(no subject)
I have cut him out of my life.
I can't go into details but things happened the weekend that I was in New York City staying with him. They were small things but they made big things in my brain and big heavy weights on my chest and on my brain and I realized that he wasn't a human being to me anymore. Without ever knowing it he became a parasite to me.
I should have gotten so mad at him for him, and I did, but I should have gotten so so so mad at him. I physically could not. I became that girl that I hated who could not treat the one she loved as a human being.
He lied to me he lied to me did he use me? and he was nice where I could see it but so so mean underneath where it should really matter. He was not being mean, but he was mean, and it was not because he wanted to be, but because he was.
He should be thankful to have a friend like me. Sometimes I was mean on top but god more than anything in the world I loved him. It took me this long to do this because I didn't want to be a bad friend. I wanted to be the best friend in the world to him. I still do. I still love him but that's not enough and I need to love myself now. I need to love myself without him.
And oh here comes the flood.
Did you know that Tuesday morning was the first morning in three years that he was not the first thing I thought about after waking up? I told him that. I told him I am crazy. I asked him don't you think I'm crazy? He told me I'm not crazy. I told him I love him so fucking much and I will miss him so much and that it's not his fault at all. He told me that it's not all his fault. I told him it's not his fault.
I told him I need to separate Concept from Practice and how scared that makes me. It felt so secure to have a ghost like that. A warm cloud made of good memories. But the cloud came from my face and my neck and my chest and now I have to let it go into the air. It was so warm out this morning and tonight it snowed.
I will say goodbye to flesh and blood.
I told him to call me if he needs me but he's never needed me. He told me that's not true that he's never needed me. I believe him. He's never needed me like I needed him, but he's needed me. He needs me. I told him it's a big responsibility to be the first person ever to prove to a girl that she can be loved. I told him how scared I am. I told him I love him and I will miss him. I told him goodbye. I was so scared. I am so scared.
I copied the mix he made me and put it in a paper bag. I went through old spiral notebooks and tore out pages and put them in the bag. I went through old emails and saved them to the USB memory drive he gave me and put them in the bag. I went on Facebook and untagged myself in the photos of us together. I deleted a note. I wrote one last notebook page: 2/18/09 I AM DONE I AM FREE. That went in the bag. I taped it up and hid it. I won't have to see it until May. I want to mail it to somebody I trust with my life.
I am so exhausted. Breathing comes slowly and in big gulps.
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.
I have been drowning for three years and now I have air.
I can't go into details but things happened the weekend that I was in New York City staying with him. They were small things but they made big things in my brain and big heavy weights on my chest and on my brain and I realized that he wasn't a human being to me anymore. Without ever knowing it he became a parasite to me.
I should have gotten so mad at him for him, and I did, but I should have gotten so so so mad at him. I physically could not. I became that girl that I hated who could not treat the one she loved as a human being.
He lied to me he lied to me did he use me? and he was nice where I could see it but so so mean underneath where it should really matter. He was not being mean, but he was mean, and it was not because he wanted to be, but because he was.
He should be thankful to have a friend like me. Sometimes I was mean on top but god more than anything in the world I loved him. It took me this long to do this because I didn't want to be a bad friend. I wanted to be the best friend in the world to him. I still do. I still love him but that's not enough and I need to love myself now. I need to love myself without him.
And oh here comes the flood.
Did you know that Tuesday morning was the first morning in three years that he was not the first thing I thought about after waking up? I told him that. I told him I am crazy. I asked him don't you think I'm crazy? He told me I'm not crazy. I told him I love him so fucking much and I will miss him so much and that it's not his fault at all. He told me that it's not all his fault. I told him it's not his fault.
I told him I need to separate Concept from Practice and how scared that makes me. It felt so secure to have a ghost like that. A warm cloud made of good memories. But the cloud came from my face and my neck and my chest and now I have to let it go into the air. It was so warm out this morning and tonight it snowed.
I will say goodbye to flesh and blood.
I told him to call me if he needs me but he's never needed me. He told me that's not true that he's never needed me. I believe him. He's never needed me like I needed him, but he's needed me. He needs me. I told him it's a big responsibility to be the first person ever to prove to a girl that she can be loved. I told him how scared I am. I told him I love him and I will miss him. I told him goodbye. I was so scared. I am so scared.
I copied the mix he made me and put it in a paper bag. I went through old spiral notebooks and tore out pages and put them in the bag. I went through old emails and saved them to the USB memory drive he gave me and put them in the bag. I went on Facebook and untagged myself in the photos of us together. I deleted a note. I wrote one last notebook page: 2/18/09 I AM DONE I AM FREE. That went in the bag. I taped it up and hid it. I won't have to see it until May. I want to mail it to somebody I trust with my life.
I am so exhausted. Breathing comes slowly and in big gulps.
Drink up, dreamers, you're running dry.
I have been drowning for three years and now I have air.