as my fantasy melted away. Another one bites the dust. I am, however, entertaining this idea that maybe I do need more love in my life and could also stand to loosen my grip on the mission.