Enmeshment with Mom
So after writing out what I was feeling yesterday during a therapy phone session I manage to delete what I had written. I had intended to post it here so that I would remember it later. So, I suppose posting now will have to do. Eating disorder is rearing it's very very ugly head again and has been for a couple months now. The difference between now and when I was in my early 20s is that I know too much about the human body to destroy it like I once had. I mean I always knew smoking was bad for me, but in my early 20s I lived in this blissful little realm where lung cancer was looming off in the distance, but couldn't touch me until I was at least in my 60s. Now, I realize that smoking takes a toll on you with every puff you take and there are countless ailments that are rooted in smoking cigarettes. I talk about cigarettes here because they were always my favorite method for weight control. I sincerely believe that without them there's no way my body would have made it to 85 pounds. Cigarettes also have this magical ability to both calm my anxiety and lift my energy simultaneously. Most of my eating issues are based on anxiety about situations that make me uncomfortable which then manifest as feeling uncomfortable eating certain things or in certain scenarios or with certain people. Anxiety has always, since childhood, affected me digestively and when I'm feeling anxious or nervous I immediately feel sick to my stomach. This in conjunction with the fact that I have always been very sensitive to "fat" in general was the perfect storm for an eating disorder. I go through phases where I'm able to manage my disorder, but I can only manage when I'm in the right circumstance. When I was in Boston I was awesome. I had two really great friends that supported my weird eating habits and didn't make me feel like a mutant for eating the way that feels right to me. I also didn't care about men then, I just wanted to be me and study my acupuncture without worrying what I looked like. Since moving to LA I have decided that I need to at least consider that I could have a relationship someday and have gone through phases of trying to feel good enough about myself to allow a realationship to manifest itself. Instead, I just feel fat and alone. It amazes me that other people can't feel fat. I am so aware of every part of my body that is extra (ie not muscle, but fat). I feel my best when I'm probably around 100 pounds because there is so little fat that it doesn't plague me as much and doesn't get in my way with yoga when I'm trying to twist and turn my body in to the poses. A 100 pounds is technically underweight and my head feels "empty" at that weight because...well, I'm malnourished. I don't look sickly though, and I wonder after my therapy session last night if that's because I am restricting and doing weird restriction behaviors and not necessarily based on my caloric intake or weight at all. Hm. Today, I am cooking. I have a sweet potato in the oven and a kale salad I made earlier as I sip on a green juice with greens, lemon and ginger. Food is medicine and I need to practice what I preach. I am just going to try to mix up the foods I'm eating. I'm sick of trying to gain weight. Also, just made an acupuncture appointment with a woman specializing in women's health maybe she'll have some answers about the period for me. Maybe it's just not about my weight at all. Maybe nothing ever has been. Starting a food journal to make sure I don't start doing weird stuff again.