Hear You Me My Friend
It's that time of year again. This day feels different every year, while at the same time stunningly similar. But this year I thought for a moment about Steven's voice, and I can't remember it. I tried, but it's gone. His face flashed before my eyes moments after I had closed them to fall asleep but his voice--I hadn't really thought about holding onto it until last night. And now it's gone. I don't have any movies or recordings of his voice. Unless he sends it back to me somehow, it's gone. Like him. Eight years. Damn.
This memory just came back to me now, thinking of his voice. We were at his bar mitzvah and I had forgotten his check. So I ran out to my parents car and my mom handed it to me and I ran back in, still feeling a buzz from one of my first meaningful slow dances and the fact that for the first time I really felt attractive and pretty. He was standing in his black pants and white button down shirt with that smile on his face. His best friend, also named Steven, was standing with him. They were outside the ballroom, standing by the poster that everyone signed for him. Each one of them standing on either side. I came in, a bit out of breath from running and mumbled an explanation of how I had forgotten the check but I ran to go get it and I was sorry and here it was. And I remember handing it to him, and he laughed. But he wasn't laughing at me. Never did he laugh at me. It was this affectionate kind of laughter, this laugh that put me at ease and made me think my mistake was silly instead of stupid. I believe I said bye to him and gave him a hug after that. And thinking about it now I wish I had cherised that hug and that laugh and the way he said thank you and a million other things about him.
Every time I think of things like this it brings to mind all the other people in my life that have wonderful things about them that I begin to take for granted in the daily grind of life. The way my mother's voice can calm me down or rile me up, but regardless it is always there to listen and understand without any explanation. The way my brother is so strong and so vibrant in his life and opions, and regardless of the fact that he is seventeen, almost eighteen, he loves me in a way that no one else will ever love me in my life, with a sense of respect and admiration so pure and caring that on the worst of the worst days it keeps me going. And my father, who I have been through so much with but calls me up now just to hear my voice. I love him so much and it took me so long to know this and it's such a big deal that I do.
And all my friends. The way Chrissy can snort and I can giggle and everything else seems to just fade away and life is just good. The way Lauren can make a goofy face at me and I can make one back and we can communicate years of college and high school in one simple gesture. The way Carl can pick up his phone and instantly bring me a sense of warmth and comfort, knowing that someone cares about me as deeply as he does. The way that Kevin, regardless of what other people or places are in our lives, is always there to give me a hard time but smile at me in that way that lets me know he's still my friend, has always been my friend and will always be. The way that Lauren and Ashley are at U of I but I know that no distance or time without talking can break the bond that has grown so strong from high school to college that I feel like they are pieces of me. The way that during this day every year I have Rae and Erica who understand without any words because they were there and still are there and I think that says something.
I love all the people in my life and I love those that are gone. Steven taught me many things in his life and death, but the most important one remains--never taking anyone for granted because you never know when they will be gone. I pick out and cherish the good in people and truly live my life in hopes of spreading a smile here and a hug there and making people feel good. I hope my love and appreciation for life and all those in it not only affects the way I live but those others who I owe so much to.
I love you all, even if I haven't told you lately. I do.
I miss you Steven. Love you always and forever. 3/1/87-9/11/00
This memory just came back to me now, thinking of his voice. We were at his bar mitzvah and I had forgotten his check. So I ran out to my parents car and my mom handed it to me and I ran back in, still feeling a buzz from one of my first meaningful slow dances and the fact that for the first time I really felt attractive and pretty. He was standing in his black pants and white button down shirt with that smile on his face. His best friend, also named Steven, was standing with him. They were outside the ballroom, standing by the poster that everyone signed for him. Each one of them standing on either side. I came in, a bit out of breath from running and mumbled an explanation of how I had forgotten the check but I ran to go get it and I was sorry and here it was. And I remember handing it to him, and he laughed. But he wasn't laughing at me. Never did he laugh at me. It was this affectionate kind of laughter, this laugh that put me at ease and made me think my mistake was silly instead of stupid. I believe I said bye to him and gave him a hug after that. And thinking about it now I wish I had cherised that hug and that laugh and the way he said thank you and a million other things about him.
Every time I think of things like this it brings to mind all the other people in my life that have wonderful things about them that I begin to take for granted in the daily grind of life. The way my mother's voice can calm me down or rile me up, but regardless it is always there to listen and understand without any explanation. The way my brother is so strong and so vibrant in his life and opions, and regardless of the fact that he is seventeen, almost eighteen, he loves me in a way that no one else will ever love me in my life, with a sense of respect and admiration so pure and caring that on the worst of the worst days it keeps me going. And my father, who I have been through so much with but calls me up now just to hear my voice. I love him so much and it took me so long to know this and it's such a big deal that I do.
And all my friends. The way Chrissy can snort and I can giggle and everything else seems to just fade away and life is just good. The way Lauren can make a goofy face at me and I can make one back and we can communicate years of college and high school in one simple gesture. The way Carl can pick up his phone and instantly bring me a sense of warmth and comfort, knowing that someone cares about me as deeply as he does. The way that Kevin, regardless of what other people or places are in our lives, is always there to give me a hard time but smile at me in that way that lets me know he's still my friend, has always been my friend and will always be. The way that Lauren and Ashley are at U of I but I know that no distance or time without talking can break the bond that has grown so strong from high school to college that I feel like they are pieces of me. The way that during this day every year I have Rae and Erica who understand without any words because they were there and still are there and I think that says something.
I love all the people in my life and I love those that are gone. Steven taught me many things in his life and death, but the most important one remains--never taking anyone for granted because you never know when they will be gone. I pick out and cherish the good in people and truly live my life in hopes of spreading a smile here and a hug there and making people feel good. I hope my love and appreciation for life and all those in it not only affects the way I live but those others who I owe so much to.
I love you all, even if I haven't told you lately. I do.
I miss you Steven. Love you always and forever. 3/1/87-9/11/00