this is going to be a sad one......god..
so i've been going down hill. it's true. i live well for some one struggling. i don't think people notice. i hate this.......one of the things i hate most about this thing inside me.....is that it makes me fit sterotypes i've watched so many act and fake to. the troubled rock star, the depressed writer. god what a big fucking ball of cliche. but i guess i can just paint this picture for you journal of the past month. i was not fine this summer, at every little bump i felt out of control of my emotions. anxiety was rulling me. not relaly actaully.......jsut with me during everything. but i started sucking jolly ranchers again knowing i was needing to get a grip back but looking back it might be perpetuating, i dont know. but school came...i got lice right before.......had to cut off the only mask i have to hide behind these days. then at school i realized this curse, this plagas, this fucking bane of my everything is back like a force. i've been struggling to go to everyclass, struggling through every class, pouring water in my hand and puting it on my neck and forhead, drinking copiouis amounts of water to drown the harsh juices of my stomach, sucking on jolly ranchers like they would save everything. and to my pedagree haha, i've been doing okay. i've bee nacknoledging the days that i get through and the accomplishments. but we haven't been having band pratice. and i've been realizeing how good thats been. the stress of having to preform, the stress on my mind knowing that playing in bands leads t oshows that i can't handle well and eventaul touring which i fear so badly. i just couldn't do it. jsut.....really.....
but before getting to that.......last night i got pushed and i broke alittle too much. i went to all classes yesterday and felt pretty disturbed but held it together okay. hung out with hal and erin and issac and had fun. then came home hastily and ate a soy chiken thang and rested and played guitar and it was good session of guitar. wrote some good things......went and got keith and got to work........not that many jobs for a friday but it resulted in us staying late. i thought i was getting off at 1230 and felt okay about it but then had to stay till after 130. so.....about one 15 my body gave out on me. i had been up too long, conentrating and working for too many hours. nine to be exact. and i felt sick, horrible. got kevin to cover me and went out into the camp washington air where it felt too much like winter for my nerves good. i was sick i nwiter the first time i ever started feeling al lthese wretched things and my mind borke alittle bit. i stumbled through my car taking for ever to open up my fucked up door and tore my back pack apart looking for a jolly rancher and i had none. then i started shaking in my limbs, possibley from cold, tiredness or something. i wanted to go home so bad. but had to wait for keith's no car haven ass. so i sat down and did the yoga breath. and realized how it felt. god damn i might as well been eighteen last night. riding the metro i nthe mornings to clark, scared as fuck for no reason, knowing i was better than this, knowing i had more streagth that this but not.....having streagth....not being better than it. it besting me. writing fucking poems about it on the winter morning trying o figure it out. my limbs shaking for nervous coldness instead of my stomach and head geting dizzy in the summer's unreletning hotness. it blew. it fuckign blew. so i sat and waited fifteen minutes for keith and once he got off and i got in my car, started it and knew i was going home.........i felt the worst thing of it all...........fine. i felt fine....that's when reality has always set in to me. once my mind knows it's doesn't have to deal with anymore.......i'm fine like magic.......but it's not magic..... cause magic is fake and this is the realest thing i have ever knwon. my mind has power over me and th eworld scares it....so i am scared....
ridiculous tommy.....ridiculous........and no drugs in sight t ocalm it..........no happy joint to burn down before greek every morning to make it go away for two hours of numbness.......nothing of those vices.......why? cause as fucking stupid as my head is to let this happen, i at least have learned some thing over the years. i'm not that eighteen year old i guess.....which is nice to know.
but i got home and slept that beautiful sleep that imagine can only happen when you're so safe with people aroudn that you know would hear you scream. that you know would make you safe in the most dangerous and sad instances....god what happened to me.......i used to be so in control of this world that i molded it around me...now im just it's passive bitch play thing to get fucked over and over again like a senator's whore.
but i slept so well. woke up feelign sick though. what a suprise. but i lazed throug hthe day watching tv and playing guitar and getting lost in that. my hones been completely out of minutes so no one could get to me and i was happy. i went out with my parents and i was even nerovus walking around in meijer ha. i dont know why. but i got control of that okay. laughing it off and breathing and such. my dad really makes me feel better with his jokes.......always has......
i got two new pair of shoes by grace of my mom. really......by grace.......it's the first time the've bought me something in forever which is good ya know? i'm twenty two ha. it's how it should be......so i felt good to get such an unexpected and needed present since my shoes are not fit for the cold thats already filling the air withat strange aroma of cold. i wonder if cold smell the same everywhere. i probally wont find out......since i'm afraid to do much at all.......travel. fuck tat........man but i have since i've had this probalem........how did I?
anyway, i got back and did put ten dollers on my phone. tected sean and keith who said they practiced which i figured since they had called my house. both of them adn deshan ha. and i said.......good..........i was glad they did at karl's. but i realized i want no part of it.......so i told them i need a break and then that i straght up quit. hmm.......same thing i did when i was eighteen............intresting? not really. it was needed then and now. i need to disovle my life alittle and relax and just be alittle reclusive. but i was laying i nbed thinkign about hw my confidence has drained....how i'm wishing for some girl........ocean, jess, emily, aryn and even bren still........how ridiclulous again....... i should learn to spel lat least that word. i use it alot in my head for myself........but i was thinkign about how i don't need anyone.........in fact, if anything i need less people.......like the first year of college when i just wrote all the time and dealt with things with my full attention......
but then i thought, why do i have this great need to write this down....even in bed, i was forming the thoughts in my head like i was writing them down, using images and duality rhetorical stratagum and thinking about words to discribe it and about words like copouis amounts of water cause copious comes from copia in latin meaning abundence or in the plural meanings troops and i thought that appropriate because i need a fucking army to fight this...and i thought about how misanthropic i am and then realized i'm now cause anthropos comes from greek meaning human like in anthropology with the synonym obvouisly meaning dis or something and i don't hate people......they jsut rack my like everything else..........but anyway......my point.... i'm a fuckin. writer. it's the perfect life for me. alone and going over emotion and getting smarter and fight emotion to understand it........i knew this then........i knew it now. i've lost sight..... there's that saying. one the road to one dream you might find another. i really think ifucked up ha....... i started goign so much to music i forgot that i'm a writer so much more for reason. i'm fucked up. i don't know how troubled rock stars do it..........oh yeah.......drugs.....and then they kil lthemselves..........well........since i don't want that....... and don't want the drugs to escape all this vast cornicopia of emotion haha....get it?... and i love persueing knowledge. i love music too.......ill always make it.......it's a part of my brains workings........but i need to write.......boy do i need to write........alot and more than i have i nmy lifetime........i'm glad im out of this band.......it frees me to do that and keep up in school and concentrate my life's power on keeping my calmness in school and work and not worrying about other things.......and to girls.......they always dance into my life.........even though i say fuck it all the time when i feel these steel rods of anxiety beating me so harshly. so yeah. i'm sad right now.....but....it's fine. i just wrote....i'm about to take some advil and sleep a good sleep. wake up and do homework. focus on eating well and better. and writing. it's my life. for so long i've been convinceing myself i want to be a rock star......convincing myself of my greantess...it's time i convince myself that i am who i am.... and focus on making my life as happy and productive as possible.
i know ill be okay, it's why feeling like i never will be is so frustrating, but one day will go and then the next i guess. ah well......just another year......need to write and get agressive about that.....
~tommy