(no subject)

Sep 14, 2006 23:10


i really don't feel very motivated right now. just feel like leting life kinda waste away into what ever which it came. i was out today picking my forgoten guitar up from emily's mom's house. her mom is like......beautiful.....but not now... i mean, thirty years ago she had to be the hotest girl ever. her face is beautiful but sunken just those small degrees that take away youth's.....vigor. she smiles and give syou compliments, stands up for you when people are just making coy jokes at your expense and stans up for others when you do the same to them. she answers the door like she still has freinds and boys coming to call on her or something. and invited you in without even a thought about anything that's going on....but she really hasn't done anything ya know? had emily, kevin, and sarah young and never married the dad ive never met. she started working i guess and raised those troubled girls. they didn't have a dad.... i mean, it's jsut so clear the needed him.... the way emily doesnt say his name and the way sarah calls him steve, his name not dad.....the way they still mention him to me but em' never did when we were involved still....they needed him i think......i dont know how or why...... but something inside them is missing, like some light that some one switched off and now the switch will never be found in all that dark space to flicked on again... both of them with all thier boy, seems liek thier always trying to find some one to tread through the darkest and find that switch.....but it jsut ain't happenin'.....sarah has some std, not life treating but i mean, even writing that i am grossed out ya know? i feel bad..... and emily is "wasting away" as she said today. i was in her room, she was sitting on her bed reading a magizine.... i've never seen her do that..... i said what's up, she didn't even know i was coming and didn't even care to say hi or anything. i picked up my guitar and sat down and i wasn't going to play but she gave this votive "paly" so i did.

she was happy to hear it and really was completely normal an uneventful dispite that my discription probally isn't long enough to show that, but ill tell you that. writer sin i know i know.... aanyway, i was leaving and i was like i start school next week or something and i was like call me soon or something, and she said, "yeah. i'll jsut be wastin away here" and put her arms up and scruched her face kinda. her mom didn't look up from the table she was organizing pictures on. it seemed so sore and dead. like her life is just gone from her. when i met her she was like the girls i've accopied most my life with, always saying crazy things they are going to do tommorow and doing maybe half of them, bake sales for no reason or makeing jewlery or making cloths or volunteering....all things i rember her doing but not since this latest reoccurence in my life with her have i seen her do anything but put drugs of foulest and quickest grade not very beautiful into those silky arms and blue veins...it's quite horrible..... it's also quite horrible to know it's happening,  to watch it happen sometimes and not be able to say much at all. knowign that if i did i would just get a scowl and i would know i shouldn't have said anything about it.....it's hard to discribe that....... but if you've bee naround those kinds of things you know what i mean......you can't judge..... you can't say "stop" because why? they know how danerous it is, they know it might mean die. to say it, is jsut to say something mean, to put something in the air that ruins it all and then they don't even get to be numb for that moment...... i've tried anyway.......... but she needs a dad and it was happening before i was there, will hapen after ward....... i could break every boulder apart, i could hold her arms to the ground and not let her play that ssam reheased part over and over..... but i'm not there all the time....... she knows my words on it, knows my plan and we've talked enough to understand each other. if saw some one do the things she does and i didnt know them, i'd probally tel lthem what i've learned, but emily knows it like a bird knows how to fly, drugs were born for her and her for them, she'll cry and cry, and it all still seems like its because of her mom and her dad. i watched one emily waste away in my life. it's sucks to watch another.....especally one that i really have thought about like "did i love her?"

but her brother swears he's helping her and i don't thinks she done drugs for a bit. hence why the last times ive seen her she's been mean and sad. and drinking alcohol ha. funny that, that is such a good sign.

but being over there made me realize im not going to have kids. i'm going to get trapped into something ill grow to love or not, whatever......i'm jsut going to waste my life on my own accord. recording music and writing poetry and stories, get a degree.... go through accomplishments and failures like everyone else and then probally start working and buy more shit...get ahouse and nissan versa car for 12 thousand dollers......and then ill be thirty and then fourty, by that time probally married or if not then been close or jsut annoyed with all love of that kind of sorrow and break. my life will waste......no matter what it will waste..... i don't really care though.....i know ill do something great, be something great to some one even if it's not to everyone like i want......but ill still waste and then rot. but man...my point is for this whole thing is that when i look at emily sarah and thier mom whos name i dont even know, i realize that there is a difference between them and me. i am free. and it's completely unfair. those three women are probally a hundred times the people that i am ha. that was a wierd turn of phrase.... but because of one mistake or a couple or some mind set born and ingrained into them, they do things that limit themselves and im not saying i dont or haven't limited myself.....i most surely have....... but do you know what i mean? you look t them and there is no freedom......jsut wasted days and sorrowed nights. they laugh and smile but if some one says happy it drains from thier eyes. thier mom i don't know.......she might be happy....... she had the kids.......a family and a life......and so do al lof them.......i can't really capture what i want to here........ it's jsut........i ahve nothing on my plate i guess...... both parents, middle class and white....free to wear angles wings and dreadlocks and not give a fuck........smart enough to literally do anything i want in acadamia if i set my self upon its completion.... full with this coinfidence and magintude of self worth.....even if it does wane alittle from time to time........... by next sunday i will have not done a drug in a year besides tripping once and some zanex in one night. everyone i was doing drugs with..........they people i hang out with every day that try to quit.........they can't.........always going back............but it was ....not easy but............ i did it........and i dont want to go back at all......... i don't know...... i jsut more and more feel like i have it really good.....and i am not going to ruin it.......ha. i'm free to waste my life or make everything out of it and i really like that. i'm not going to mess it up and i'm not going to mess up my kids lives or my parents or freinds....... try to help them..... jsut...... always bee free though.......that's what i want.....more than anything i want to be free to waste into nothing and lose my house and car...or work hard and get the best job of anyone i know.....or make the best music.......i don't do any of it now......im scared about finishing college ha...... that's where this is coming from really..... but im less scared when i realize its going to force me to use this freedom for once and not jsut waste away cause im being lazy.....i got to make my choice....... and im going to do all i can to keep the choices are free for me to make as possible for everyones good. mine and those around me i think.....

understand that emily will be okay ha. you guys dont know her..... and my picture is probally pretty bleak..... but it's just........ she'll be oaky......i really think so.......but she doesnt feel free now...... i know it.......and it's really sad to me...... something has to open up those eyes...... like for everyone....

~tommy  
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