Scene: Right Right Now
Cowritten with obiwanmarvel.
Tuesday evening found Ben at Stark Tower, in Ginny's rooms, at his request; he wanted somewhere private and he wanted her to feel comfortable. As comfortable as she could. Maybe comfortable wasn't the right word anyway.
"Lindy and I kissed." Ben didn
GINNY
Who kissed who?
Ben blinked; he just assumed it was his fault and it didn't matter because he let it happen. "Lindy kissed me."
Ginny nodded. She expected that answer. She kept her expression and tine calm, almost detached. "How do you feel about it? And... her?"
"Confused."
Ginny sighed and lowered her eyes. "I'm confused, too."
Ben echoed her sigh. He didn't know what to say.
Ginny looked up, meeting his eyes for the first time since he'd arrived. Since he'd left the party the night before. "What did you tell Lindy?" She was no longer so detached; the tears she was holding back were evident in her voice.
Ben explained everything that had happened as best he could. Ginny listened intently; it calmed her. When he'd told the whole story she say quietly thinking for a while and finally asked, "If Lindy got together with someone else would you feel relieved or disappointed?"
Ben thinks about his answer just as long. He felt unsure, was clearly thrown by the question. He took a breath. "Relieved."
Ginny, almost instantly, started sobbing. And Ben, just as instantly, freaked out. That seemed like a better answer!
"I'm not upset at you, I'm upset at myself!" Ginny explained through her tears.
Ben frowned. "Why?"
Ginny shook. "Because I want to be mad at you and I can't! Because you didn't do anything really and not anything I didn't want to do and you're so sorry and I should be but I'm not really, I'm just mad but I can't be mad because you're such a good person!!" Tears streamed down her face.
Ben couldn't bear it. "Is it okay if I hug you?"
Ginny cried harder but nodded. Or at least made a movement something like nodding. Ben hugged her tightly and Ginny stopped shaking, but only just; the tears continued to flow freely.
"I'm sorry." She spoke it as a mantra. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," said Ben into her hair, but Ginny pulled back.
"I don't think it's okay!"
Her eyes were wild; Ben kept his own calm. "It's okay enough."
"Why?"
"Because I'm mad at myself enough for both of us."
"But why aren't you mad at me?" She frowned, honestly annoyed about it.
Ben shook his head. He'd missed the whole 'you didn't do anything I didn't think of doing' thing. "Why should I be mad at you?"
"Because I wouldn't be relieved if Trick started seeing someone! I'd be jealous!"
Ben wanted to point out that jealous wasn't one of the options she had given him but instead he sat beside her on the bed. "I think we should spend some time not dating." He continued quickly before she can interrupt. "I want to be a jerk and say it's just so you can date Trick, but the truth is we both clearly have unresolved issues that need resolving. One way or the other." Ginny shook again with inarticulate sobs. "And I can't imagine ever loving anyone as much as I love you, but I don't want there to be a cloud ...or two.... over our relationship."
"I've loved you forever! I don't know what's wrong with me! I wish I could fix it... I'm so sorry..."
"There's nothing wrong with you." He took her hand in reassurance and launched into a patented Parker technical spiel. "It's one of those things that has to be the right people at the right moment, like a chemical reaction. The environment also has to be right. So maybe it's not right right now."
Ginny sniffed. "But it could be right again sometime?"
"Exactly."
"And you don't hate me for wanting something else?"
Ben shook his head but Ginny turned away.
"I do."
Ben took a breath. "Do you hate me for wanting something else?"
"No!" She turned back. "I can't hate you."
"Exactly," Ben said again. Ginny watched him a long moment.
"...Okay." She hugged him and he hugged her back and they were still another long moment. Neither wanted to let go because then it would all be real. But nothing lasts forever. They pulled apart and it quickly became awkward. Ginny lowered her eyes.
"I want to be alone, please."
Ben nodded, stood, and with one last touch to her shoulder, made his way out of the room.
