you can't take a picture of this, it's already gone
so much to say. my hormones attack again. in such a wonderful way. don't know why it's taken me this long to really appreciate being a woman, but i am finally able to be supremely grateful. in the jewish tradition, every sermon begins with a reading where all the men thank god for having not been born women. they got it so fucking wrong. i know this roller coaster can be tiring--one moment i will be crying and the next i will be dancing on air. the frustrating part only appears when this shift in mood happens abruptly, catches me by surprise. but i've been around long enough now to know when it will happen.
not only do i know when it will come but i actually look forward to it. and i feel as if i am taking all the world into myself. i cry because of my little life--i cry to think that i could leave it at any moment, without accomplishing what i one day hope to; i cry to think of when my parents will leave me, or my brother, because i cannot bear to think of life without them; i cry for my lost childhood--that lovely time that i can only think of as a dream at this point. i sometimes wonder if it could ever have been as perfect as i remember it. but i know it was, and i know that i have been incredibly lucky.
so i cry for all these things. and then i start dancing. this overwhelming energy takes over and i think that i will never be sad again--how could anyone ever be sad when there are so many wonderful things in this world? my mind goes at warp speed, just like when i'm depressed, but instead of a downward spiral it's like i can't ever reach high enough. i feel so light, as if i could just float away. but that is too passive--i don't want to float, i want to FLY. and so i dance and dance, jump and jump, do high-kicks, twirl myself into oblivion.
maybe i have a touch of the bipolar, lord knows i take after my aunt. but i will not end up in a mental institution like her. i may have her thick hair, but i know that i can manage this mind. i am slowly coming to understand it. i don't deign to believe i could ever control it, but i think i can accomodate it the best i can, and just be thankful for it. i thank god (who doesn't exist) for making me a woman. i wouldn't want it any other way. the bad days are all worth it because they produce the good--i really believe that. it's all worth it.
and i get to put on a dress tomorrow night and go dance in williamsburg. life doesn't get much better than dancing with all your favorite people. if for no other reason than it makes you forget that this is all going to end. you can really believe that your parents will live forever--they're not really getting older, that's just silly. they will start getting younger at any moment and, soon enough, they will come and dance with you. and you and your brother will always be best friends, making snowforts and making each other laugh hysterically. that is why you were created after all, to enjoy this small space you've been given. the best we can do for ourselves is to feel free.
so, happy mother's day to my mother. i can never tell her how thankful i am, how lucky i am, that she is my mother. and happy birthday to me in about a week. i hate the details of birthdays but i love mine. i love the lilacs and the thunderstorms. what a wonderful time to be born. and i want to thank my parents for having my brother. this world would be so much colder without him. just because there is no god does not mean we can't be thankful. i need to remember that on my bad days--that i am so fucking fortunate, in every possible way. when i am in this mood it feels like love itself is flowing through my veins--all the love in the world, all the smells and all the sensations.
it is warm and humid out--YES. the russian dry cleaners down the block smells like prague--YES. my grandmother is turning 91 next month--YES. i am still alive, and still able to dance--YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.
not only do i know when it will come but i actually look forward to it. and i feel as if i am taking all the world into myself. i cry because of my little life--i cry to think that i could leave it at any moment, without accomplishing what i one day hope to; i cry to think of when my parents will leave me, or my brother, because i cannot bear to think of life without them; i cry for my lost childhood--that lovely time that i can only think of as a dream at this point. i sometimes wonder if it could ever have been as perfect as i remember it. but i know it was, and i know that i have been incredibly lucky.
so i cry for all these things. and then i start dancing. this overwhelming energy takes over and i think that i will never be sad again--how could anyone ever be sad when there are so many wonderful things in this world? my mind goes at warp speed, just like when i'm depressed, but instead of a downward spiral it's like i can't ever reach high enough. i feel so light, as if i could just float away. but that is too passive--i don't want to float, i want to FLY. and so i dance and dance, jump and jump, do high-kicks, twirl myself into oblivion.
maybe i have a touch of the bipolar, lord knows i take after my aunt. but i will not end up in a mental institution like her. i may have her thick hair, but i know that i can manage this mind. i am slowly coming to understand it. i don't deign to believe i could ever control it, but i think i can accomodate it the best i can, and just be thankful for it. i thank god (who doesn't exist) for making me a woman. i wouldn't want it any other way. the bad days are all worth it because they produce the good--i really believe that. it's all worth it.
and i get to put on a dress tomorrow night and go dance in williamsburg. life doesn't get much better than dancing with all your favorite people. if for no other reason than it makes you forget that this is all going to end. you can really believe that your parents will live forever--they're not really getting older, that's just silly. they will start getting younger at any moment and, soon enough, they will come and dance with you. and you and your brother will always be best friends, making snowforts and making each other laugh hysterically. that is why you were created after all, to enjoy this small space you've been given. the best we can do for ourselves is to feel free.
so, happy mother's day to my mother. i can never tell her how thankful i am, how lucky i am, that she is my mother. and happy birthday to me in about a week. i hate the details of birthdays but i love mine. i love the lilacs and the thunderstorms. what a wonderful time to be born. and i want to thank my parents for having my brother. this world would be so much colder without him. just because there is no god does not mean we can't be thankful. i need to remember that on my bad days--that i am so fucking fortunate, in every possible way. when i am in this mood it feels like love itself is flowing through my veins--all the love in the world, all the smells and all the sensations.
it is warm and humid out--YES. the russian dry cleaners down the block smells like prague--YES. my grandmother is turning 91 next month--YES. i am still alive, and still able to dance--YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.