reflections
i sat up all night, insomnia once again claiming my life, and i thought of you. i thought of where we were at this time last year. remember? we were making plans for the baby....debating things like soccer camp vs. pirate camp, the amount of damage that can be inflicted on a child by too much competitivness, and drooling over things like tiny, pink peacoats.
hot summer nights filled with chocolate creme donuts, happy meals, frank yerby, and vanilla sky. hours laying in bed talking about absolutely nothing at all....and the first time i felt her move. you will never understand how much that affected me. i could never put it into words.
and now, it means absolutely nothing at all. almost two fucking years....two years....and it's as if it never happened. or worse even, you've reduced our entire history, our entire life together to two fucking words scarey lesbian. i can't begin to explain the numbness that leaves, b. it doesn't even hurt....god, i wish it would hurt. feeling something, even pain, has to be better than nothing....right?
and it isn't about us as a couple, b. god knows we could only be defined as one using the most liberal definition of the word. it's about everything else. the significance you held in my life....the significance of our experiece. for me, its undefinable. for you, it's scarey lesbian. remember when i used to be so much more?
i should hate you for the shit you've put me through, but i don't. i just wish i had answers to my questions...only the questions are different than they were the last time we spoke. for the life of me, i only seem to be able to remember one.
why did you let me love you?
hot summer nights filled with chocolate creme donuts, happy meals, frank yerby, and vanilla sky. hours laying in bed talking about absolutely nothing at all....and the first time i felt her move. you will never understand how much that affected me. i could never put it into words.
and now, it means absolutely nothing at all. almost two fucking years....two years....and it's as if it never happened. or worse even, you've reduced our entire history, our entire life together to two fucking words scarey lesbian. i can't begin to explain the numbness that leaves, b. it doesn't even hurt....god, i wish it would hurt. feeling something, even pain, has to be better than nothing....right?
and it isn't about us as a couple, b. god knows we could only be defined as one using the most liberal definition of the word. it's about everything else. the significance you held in my life....the significance of our experiece. for me, its undefinable. for you, it's scarey lesbian. remember when i used to be so much more?
i should hate you for the shit you've put me through, but i don't. i just wish i had answers to my questions...only the questions are different than they were the last time we spoke. for the life of me, i only seem to be able to remember one.
why did you let me love you?