Question
What is different about me now from earlier years?
I don't know. I just read an old entry and wished I smoked that much weed again, but that's not it. what did I have during early high school that I don't now?
- a fresh enthusiastic heart
- better opinions about people I was very close to and spent a lot of time with
- responsibility to no one. In high school that was all I needed to do, and the only place I needed to be. Now I feel like I have a responsibility to do more.
There must be more. My heart isn't broken anymore. I don't have feelings for Albert anymore, but I still feel small when I think about our relationship. Like sometimes I imagine him as one of my closest friends, but that could be one sided. All these years have left their mark on me and only now do I hate it. Like if Michael doesn't keep his word or plans with me I get really hurt. Or if he says we're gonna chill, but it ends of being later I need time to coach myself into a good mood because I feel like the old me. I always say I am thankful for the learning experience. I know what a pig looks like and smells like. But.. I don't know. I don't really regret it. Sometimes I feel like I can't get out of those feelings of inferiority. I have ambivalent feelings toward Albert. None are romantic.
I'm kind of just thinking. Not really here to write about him. I guess like any young female I've changed. I was just reading old entries and I just seemed happier. I guess I had less to worry about and more people to drink with. I am more conscious of who I drink with now and where it happens. I use to spend a lot of time with Sarah Beast and My cousin who kept me kind of upbeat. I don't mind not having B around and truly feel like life is richer without her. I guess it's just .. less eventful also. with no job we always managed to be drunk and high and in the company of many. Things with my cousin will never be the same. They couldn't... not even if I wanted them to be. I guess I'm ok with that too. Yeah..
I'm satisfied with what I'm doing with my life. It actually makes me very happy to be a nursing student even though sometimes I feel like I can't do it anymore. I am pleased to be a nurse in training and really can't picture myself as a doctor anymore. I was crying a little the other day because I felt for the patient I talked about in an earlier entry. The man who hears music in his head. The man who did air guitar and sang walk the line. I'm gonna miss him. I wish I could check on him more often. I guess I am also more aware of reality.
I'm trying to figure out why I am not so happy in entries. I sound manic in my entries from freshmen-sophomore year. I noticed myself lying to myself and readers. After I found out I got cheated on The night FATA played freshmen year I became different. I tried to appear the same because I wasn't friend's with Holly and Tiffany. I didn't want them to know they were right. It seemed like they turned against him for no reason. I felt so empty, yet I seem so happy in my entries. It is honestly sick to see. If I could meet me 4 years ago right now. I would def take myself under my wing. Weirdness.
I guess.. idk. I'm on break now, so I have time to think. I carry these residual underlying feelings with me, and I suppose I am finally having time to analyze them. I'm putting serious thought into seeing a cognitive therapist. It's a lot of money sort of.. idk. I'm very self - taught. I might try to sort this out myself.. and get on Yaz for before my period. I didn't have those alarming thoughts I usually have this cycle. I cried the same amount. I can deal with that. I have to pick up Roger.
I don't know. I just read an old entry and wished I smoked that much weed again, but that's not it. what did I have during early high school that I don't now?
- a fresh enthusiastic heart
- better opinions about people I was very close to and spent a lot of time with
- responsibility to no one. In high school that was all I needed to do, and the only place I needed to be. Now I feel like I have a responsibility to do more.
There must be more. My heart isn't broken anymore. I don't have feelings for Albert anymore, but I still feel small when I think about our relationship. Like sometimes I imagine him as one of my closest friends, but that could be one sided. All these years have left their mark on me and only now do I hate it. Like if Michael doesn't keep his word or plans with me I get really hurt. Or if he says we're gonna chill, but it ends of being later I need time to coach myself into a good mood because I feel like the old me. I always say I am thankful for the learning experience. I know what a pig looks like and smells like. But.. I don't know. I don't really regret it. Sometimes I feel like I can't get out of those feelings of inferiority. I have ambivalent feelings toward Albert. None are romantic.
I'm kind of just thinking. Not really here to write about him. I guess like any young female I've changed. I was just reading old entries and I just seemed happier. I guess I had less to worry about and more people to drink with. I am more conscious of who I drink with now and where it happens. I use to spend a lot of time with Sarah Beast and My cousin who kept me kind of upbeat. I don't mind not having B around and truly feel like life is richer without her. I guess it's just .. less eventful also. with no job we always managed to be drunk and high and in the company of many. Things with my cousin will never be the same. They couldn't... not even if I wanted them to be. I guess I'm ok with that too. Yeah..
I'm satisfied with what I'm doing with my life. It actually makes me very happy to be a nursing student even though sometimes I feel like I can't do it anymore. I am pleased to be a nurse in training and really can't picture myself as a doctor anymore. I was crying a little the other day because I felt for the patient I talked about in an earlier entry. The man who hears music in his head. The man who did air guitar and sang walk the line. I'm gonna miss him. I wish I could check on him more often. I guess I am also more aware of reality.
I'm trying to figure out why I am not so happy in entries. I sound manic in my entries from freshmen-sophomore year. I noticed myself lying to myself and readers. After I found out I got cheated on The night FATA played freshmen year I became different. I tried to appear the same because I wasn't friend's with Holly and Tiffany. I didn't want them to know they were right. It seemed like they turned against him for no reason. I felt so empty, yet I seem so happy in my entries. It is honestly sick to see. If I could meet me 4 years ago right now. I would def take myself under my wing. Weirdness.
I guess.. idk. I'm on break now, so I have time to think. I carry these residual underlying feelings with me, and I suppose I am finally having time to analyze them. I'm putting serious thought into seeing a cognitive therapist. It's a lot of money sort of.. idk. I'm very self - taught. I might try to sort this out myself.. and get on Yaz for before my period. I didn't have those alarming thoughts I usually have this cycle. I cried the same amount. I can deal with that. I have to pick up Roger.