Cheese Theif
I keep Laughing Cow cheese in the fridge at work, and crackers in my desk for when I get hungry and want something more substantial than the chocolates and gummies I often snack on. Last week I wanted some cheese and went to the fridge, only to discover the empty container. Upon reflection, I think the cheese dissapeared much faster than it should have, given how rarely I partake, so I was forced to conclude someone has been stealing my cheese. Not only stealing it, but leaving the empty container behind. I was furious. I wasn't so angry about the loss of the cheese, no, it was the principle of the thing. I found it completely outrageous that a grown adult, working in an industry that requires one to be rational and logical*, would go around stealing food.
I came back to my desk in a huff and told the people around me what happened. I then asked if it would be childish to write an angry letter and stick it to the fridge, and a lawyer whose office is nearby said "do it!" so I did.
Interoffice Memo
To:
The Cheese Stealer
From:
The victim of the Cheese Stealer
Date:
August 16, 2012
Re:
Don't Steal my Cheese!
I keep cheese in the fridge so that when I'm hungry I have a quick and filling snack. I can see how this might be tempting to you, working as hard as you no doubt do. However, the cheese is not communal property and it is not yours.
It's bad enough that you stole it like some third-grader, but you stole the last piece of cheese and left the box in the fridge. I went to get that cheese today, Cheese Stealer, and found, instead, an empty box. I am hungry now, and unable to satiate my hunger for delicious, creamy, garlic and herb cheese.
I hope you were really desperate for that cheese. I hope you were about to go into some kind of low blood-sugar coma if you didn't have some cheese immediately. I hope you are merely a desperate person and not a bad one. However, I am not aware of any medical conditions which require the sufferer to consume cheese on a regular basis, and if such a thing existed I would expect you to be prepared and keep your own cheese. I am forced to conclude that you are a jerk. A cheese stealing jerk with the mentality of a third grade bully.
Stop being a jerk. Don't steal cheese.
With no love,
-victim of the Cheese Stealer
PS - I think someone has also been into my jam. Please don't eat my jam!
Today, I couldn't help but check the fridge. I knew it was unlikely, but part of me was hoping there would be a new package of cheese with a note that says "I'm sorry" attached. There was no cheese. But there was a picture of a camera with the caption "Say Cheese!" attached to one of the shelves in the fridge. I think it must be related to my letter, but I have no idea what it means. I doubt they would set up hidden cameras or anything. Maybe a bluff? Anyway, I am now keeping my cheese at home and only bringing it in a block at a time. I also no longer feel like a paranoid patty for locking my desk whenever I'll be away from it for more than a few minutes.
*Yes, I work at a law firm, and I know lawyers get a bad rep, but the ones who work here do mostly corporate work and some litigation, but not the ambulance chasing type. So while I could joke that some rational lawyer devoid of ethics stole my cheese, it doesn't ring true to me.
EDIT: I just went back to the kitchen, and both my letter and the "Say Cheese" picture have been removed.
I came back to my desk in a huff and told the people around me what happened. I then asked if it would be childish to write an angry letter and stick it to the fridge, and a lawyer whose office is nearby said "do it!" so I did.
Interoffice Memo
To:
The Cheese Stealer
From:
The victim of the Cheese Stealer
Date:
August 16, 2012
Re:
Don't Steal my Cheese!
I keep cheese in the fridge so that when I'm hungry I have a quick and filling snack. I can see how this might be tempting to you, working as hard as you no doubt do. However, the cheese is not communal property and it is not yours.
It's bad enough that you stole it like some third-grader, but you stole the last piece of cheese and left the box in the fridge. I went to get that cheese today, Cheese Stealer, and found, instead, an empty box. I am hungry now, and unable to satiate my hunger for delicious, creamy, garlic and herb cheese.
I hope you were really desperate for that cheese. I hope you were about to go into some kind of low blood-sugar coma if you didn't have some cheese immediately. I hope you are merely a desperate person and not a bad one. However, I am not aware of any medical conditions which require the sufferer to consume cheese on a regular basis, and if such a thing existed I would expect you to be prepared and keep your own cheese. I am forced to conclude that you are a jerk. A cheese stealing jerk with the mentality of a third grade bully.
Stop being a jerk. Don't steal cheese.
With no love,
-victim of the Cheese Stealer
PS - I think someone has also been into my jam. Please don't eat my jam!
Today, I couldn't help but check the fridge. I knew it was unlikely, but part of me was hoping there would be a new package of cheese with a note that says "I'm sorry" attached. There was no cheese. But there was a picture of a camera with the caption "Say Cheese!" attached to one of the shelves in the fridge. I think it must be related to my letter, but I have no idea what it means. I doubt they would set up hidden cameras or anything. Maybe a bluff? Anyway, I am now keeping my cheese at home and only bringing it in a block at a time. I also no longer feel like a paranoid patty for locking my desk whenever I'll be away from it for more than a few minutes.
*Yes, I work at a law firm, and I know lawyers get a bad rep, but the ones who work here do mostly corporate work and some litigation, but not the ambulance chasing type. So while I could joke that some rational lawyer devoid of ethics stole my cheese, it doesn't ring true to me.
EDIT: I just went back to the kitchen, and both my letter and the "Say Cheese" picture have been removed.