(no subject)
this very strange thing happens to me when i start dating someone that i really like. like really really like.
i suddenly convince myself that someone in the world hates me with a vengeance and has paid or persuaded the person to act like they like me, until i let down my defenses, break down the walls and let them in. and then once i am in my most vulnerable position the curtain will be drawn back and a crowd of people will be pointing and laughing at me as i cry.
it's been a long time since i've been truly smitten with someone and i either forgot about this paranoia or thought maybe i have grown and changed and that was just a silly paranoia that comes with the low self esteem i had years ago.
but alas, for the first time in 3+ years it's happening.
it always happens when the person seems too good to be true, too much like they live in my head with me. when the connection goes beyond the few inches of surface and right down to the marrow and that knotty yarn mass i imagine as my soul. that's when i'm positive that i'll get crushed in a most brutal and creative way.
(remember eric "the canadian" anyone?)
so right now, it's happening.
i'm obsessively convinced there is a plot against me.
(remember purrbot when i thought you and theo were plotting to kill me?)
ludicrous right? and i know that... but i'm fucking scared and i want to jump off a cliff.
what if i really am crazy in the real crazy way?
i suddenly convince myself that someone in the world hates me with a vengeance and has paid or persuaded the person to act like they like me, until i let down my defenses, break down the walls and let them in. and then once i am in my most vulnerable position the curtain will be drawn back and a crowd of people will be pointing and laughing at me as i cry.
it's been a long time since i've been truly smitten with someone and i either forgot about this paranoia or thought maybe i have grown and changed and that was just a silly paranoia that comes with the low self esteem i had years ago.
but alas, for the first time in 3+ years it's happening.
it always happens when the person seems too good to be true, too much like they live in my head with me. when the connection goes beyond the few inches of surface and right down to the marrow and that knotty yarn mass i imagine as my soul. that's when i'm positive that i'll get crushed in a most brutal and creative way.
(remember eric "the canadian" anyone?)
so right now, it's happening.
i'm obsessively convinced there is a plot against me.
(remember purrbot when i thought you and theo were plotting to kill me?)
ludicrous right? and i know that... but i'm fucking scared and i want to jump off a cliff.
what if i really am crazy in the real crazy way?