(no subject)
you know, it's been a long time since i've written in this journal. i don't even know a lot of people that still use their online blogs. regardless, it's a chance for me to get out some bottled-up emotions. it's been a little over three weeks since sal committed suicide, and with each passing day i still battle with the issue. now, i didn't know him as well as others. i wasn't his best friend, but i can say that i did know him better than some. we were close friends... and it has been a major loss to many people that i know. i just have a hard time understanding death and learning to deal with it. i've been to more than a handful of wakes and funerals, and i have a difficult time coming to terms with it.
i can't sleep at night. i wake up in the middle of the night, seeing him in my nightmares. i'll drive home at two in the morning and i'll have to pull over because i thought i saw him walking in the street. i can't stand being alone by mself because i'm going crazy with thoughts about him. i'm trying to keep myself surrounded with people so i won't catch myself thinking of him. i haven't truly cried and let it go because i don't accept that it's fucking real yet. not even after the wake or the funeral. i just don't believe that it's real. i haven't had a moment of clarity. i know in my heart that he's no longer here, but i don't know... it hasn't settled.
i'll see the sun rise and set every day, and i will think to myself, "sal, you're missing out. you're fucking missing out on life. you're going to miss out on every sunrise and sunset, every summer breeze, every rainy day. every fucking thing... you are going to miss every single fucking important thing in the lives of the people who loved you."
i find myself arguing with people about his decision to kill himself. i want people to shut up about it. everyone views suicide as being selfish, but i've been there and i've attempted the same thing. i was clinically depressed and i got help. people do these things because there is something seriously wrong. i'm done with hearing that "he was a selfish asshole" and blah blah blah "he was a prick for doing something like that" because maybe there was something fucking wrong and all of us missed the symptoms. you can't argue with him now and say "sal you made a bad decision." people can't be angry at him. he's not here, he's gone. i'm not mad at him, i'm so furious over the entire situation because we couldn't help him.
i just wish one of us could've done something. something at all. i wish we could've saved him from himself. i'm so broken inside every time i think about sal. there is such a void when i walk into work and i just want to see him there. i miss him, i miss his antics and his laughter, i miss the endless drunken nights at his house and parties til dawn. i miss everything so much.
i just went to the wake of joe's neighbor last week. he had a heart attack at 51 years old, leaving his wife and his two sons. i'm such a mess as i try to figure out all of this. i can't get my thoughts in order, because i just don't understand. i don't fucking understand anything.