Tuesday evening found Ben at Stark Tower, in Ginny's rooms, at his request; he wanted somewhere private and he wanted her to feel comfortable. As comfortable as she could. Maybe comfortable wasn't the right word anyway.
"Lindy and I kissed." Ben didn
GINNY
Who kissed who?
Ben blinked; he just assumed it was his fault and it didn't matter because he let it happen. "Lindy kissed me."
Ginny nodded. She expected that answer. She kept her expression and tine calm, almost detached. "How do you feel about it? And... her?"
"Confused."
Ginny sighed and lowered her eyes. "I'm confused, too."
Ben echoed her sigh. He didn't know what to say.
Ginny looked up, meeting his eyes for the first time since he'd arrived. Since he'd left the party the night before. "What did you tell Lindy?" She was no longer so detached; the tears she was holding back were evident in her voice.
Ben explained everything that had happened as best he could. Ginny listened intently; it calmed her. When he'd told the whole story she say quietly thinking for a while and finally asked, "If Lindy got together with someone else would you feel relieved or disappointed?"
Ben thinks about his answer just as long. He felt unsure, was clearly thrown by the question. He took a breath. "Relieved."
Ginny, almost instantly, started sobbing. And Ben, just as instantly, freaked out. That seemed like a better answer!
"I'm not upset at you, I'm upset at myself!" Ginny explained through her tears.
Ben frowned. "Why?"
Ginny shook. "Because I want to be mad at you and I can't! Because you didn't do anything really and not anything I didn't want to do and you're so sorry and I should be but I'm not really, I'm just mad but I can't be mad because you're such a good person!!" Tears streamed down her face.
Ben couldn't bear it. "Is it okay if I hug you?"
Ginny cried harder but nodded. Or at least made a movement something like nodding. Ben hugged her tightly and Ginny stopped shaking, but only just; the tears continued to flow freely.
"I'm sorry." She spoke it as a mantra. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," said Ben into her hair, but Ginny pulled back.
"I don't think it's okay!"
Her eyes were wild; Ben kept his own calm. "It's okay enough."
"Why?"
"Because I'm mad at myself enough for both of us."
"But why aren't you mad at me?" She frowned, honestly annoyed about it.
Ben shook his head. He'd missed the whole 'you didn't do anything I didn't think of doing' thing. "Why should I be mad at you?"
"Because I wouldn't be relieved if Trick started seeing someone! I'd be jealous!"
Ben wanted to point out that jealous wasn't one of the options she had given him but instead he sat beside her on the bed. "I think we should spend some time not dating." He continued quickly before she can interrupt. "I want to be a jerk and say it's just so you can date Trick, but the truth is we both clearly have unresolved issues that need resolving. One way or the other." Ginny shook again with inarticulate sobs. "And I can't imagine ever loving anyone as much as I love you, but I don't want there to be a cloud ...or two.... over our relationship."
"I've loved you forever! I don't know what's wrong with me! I wish I could fix it... I'm so sorry..."
"There's nothing wrong with you." He took her hand in reassurance and launched into a patented Parker technical spiel. "It's one of those things that has to be the right people at the right moment, like a chemical reaction. The environment also has to be right. So maybe it's not right right now."
Ginny sniffed. "But it could be right again sometime?"
"Exactly."
"And you don't hate me for wanting something else?"
Ben shook his head but Ginny turned away.
"I do."
Ben took a breath. "Do you hate me for wanting something else?"
"No!" She turned back. "I can't hate you."
"Exactly," Ben said again. Ginny watched him a long moment.
"...Okay." She hugged him and he hugged her back and they were still another long moment. Neither wanted to let go because then it would all be real. But nothing lasts forever. They pulled apart and it quickly became awkward. Ginny lowered her eyes.
"I want to be alone, please."
Ben nodded, stood, and with one last touch to her shoulder, made his way out of the room.