she is never where she wants to be
it's always so easy to see
that she is never where she wants to be,
ive imagined pushing our bodies into sand,
making small fissures in the dark wet land
and the waves coming up to smooth it all out, perfectly again,
but it's just a dream, just a boy's little scheme,
because that's not where she wants to be
another land she's seen but one or twice
where the heat fuels passion and passion begets vice
but not the kind that gets you no where, like in dorm rooms with boys that add you to thier lists,
no, the kind of lust that fills your soul to the very brim of the body and clenching toes and sheet filled fists,
and gives you something,
you didnt know you could ever really feel. didnt know it existed really,
not untill life waned in that little bit of sweet fury.
i've seen her in classes
wearing long earings and sea horse necklaces
it dangles right between her breasts
and i dont ever mean to stare, dont mean to look so obsessed,
she learns and listens, yells and sneezes
and we laughed at water bottle accidents
in the way where nothing was funny but the smile jsut can't leave us,
it's there for its moment and wont give it up to anything,
won't let you take it away no matter what you need,
what you think you need,
but once it's gone, there was more gone then white teeth between thin red lips nesseled in curling hair getting blonder with the sun each day,
she isn't where she wants to be,
not a place that heals her body,
not a place she even seems to see,
just a feeling she got somewhere else,
a place far away from all the false, idols and soap
and parents that bark, a place that isn't perminent
like fissures in the sand that flee visably even in the dark
but i don't care if what i see,
is even what she beleives, really,
it's jsut that when i see her look, out at something
and i see her cheeks bunch up to her eyes,
it makes me think, it makes me realize, all those things of time,
of life that runs like paint in splashed on thinner, layers you build up on blank,
think are so beautiful, only to watch them fade, and run away, someday like they were fake,
but what will last, longer than bone, longer than a disk to put in some computer,
what will be as gold, like gold seems to me and her,
untouchably rare and beautiful just because it's not here but there.
and it so plain to see,
that she is never where she wants to be,
not fully, not wholly or intentionally.
and it makes me linger
just another night in summer, with black cloves that crackle and pop little life
into the night,
sitting on my porch as early forth of july fireworks go up and light the sky,
making the baby next store cry,
the little boy accross the street, who isnt even thinking that the fun will ever cease, just waiting for lights to go up and explode, he laughs before the boom even catchs up to the now,
he sees me sitting, blowing smoke farther then breath should go i nthe summer air, and asks his mom "who's that girl",
and i laughed but it's still not where i want to be,
not fully, just so too easy and even intently i sit here,
with breeze like true girl's hands,
that would never judge, jsut caress the ach in my back from work i somtimes cant stand,
and i think of that sea horse necklace always dangling between her breasts,
it's so easy to see, she's not where she wants to be,
and all i fucking do, is envy, envy, envy.
but at least it's where i can see
at least i know im like a drifter now,
that knows there more like me, than me.
~tommy