(no subject)
I just desperately want things to be fine. There are a lot of reoccuring emotions flowing through me and as hard as I try, I can't get rid of them. At certain moments, I feel as if I'm at the lowest point. And I think it's such a shame since last month I felt like I was at the highest.
I want to feel confident.
I want to feel thin.
I want to be loved.
I want to be happy.
I hate feling like a doormat. I'm not a person to be walked over. Don't be curt, don't be rude. I am a friend. Not your dog. Not your significant other. Don't make others feel uncomfortable by your lack of respect. I am not going to drop everything in my life for you. I used to. For everyone. But after some issues and a few disappointments, I'm done being treated like shit. I'm the friend that answers the phone at 3am in the morning, the friend that'll bring you Tylenol, fast food or cigarettes when you need it. Don't abuse that privilege. I'm not your nurse, your maid or your chaffeur. I'm your friend. I do so much because I love you, so don't freaking take that for granted.
Also, I forget what it was like to be in love. Every single time I think about it, I become even more and more bitter over it. And the current situations don't choose to sit comfortably in my mind or heart. I'm over the immaturity, I'm over the stupid little games. I'm over the bullshit.
I'm bitter and cynical. And life doesn't feel right. I apologize for the complaints but I'm allowed to vent out my frustrations. I'm not happy with the way I look, I'm not happy with the way my life is going. And I know it has to change. I'm attempting to do so. I just feel like I'm at a deadspot.
I'm going to bed, good night.
PS. Thank you, Risa. (And Andrew, Rich and Rubin.)