(no subject)
Sometimes things bother me out of the blue...in weird ways. I think this weekend has worn me down somewhat. I worked friday night and then I worked all saturday day/night. It about killed me... i was hoping on hour 10 for saturday i could go home but no such luck. really. so by the time i got off work and went out it was seriously 1 am and i was so dead tired ...i couldn't really explain it to ppl. So i just went home and talked on the computer to a freak on the west coast haha... for a while till like 5. Jantzen had drill all weekend so our house has been pretty quiet and w. me gone except for sleeping it's been way lame really. a double thursday... worked 4-1130 friday.. 10 45 to 11 40 saturday and today 4-10... i am beat. really beat...
Anyhow . .. same old shit different day. I guess ...always thinking about what i will do w. my life..la la la.
what else is new really. ANyhow I am putting on weight i think too but i feel like i work so much i don't have time to go tot he gym i do but it's like i need all my energy to like work. So this is weird...
I always say i want to be single. well some ppl who know me think that is like a joke. When i say this i mean it as in i don't want to date someone just to date someone or for the fact i don't need a title. I mean it's a lil confusing. I mean i know ...and i am sure plenty of ppl do... know girls who just want to date someone b.c they don't want to be alone. I don't mind being alone and infact me and me get a long pretty well most days...well mornings after big drinking sprees i tend to be on non talking terms w. myself...anyhow...i went out for like an hour on saturday night i had a beer or two seriously nothing much... anyhow when it was near bar close i was talking to Rachel Durst and her boyfriend john. I forget exactly what they were talking about. it was silly and made me laugh...they were both acting goofy...neither seemed overly drunk or anything...but it hit me right then... it took me back to a place...that i once was years ago. it was weird. I realized it was missing from my life and w. any guy i had talked to in so long. I remember when i dated steve. Don't get me wrong there wasn't perfection there. although there was an understanding there we were like in a way ...a lot the same...Sometime in a crowded bar i could just look at him when something happened and laugh. No one understood...or would even catch what it was that we were smiling about...but we didn't have to say a single thing... We knew what it was. It was like a deeper understanding...I don't know... i could just tell though the way they were acting... it seemed like thats how they were w. each other.. ...it was nothing i had thought about in a long time... it's comforting sometimes to know there is someone there that knows you so well ... Oh well. It's sort of just put me in a funk.
Like i said i talk to adam bassman all the time...well not all the time i sometimes go through phases and I think why in the hell am i talking to him still... for reasons like...this is going nowhere and wasting everyones time. But i felt a lil bum-ish after i left the bar that night cause i was tired and going home alone... alone as in no housemate or any friends...just alone. So i was bored and tried to call adam again for the third time that day...and well shocking he didn't answer at 11 or at 2 30...or at 4:30 which i didn't really expect. This frustrated me because... I know he's pretty much out w. girl friends. I just highly DOUBT he's just out w. his friends... b.c generally when he's w. his friends he will do things like answer his phone but when his shade comes out....like hell will he answer that phone. ...now it's sunday night and i've talked to him he told me he passed out after going to a comedy club and some wine thing..i mean why wouldn't i believe him...Well i have a few reasons why...but i would thinkif he saw i called 3 times altogether ( this is before the 4 am one) he would think oh maybe i should call her back. maybe somethings up. weird huh. see shit like this. There is no like knowing him there isn't anything that would ever be ..like how things were w. my ex...or w. any normal functioning couple. SHADE SHADE SHADE!!!!! now the real reason i am mad is because ... i am even caring. I know i have wrote about how Acacia had wrote me and told me about how when he came and visited me that he was still talking to her and said "oh i am going to visit an old high school friend up north".... and she bought it totally untill she saw the picture tagged on facebook of me kissing him...when he was suppose to be "visiting an old friend up north"...clearly i am not an old friend nor am i up north... She told me she was so mad... but he was on a christmas vacation w. his family... when he got back she flipped out about it to him... and well he untagged it then ( which means ppl can't see it on his profile anymore) which pissed me off at the time cause i was like what is he trying to hide? really...so i confronted him.. and he told me his ex g/f that he dated for a year was upset by it.. so i sort of let it slide...well acacia ISNT HIS EX that he