When Your Ex- Boyfriend Goes Nutty
When Your Ex- Boyfriend Goes Nutty
One of the many definitions of insanity is that it consists of repeating that same actions again and again-even if they end in the same negative or unsatisfactory result. If you believe that this theory actually works then at some point in time-every one of us goes a little crazy.
I started to think about this a few months back; Samuel told me that his parents had convinced him it was time to check into a clinic for a while to deal with some issues he had been having. There was a part of me that was horrified by this development-because I still care and didn't really believe that he was in dire straights-and another part of me that found some type of vindication in the whole idea.
Now without breaking any confidences I understood that the issues Samuel was facing had little to do with me but said issues did have elements of his emotional behavior as part of the process-negative emotional behavior. So in a certain sense of logic I could be justified in believing (and taking comfort) in the idea that he was in some way emotionally unhealthy which meant that maybe I was more healthy than I thought. It's not right or fair to think this way but I did.
So in the aftermath of Samuel's going away I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. When your ex is unstable enough to spend time in a hospital-even if of their own accord-you suddenly get a free pass of sorts when you rehash the relationship. 'Oh he is so unhealthy or so messed up that he had to spend time away to deal with it. I didn't need to do that. I guess I wasn't the one with the problems.' I was able to escape personal responsibility with this kind of mantra to console myself.
And it wasn't just myself that I consoled this information with-I ended up mentioning it to a handful of my close friends who each took the information as a 'ah ha!' moment. It wasn't until a few people brought up all the ways in which they thought Samuel was wrong that I started to realize that using his need for a help as an excuse was blatantly unfair.
The truth is we all engage in some form of insane behavior. Whether it is going to the same bar to meet singles with no results, trying to create a friendship with someone who continually hurts you, to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want a relationship or even being with someone who constantly ignores your base needs. We do this because we all believe that we can change the outcome, we are important enough, special enough, hot enough, caring enough that we can just ignore the results because we have to at some point overcome the outcome. We trick ourselves.
The truth is-with me and Samuel-is that we were both destructive in our behavior at the ending of our relationship. That just because he needed more help with his life choices and behaviors doesn't mean that I wasn't in my own insane cycle. That when we call something or someone crazy we should think about our own actions. At the end of the day we all have times in our lives when we are unhealthy.
Hopefully we can also be the type of people who see that and take the steps to change. That's not being crazy-that's making positive steps forward.
LJ ONLY
All that being said--I still have some concerns for Samuel. Because I understand the issues he is facing from my own past and can't help but really wonder if he understands fully what he is doing
One of the many definitions of insanity is that it consists of repeating that same actions again and again-even if they end in the same negative or unsatisfactory result. If you believe that this theory actually works then at some point in time-every one of us goes a little crazy.
I started to think about this a few months back; Samuel told me that his parents had convinced him it was time to check into a clinic for a while to deal with some issues he had been having. There was a part of me that was horrified by this development-because I still care and didn't really believe that he was in dire straights-and another part of me that found some type of vindication in the whole idea.
Now without breaking any confidences I understood that the issues Samuel was facing had little to do with me but said issues did have elements of his emotional behavior as part of the process-negative emotional behavior. So in a certain sense of logic I could be justified in believing (and taking comfort) in the idea that he was in some way emotionally unhealthy which meant that maybe I was more healthy than I thought. It's not right or fair to think this way but I did.
So in the aftermath of Samuel's going away I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. When your ex is unstable enough to spend time in a hospital-even if of their own accord-you suddenly get a free pass of sorts when you rehash the relationship. 'Oh he is so unhealthy or so messed up that he had to spend time away to deal with it. I didn't need to do that. I guess I wasn't the one with the problems.' I was able to escape personal responsibility with this kind of mantra to console myself.
And it wasn't just myself that I consoled this information with-I ended up mentioning it to a handful of my close friends who each took the information as a 'ah ha!' moment. It wasn't until a few people brought up all the ways in which they thought Samuel was wrong that I started to realize that using his need for a help as an excuse was blatantly unfair.
The truth is we all engage in some form of insane behavior. Whether it is going to the same bar to meet singles with no results, trying to create a friendship with someone who continually hurts you, to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want a relationship or even being with someone who constantly ignores your base needs. We do this because we all believe that we can change the outcome, we are important enough, special enough, hot enough, caring enough that we can just ignore the results because we have to at some point overcome the outcome. We trick ourselves.
The truth is-with me and Samuel-is that we were both destructive in our behavior at the ending of our relationship. That just because he needed more help with his life choices and behaviors doesn't mean that I wasn't in my own insane cycle. That when we call something or someone crazy we should think about our own actions. At the end of the day we all have times in our lives when we are unhealthy.
Hopefully we can also be the type of people who see that and take the steps to change. That's not being crazy-that's making positive steps forward.
LJ ONLY
All that being said--I still have some concerns for Samuel. Because I understand the issues he is facing from my own past and can't help but really wonder if he understands fully what he is doing