all my mistakes have names attached to them
this weekend was strange.....
work friday took it from me and i went back in sat. not that i'm glad i did cause with nat being in hosppital for spider bite it would have blown had i not come even for the time that i did but it fucked me up sleep wise pretty bad.....went home, going ot practice..........then i fell asleep and was two hours late ha. they said they couldn't even practice without we which is ridiculous but aprently karl only knows how to follow my guitar lines mostly........?????funny since i dont play rythem once haha......well actually thats not true.......i play rythem twice in all of our songs. but it made me laugh and kinda feel important since sean said it's boring without me there.....or did keith says that......yaeh keith......but it also made me feel bad for being two hours late....but god i was tired as hell.......im back sucking my teeth away on jolly ranchers.......why? cause things have been rough and tumble in my mind resently and for whatever fucking reason......my mind thinks those calms it down and so it does......i feel okay on them....the suger probally makes it so i can't pass out and sucking on things makes me feel like i can't throw up....so i get mass more coinfidence to do what im doing instead of focusing on breathing and getting my mind off my stomach and that makes me alot happier.....is it weak? i think so... but it's not drugs...makes me happier, and the only nagitive consquence that i can't easily deal with and accept is the suger on my teeth....but ill just brush them more....or ever...
i dont care about giving in to it because....i do really well since my threshold seems so small for dealing with things....i mean i do alot in front of people that people that aren't nervous say "oh i couldn't do that" i mean i palyed a show the other day....... i go to fetivals with angel wings on......i spend my whole life in dreadlocks which ain't easy sometimes when huge black men are looking at you with angry eyes like you've raped them or close minded people throw things t you from cars.......hot sauce.......last week some one threw a container of hot sauce at me....what is this luck i've had my whole life........i guess being shirtless, white, skinny, dreadlocked, pants low makes some people mad at you for being that alone, or they jsut think look at that idoit and throw thier hot sauce or glass bottle that bruised my shoulder for a week or a rock that missed my face by inchs......or varouis other verbal abuses.......for some reaosn...i can hadle that ha.......i played that show and was pretty good....not awesome but did well....and i can handle tension from fuckers and i can be wierd in public because i do think it is fun and i love attention....i really do....but then my stomach mcks that love in some turns so hardly....i don't know......i just wont let in to not being myself.......i will not make choices i don't want to because of this fearful rush i get.......blow it......
anyway, harvest home after band practice. well first gold star with sean and keith which was fucking hillarouis as always....can't discribe...plus like three people calling and asking if i was having a party for some reason haha.....what was that about?
but to harvest home with angel wings on....mass little girls on walk there laughed and pointed and smiled and loved that i was wearing them and children really are the best aren't they....they didnt care about anything on me but those angel wings....the parents looked nervous, cause im so threatening right?, oh he has dreadlocks and might be stoned, keep the kids away.... but i smiled back and answered their questions shyly because thats what i find myself doing....then saw amanda and crew and walked around and got more attention ha. girls coming up and every one feeling me and some boy wanted to be my freind so i shook his hand, some people asked if i could fly, a girl used that pick up line "did it hurt, when you fell from heaven" haha. amanda scowled at her with a sarcastic laugh which i found amusing... then some little girl in the art display tent was twirling around and asked if i was the baby jesus.........cause apprently the baby jesus was 22 years old, had wings and dreadlocks haha....it was tight though and amanda and i laughed for a bit off of that......some boy came up to hit on amanda and freinds and it was awkward and he asked me about my wings haha. that was super forced and strange......he spoke to every girl that walked by......
saw chris gorsser, that crazy mother fucker, he got second in the art competition for an awesome photograph, there was some irony with that since amanda and i were just guching over its awesomeness and i was completely unaware that its taker had been once naked and stoned standing at the top of a stair case with his penis tucked between legs screaming "im buffalo bill mother fuckers!" but it was cool. he gloated about his kids as always and seemed happy and amanda said she had to go so i got a ride to my car and went to keiths....
hung out and went to udf, stil lwearing thse wings haha. i love them dearly....i really enjoy wearing them...not jsut for looks, stares and questions....i wore them when i was alone in my room like an hour ago.....haha.man i'm a loser......