dated for a year. When i finally told adam about all the stuff Acacia told me he was like.. she's just mad at me it's all lies she doesn't want u to like me. Now i feel like i am in one of those R&B stupid he said she said songs...fuck that bull shit. So this is what i deal w.... i normally keep talking to him but tell myself not to care ..u know he's not my boyfriend so everyone can do what they want and it works fine till i start to actually like him again then i get...like i did saturday and just want to talk and where is he ... MIA for almost 48 hours. I don't put up w. this why am i.. why have i just spent 30 minutes of my life to writing about it. Fuck this . Its so lame. I didn't ask who he went out w. on saturday b/c honestly...i didn't want to hear ..oh just some friends.. not cause i would be sad but just because in a way i didn't want to feel like i was being lied to. like hell he would say..oh this girl i have been talking to.. u know ur calls cara..they really mess up my game.. lets get serious..i don't ask questions that the real answers wouldn't be said anyhow... like hey adam how many girls do u talk to..do u really think he's going to be... oh ur one of like 10...HELLNO...gesh.... me even caring about this shit right now makes me mad. It's to the point that i am like why are we even talking ...ur not my boyfriend... ur clearly not going to be.... i don't need attention from guys to go on w. my life... I really mean is there a point to this???? i want to scream WHAT IS THE POINT!!!!???? I mean its nice to talk to a guy now and then but i don't need a guy there to talk to ...i don't need guys attention ...i have went through periods where i have "pushed him away" whatever and he keeps calling and msging till i talk to him...then i fall back in...but i want to yell SCREAM ... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE POINT TO THIS ADAM!!!!! DO U WANT TO DATE ME? DO I EVEN WANT TO DATE U...the way he is so vague and shady and unclear...and avoids staright answers...FUCK NO I DONT WANT TO DATE THAT SHIT...i want to add how i love it when he says things like ...they...them...friends...we ...us..nothing has a freaking GENDER...it makes me laugh because i am like WHY ARE U TRYING TO HIDE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHH .... I am seriously better than all this. I think i am an interesting person ... why am i wasting my time...
they say everyone has someone...was mine clearly hit by a truck?
Anyone out there... leave me a comment. u don'thave to put who u are and there is no way on earth that i will know unless u tell me...What is wrong w. me what should i do w. this whole situation???? ANYONE Please...suggestions.
just thinking about this crap and dealing w. it makes me feel like i am low quality...that sounds dumb but it does...
someone help me :(
I feel i am a openminded ...level headed.. "cool" enough girl that a guy can be honest w. me...does anyone one agree? i am not petty or jealous. what is wrong w. this ...
sadk...and confused....now tired
DEAD
saveme
Anyhow . .. same old shit different day. I guess ...always thinking about what i will do w. my life..la la la.
what else is new really. ANyhow I am putting on weight i think too but i feel like i work so much i don't have time to go tot he gym i do but it's like i need all my energy to like work. So this is weird...
I always say i want to be single. well some ppl who know me think that is like a joke. When i say this i mean it as in i don't want to date someone just to date someone or for the fact i don't need a title. I mean it's a lil confusing. I mean i know ...and i am sure plenty of ppl do... know girls who just want to date someone b.c they don't want to be alone. I don't mind being alone and infact me and me get a long pretty well most days...well mornings after big drinking sprees i tend to be on non talking terms w. myself...anyhow...i went out for like an hour on saturday night i had a beer or two seriously nothing much... anyhow when it was near bar close i was talking to Rachel Durst and her boyfriend john. I forget exactly what they were talking about. it was silly and made me laugh...they were both acting goofy...neither seemed overly drunk or anything...but it hit me right then... it took me back to a place...that i once was years ago. it was weird. I realized it was missing from my life and w. any guy i had talked to in so long. I remember when i dated steve. Don't get me wrong there wasn't perfection there. although there was an understanding there we were like in a way ...a lot the same...Sometime in a crowded bar i could just look at him when something happened and laugh. No one understood...or would even catch what it was that we were smiling about...but we didn't have to say a single thing... We knew what it was. It was like a deeper understanding...I don't know... i could just tell though the way they were acting... it seemed like thats how they were w. each other.. ...it was nothing i had thought about in a long time... it's comforting sometimes to know there is someone there that knows you so well ... Oh well. It's sort of just put me in a funk.
