survivor's guilt
The subject. It's hitting me really really fucking hard lately.
this is a really stupid comparison. Like I know how stupid it sounds. I do. But you know that one episode of Rick and Morty where Rick has that vr mask that showed you what you were doing in your "alternate universe" life? Summer puts on the mask and there aren't any other alternate timelines for her because her parents had her when they were teenagers, and she was aborted in all the other timelines. That's how I feel. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I am not suicidal, I promise. I just feel like in the alternative timelines of my life, I did not make it to 37 and a half. Chad wanted me to die. He wanted me to die so that he could have our child all to himself. He wanted me to die because he didn't want me to talk about the things he did to me. He just wanted me to die. Sometimes when we would argue, he would tell me that if I died, nobody would come looking for me. Because he knew that I was not on good terms with my family (mom and siblings). He told me how he would dispose of my body so that nobody would find me. He told me how he would cover his ass and make it look like I just ran away. One time he choked me so hard that I blacked out, and then I saw white and I thought I was going to die. The thought that I was just going to be another statistic makes me sick. I could have been one of those women on the true crime shows where they showed the last photo they had of me, which would have probably been my wedding photos. They'd interview my family and they'd lie about me. They'd talk about how the husband probably did it but they could never get enough proof and how nobody can find him now. Because that is what Chad would do, he'd try to claim that he was sick of being harassed while he was "grieving" for the loss of his wife and go into hiding. He would have gotten away with it. My family would latch onto whatever lies he told them. I mean, they already have showed me that they would do that. It's been proven.
I just feel alone. I feel like there is no point to my life. I get sweaty and shaky when I think about going back to work. I start having nightmares again. The "I'm late" dreams. It's getting harder and harder to leave the house. I try to go out once a day, even just to the grocery store, but it's hard. I just want to be wrapped in blankets all day.
I've made a doctor's appointment because I think there may be something wrong. I have been having pokey pains all over my body. They have gotten a lot worse in the last year. I feel dizzy all the time. And tired. And brain fog. I'll be talking and then halfway through the sentence I forget how to use words. I am terrified of doctors. I am afraid I won't be able to articulate everything that I need to say to the doctor when I'm at my appointment. I hope that they let me bring my partner to the appointment. He has known me for 8 years and he would be able to provide the doctor with an accurate timeline of my symptoms. I really can't. The last 20 years of my life feel like they've been put in a blender. I can't remember anything anymore. I can't put my own life in the correct order when I think about things.
I'm most worried that the doctor will say that the symptoms are "just nothing". The thing is, they all get worse when I try to go to work. So they're not so bad right now but I don't do anything. I have even stopped running and going for walks. I just can't muster the energy to even put on workout clothes. I don't want to have to make myself miserable just to get a doctor to notice the symptoms. But I'm afraid I might have to.
this is a really stupid comparison. Like I know how stupid it sounds. I do. But you know that one episode of Rick and Morty where Rick has that vr mask that showed you what you were doing in your "alternate universe" life? Summer puts on the mask and there aren't any other alternate timelines for her because her parents had her when they were teenagers, and she was aborted in all the other timelines. That's how I feel. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I am not suicidal, I promise. I just feel like in the alternative timelines of my life, I did not make it to 37 and a half. Chad wanted me to die. He wanted me to die so that he could have our child all to himself. He wanted me to die because he didn't want me to talk about the things he did to me. He just wanted me to die. Sometimes when we would argue, he would tell me that if I died, nobody would come looking for me. Because he knew that I was not on good terms with my family (mom and siblings). He told me how he would dispose of my body so that nobody would find me. He told me how he would cover his ass and make it look like I just ran away. One time he choked me so hard that I blacked out, and then I saw white and I thought I was going to die. The thought that I was just going to be another statistic makes me sick. I could have been one of those women on the true crime shows where they showed the last photo they had of me, which would have probably been my wedding photos. They'd interview my family and they'd lie about me. They'd talk about how the husband probably did it but they could never get enough proof and how nobody can find him now. Because that is what Chad would do, he'd try to claim that he was sick of being harassed while he was "grieving" for the loss of his wife and go into hiding. He would have gotten away with it. My family would latch onto whatever lies he told them. I mean, they already have showed me that they would do that. It's been proven.
I just feel alone. I feel like there is no point to my life. I get sweaty and shaky when I think about going back to work. I start having nightmares again. The "I'm late" dreams. It's getting harder and harder to leave the house. I try to go out once a day, even just to the grocery store, but it's hard. I just want to be wrapped in blankets all day.
I've made a doctor's appointment because I think there may be something wrong. I have been having pokey pains all over my body. They have gotten a lot worse in the last year. I feel dizzy all the time. And tired. And brain fog. I'll be talking and then halfway through the sentence I forget how to use words. I am terrified of doctors. I am afraid I won't be able to articulate everything that I need to say to the doctor when I'm at my appointment. I hope that they let me bring my partner to the appointment. He has known me for 8 years and he would be able to provide the doctor with an accurate timeline of my symptoms. I really can't. The last 20 years of my life feel like they've been put in a blender. I can't remember anything anymore. I can't put my own life in the correct order when I think about things.
I'm most worried that the doctor will say that the symptoms are "just nothing". The thing is, they all get worse when I try to go to work. So they're not so bad right now but I don't do anything. I have even stopped running and going for walks. I just can't muster the energy to even put on workout clothes. I don't want to have to make myself miserable just to get a doctor to notice the symptoms. But I'm afraid I might have to.