lisa and eric are having baby so i talked to them about that for awhile and how erics sperm is manly or maybe humble based upon which gender it is making in lisa's tummy. just a normal hang out at keith's house and watch futurama while talking about hillarouis things and watching a new water bong with naked women dancing on poles being passed around the circle skipping me without even being asked, that does feel good.....
got home at like 4 in the morn after playing some violin with the boys on the front porch, it was unsatisfing since lateness made me have to play piccicado which is no fun really...
woke up aving missed a half hour of bangles game, watched the rest. we won, it was tight...i felt really bad for the quarter back for cheifs that literally got "knocked the fuck out"
then lazyed around playing guitar and singing while watching tennis, what? yeah, it's really a beautiful game kinda. and i liked the match up of the cocky powerful american vs. the cultured precise swissman. sounded dramatic and it was. satisfied me....but then i wrote probally the best single riff i've ever written in my entire life i tihnk.........that....my freinds.......felt really good....my parents in the other room as soon as i wrote it and thought "damn, what was that" were like "hey tommy" and i said "yeah" and they were like "did yo uwrite that" and i was like "just now" and they were like "that's aweome, you should make it song, we like it" i was like "thanks"
let me express that this means alot to me since i get no compliments from them ever. but im beginging to like it that way. my mom actaully croons everytime i play piano over her own broken wish to have played but didnt.....actaully...lots of people do that......how sad and tragic in that longing beautiful way........im getting tight at it......
then i actaully left my house and saw miss rebecca ocean. and her boyfreind....that was strange....but i was happy to see it......but jelous...can't help it....i don't want her but fuck if she isn't one of those people you don't want to picture with other people.....you just want that beautiful memory to stay untouched...and for some reason other people touching her, making her laugh, and sharing that big soft wierd bed of hers, makes those memories seem touched.....fuck it......no reason to be childish about it i guess.....
then here again.....
and now bed......a pointless pointy entry i think. work tommrow.......can't wait for school i nten days....it's septemember 11th now....i give my respect to that sadness of that.....
work friday took it from me and i went back in sat. not that i'm glad i did cause with nat being in hosppital for spider bite it would have blown had i not come even for the time that i did but it fucked me up sleep wise pretty bad.....went home, going ot practice..........then i fell asleep and was two hours late ha. they said they couldn't even practice without we which is ridiculous but aprently karl only knows how to follow my guitar lines mostly........?????funny since i dont play rythem once haha......well actually thats not true.......i play rythem twice in all of our songs. but it made me laugh and kinda feel important since sean said it's boring without me there.....or did keith says that......yaeh keith......but it also made me feel bad for being two hours late....but god i was tired as hell.......im back sucking my teeth away on jolly ranchers.......why? cause things have been rough and tumble in my mind resently and for whatever fucking reason......my mind thinks those calms it down and so it does......i feel okay on them....the suger probally makes it so i can't pass out and sucking on things makes me feel like i can't throw up....so i get mass more coinfidence to do what im doing instead of focusing on breathing and getting my mind off my stomach and that makes me alot happier.....is it weak? i think so... but it's not drugs...makes me happier, and the only nagitive consquence that i can't easily deal with and accept is the suger on my teeth....but ill just brush them more....or ever...
i dont care about giving in to it because....i do really well since my threshold seems so small for dealing with things....i mean i do alot in front of people that people that aren't nervous say "oh i couldn't do that" i mean i palyed a show the other day....... i go to fetivals with angel wings on......i spend my whole life in dreadlocks which ain't easy sometimes when huge black men are looking at you with angry eyes like you've raped them or close minded people throw things t you from cars.......hot sauce.......last week some one threw a container of hot sauce at me....what is this luck i've had my whole life........i guess being shirtless, white, skinny, dreadlocked, pants low makes some people mad at you for being that alone, or they jsut think look at that idoit and throw thier hot sauce or glass bottle that bruised my shoulder for a week or a rock that missed my face by inchs......or varouis other verbal abuses.......for some reaosn...i can hadle that ha.......i played that show and was pretty good....not awesome but did well....and i can handle tension from fuckers and i can be wierd in public because i do think it is fun and i love attention....i really do....but then my stomach mcks that love in some turns so hardly....i don't know......i just wont let in to not being myself.......i will not make choices i don't want to because of this fearful rush i get.......blow it......