Like i said i talk to adam bassman all the time...well not all the time i sometimes go through phases and I think why in the hell am i talking to him still... for reasons like...this is going nowhere and wasting everyones time. But i felt a lil bum-ish after i left the bar that night cause i was tired and going home alone... alone as in no housemate or any friends...just alone. So i was bored and tried to call adam again for the third time that day...and well shocking he didn't answer at 11 or at 2 30...or at 4:30 which i didn't really expect. This frustrated me because... I know he's pretty much out w. girl friends. I just highly DOUBT he's just out w. his friends... b.c generally when he's w. his friends he will do things like answer his phone but when his shade comes out....like hell will he answer that phone. ...now it's sunday night and i've talked to him he told me he passed out after going to a comedy club and some wine thing..i mean why wouldn't i believe him...Well i have a few reasons why...but i would thinkif he saw i called 3 times altogether ( this is before the 4 am one) he would think oh maybe i should call her back. maybe somethings up. weird huh. see shit like this. There is no like knowing him there isn't anything that would ever be ..like how things were w. my ex...or w. any normal functioning couple. SHADE SHADE SHADE!!!!! now the real reason i am mad is because ... i am even caring. I know i have wrote about how Acacia had wrote me and told me about how when he came and visited me that he was still talking to her and said "oh i am going to visit an old high school friend up north".... and she bought it totally untill she saw the picture tagged on facebook of me kissing him...when he was suppose to be "visiting an old friend up north"...clearly i am not an old friend nor am i up north... She told me she was so mad... but he was on a christmas vacation w. his family... when he got back she flipped out about it to him... and well he untagged it then ( which means ppl can't see it on his profile anymore) which pissed me off at the time cause i was like what is he trying to hide? really...so i confronted him.. and he told me his ex g/f that he dated for a year was upset by it.. so i sort of let it slide...well acacia ISNT HIS EX that he dated for a year. When i finally told adam about all the stuff Acacia told me he was like.. she's just mad at me it's all lies she doesn't want u to like me. Now i feel like i am in one of those R&B stupid he said she said songs...fuck that bull shit. So this is what i deal w.... i normally keep talking to him but tell myself not to care ..u know he's not my boyfriend so everyone can do what they want and it works fine till i start to actually like him again then i get...like i did saturday and just want to talk and where is he ... MIA for almost 48 hours. I don't put up w. this why am i.. why have i just spent 30 minutes of my life to writing about it. Fuck this . Its so lame. I didn't ask who he went out w. on saturday b/c honestly...i didn't want to hear ..oh just some friends.. not cause i would be sad but just because in a way i didn't want to feel like i was being lied to. like hell he would say..oh this girl i have been talking to.. u know ur calls cara..they really mess up my game.. lets get serious..i don't ask questions that the real answers wouldn't be said anyhow... like hey adam how many girls do u talk to..do u really think he's going to be... oh ur one of like 10...HELLNO...gesh.... me even caring about this shit right now makes me mad. It's to the point that i am like why are we even talking ...ur not my boyfriend... ur clearly not going to be.... i don't need attention from guys to go on w. my life... I really mean is there a point to this???? i want to scream WHAT IS THE POINT!!!!???? I mean its nice to talk to a guy now and then but i don't need a guy there to talk to ...i don't need guys attention ...i have went through periods where i have "pushed him away" whatever and he keeps calling and msging till i talk to him...then i fall back in...but i want to yell SCREAM ... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE POINT TO THIS ADAM!!!!! DO U WANT TO DATE ME? DO I EVEN WANT TO DATE U...the way he is so vague and shady and unclear...and avoids staright answers...FUCK NO I DONT WANT TO DATE THAT SHIT...i want to add how i love it when he says things like ...they...them...friends...we ...us..nothing has a freaking GENDER...it makes me laugh because i am like WHY ARE U TRYING TO HIDE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHH .... I am seriously better than all this. I think i am an interesting person ... why am i wasting my time...
they say everyone has someone...was mine clearly hit by a truck?
Anyone out there... leave me a comment. u don'thave to put who u are and there is no way on earth that i will know unless u tell me...What is wrong w. me what should i do w. this whole situation???? ANYONE Please...suggestions.
just thinking about this crap and dealing w. it makes me feel like i am low quality...that sounds dumb but it does...
someone help me :(
I feel i am a openminded ...level headed.. "cool" enough girl that a guy can be honest w. me...does anyone one agree? i am not petty or jealous. what is wrong w. this ...
sadk...and confused....now tired
DEAD
saveme