(no subject)
sometimes I just really don't handle being alone well at all. And sometimes even when I am with my Friends I still feel alone...
anyway ....
Lately I have been feeling some more certainty about doubts and stuff ... at least it seems so. I was at the point where I was ready to detransition, and sometimes, I still want to. I often worry that I did all this for the wrong reasons. That I transitioned to avoid facing my life and its problems. And now that I am in a part of my life where I HAVE to face them, suddenly, being female isn't so important anymore.
I think that a lot of the reason that I don't detransition is because of how hard it would be for people, other people. friends and family.
but I think the other reason is because I'm afraid that I'll never be able to go back to being the kind of man I was or could have been, and that if I stop hormones, I couldn't come back to being the kind of woman I already am. In a physical sense, I mean...
that must seems so so shallow. it is, really. but I want to have a body that I can be happy with.
I am going to the doctor soon so I think I will talk to them about this. I want to know just what stopping hormones would do to me...
There have been a lot of signs lately that point to me already detransitioning in a way, or at least they seem like that. For example I have been using my "old" name again, what had been my "male" name. It is actually an androgynous name and so that's reasonable. but for a long time I hated that name and didn't even want to hear or write it. and now ....aside from detransitioning, I am thinking about changing my whole name back entirely. But that opens a whole other can of worms, because then people from my past would know who I am instantly. Do I want that really?
i have a friend, and they are 'genderqueer." In reality they are like me in a way. They transitioned, then about 2 years in, stopped hormones, and now, are in a sort of genderless state. Half the people I know, call them "he," the other half say "she," even some people go back and forth. And they seem happy with this. I don't know how someone can be.
The thing that I don't understand is that sometimes, being read as male makes me happy. And other times it makes me want to cry. I was playing an online game and using voice chat, and a guy said, "I am having trouble discerning whether I am talking to a man or a woman." And I got very upset and left the game. I sometimes wonder if I just want to detransition because I feel like I can't ever be the kind of woman that I want to be...... that's a certain possibility that has come up in my mind many times.
There's just so much, I don't know what is real and what isn't.... it's all so complicated.
add on top of that the trouble I have had getting over my ex, which I think has only made this gender confusion worse.... I won't get into details about that though.
I don't really know what else to say right now.....
anyway ....
Lately I have been feeling some more certainty about doubts and stuff ... at least it seems so. I was at the point where I was ready to detransition, and sometimes, I still want to. I often worry that I did all this for the wrong reasons. That I transitioned to avoid facing my life and its problems. And now that I am in a part of my life where I HAVE to face them, suddenly, being female isn't so important anymore.
I think that a lot of the reason that I don't detransition is because of how hard it would be for people, other people. friends and family.
but I think the other reason is because I'm afraid that I'll never be able to go back to being the kind of man I was or could have been, and that if I stop hormones, I couldn't come back to being the kind of woman I already am. In a physical sense, I mean...
that must seems so so shallow. it is, really. but I want to have a body that I can be happy with.
I am going to the doctor soon so I think I will talk to them about this. I want to know just what stopping hormones would do to me...
There have been a lot of signs lately that point to me already detransitioning in a way, or at least they seem like that. For example I have been using my "old" name again, what had been my "male" name. It is actually an androgynous name and so that's reasonable. but for a long time I hated that name and didn't even want to hear or write it. and now ....aside from detransitioning, I am thinking about changing my whole name back entirely. But that opens a whole other can of worms, because then people from my past would know who I am instantly. Do I want that really?
i have a friend, and they are 'genderqueer." In reality they are like me in a way. They transitioned, then about 2 years in, stopped hormones, and now, are in a sort of genderless state. Half the people I know, call them "he," the other half say "she," even some people go back and forth. And they seem happy with this. I don't know how someone can be.
The thing that I don't understand is that sometimes, being read as male makes me happy. And other times it makes me want to cry. I was playing an online game and using voice chat, and a guy said, "I am having trouble discerning whether I am talking to a man or a woman." And I got very upset and left the game. I sometimes wonder if I just want to detransition because I feel like I can't ever be the kind of woman that I want to be...... that's a certain possibility that has come up in my mind many times.
There's just so much, I don't know what is real and what isn't.... it's all so complicated.
add on top of that the trouble I have had getting over my ex, which I think has only made this gender confusion worse.... I won't get into details about that though.
I don't really know what else to say right now.....