anyway, harvest home after band practice. well first gold star with sean and keith which was fucking hillarouis as always....can't discribe...plus like three people calling and asking if i was having a party for some reason haha.....what was that about?
but to harvest home with angel wings on....mass little girls on walk there laughed and pointed and smiled and loved that i was wearing them and children really are the best aren't they....they didnt care about anything on me but those angel wings....the parents looked nervous, cause im so threatening right?, oh he has dreadlocks and might be stoned, keep the kids away.... but i smiled back and answered their questions shyly because thats what i find myself doing....then saw amanda and crew and walked around and got more attention ha. girls coming up and every one feeling me and some boy wanted to be my freind so i shook his hand, some people asked if i could fly, a girl used that pick up line "did it hurt, when you fell from heaven" haha. amanda scowled at her with a sarcastic laugh which i found amusing... then some little girl in the art display tent was twirling around and asked if i was the baby jesus.........cause apprently the baby jesus was 22 years old, had wings and dreadlocks haha....it was tight though and amanda and i laughed for a bit off of that......some boy came up to hit on amanda and freinds and it was awkward and he asked me about my wings haha. that was super forced and strange......he spoke to every girl that walked by......
saw chris gorsser, that crazy mother fucker, he got second in the art competition for an awesome photograph, there was some irony with that since amanda and i were just guching over its awesomeness and i was completely unaware that its taker had been once naked and stoned standing at the top of a stair case with his penis tucked between legs screaming "im buffalo bill mother fuckers!" but it was cool. he gloated about his kids as always and seemed happy and amanda said she had to go so i got a ride to my car and went to keiths....
hung out and went to udf, stil lwearing thse wings haha. i love them dearly....i really enjoy wearing them...not jsut for looks, stares and questions....i wore them when i was alone in my room like an hour ago.....haha.man i'm a loser......
lisa and eric are having baby so i talked to them about that for awhile and how erics sperm is manly or maybe humble based upon which gender it is making in lisa's tummy. just a normal hang out at keith's house and watch futurama while talking about hillarouis things and watching a new water bong with naked women dancing on poles being passed around the circle skipping me without even being asked, that does feel good.....
got home at like 4 in the morn after playing some violin with the boys on the front porch, it was unsatisfing since lateness made me have to play piccicado which is no fun really...
woke up aving missed a half hour of bangles game, watched the rest. we won, it was tight...i felt really bad for the quarter back for cheifs that literally got "knocked the fuck out"
then lazyed around playing guitar and singing while watching tennis, what? yeah, it's really a beautiful game kinda. and i liked the match up of the cocky powerful american vs. the cultured precise swissman. sounded dramatic and it was. satisfied me....but then i wrote probally the best single riff i've ever written in my entire life i tihnk.........that....my freinds.......felt really good....my parents in the other room as soon as i wrote it and thought "damn, what was that" were like "hey tommy" and i said "yeah" and they were like "did yo uwrite that" and i was like "just now" and they were like "that's aweome, you should make it song, we like it" i was like "thanks"
let me express that this means alot to me since i get no compliments from them ever. but im beginging to like it that way. my mom actaully croons everytime i play piano over her own broken wish to have played but didnt.....actaully...lots of people do that......how sad and tragic in that longing beautiful way........im getting tight at it......
then i actaully left my house and saw miss rebecca ocean. and her boyfreind....that was strange....but i was happy to see it......but jelous...can't help it....i don't want her but fuck if she isn't one of those people you don't want to picture with other people.....you just want that beautiful memory to stay untouched...and for some reason other people touching her, making her laugh, and sharing that big soft wierd bed of hers, makes those memories seem touched.....fuck it......no reason to be childish about it i guess.....
then here again.....
and now bed......a pointless pointy entry i think. work tommrow.......can't wait for school i nten days....it's septemember 11th now....i give my respect to that sadness of that.....