Still Breathing
Based from a song I am listening to.
It still feels like yesterday when he walked out of my life. The pain is still sharp as ever running through my veins.
Frozen in this time warp I barely notice anything around me. I move and continue life as everyone says but mentally I am still standing there alone in the room reminding myself to breathe.
It is a constant wonder to me how anyone can simply move on from something that was such an important part of your life up until that moment when they left. Everything reminds me of him. There are certain smells, different shades of the color blue, music, books, everything.
Some days are easier than most because I just focus on my work and ignore everything else around me. It’s the days where I have nothing else to do that leave me to wander around noticing the reminders. It’s those days that I set my reminder to breathe.
I try to sleep on those days because if I can get away from the reminders I can be free to my own devices. I am safe and warm in my bed. My dreams take me to happier times and my blankets are no longer a warm cover but they are his arms wrapped around me. I awake to the sad reality before me and I try to be in my blur state of mind yet again.
It’s been so long now that I am used to ignoring everything around me. I’ve managed to venture out on my own and create new memories for myself. Reminding myself that I am not dead but alive and I should live. I’ve read books I’ve never had time to read. I’ve seen all the films I have ever wanted to see and discovering new films I didn’t know I wanted to see.
My best moments are when I go off on my walks. I like to take them in the early morning before all the shops have opened for the day. The sun shinning down across the street and touches my skin brings a smile to my face. I like the warmth it makes me happy in the cold mornings.
One morning as I was enjoying my beautiful rays of sunlight and I suddenly forget to breathe. There he is before me just across the street. All the pain I have managed to ignore rushes through me once more. I am back to that cold empty room where he left me.
I close my eyes and realize that all I can do is just keep breathing. It’s time to cross the street and I look straight ahead and focus on each breath I take. Each step feels like an eternity. He gets closer and closer to me; I continue to focus on passing him by. If I look at him my pain will take over once more and I can’t have that. I like feeling alive too much to let it go.
We are right next to each other now. I hold my breath just so I can get past him. I pray he doesn’t notice me but alas at the last moment he glances over to my direction as we pass. I just keep walking and hold my breath until I reach the sidewalk. When I think I am in the clear I let out all the air and breath in. It was fresh air at first but then the next intake was a fresh scent of his cologne. It was the same one I bought for him one year. I feel him behind me now.
He speaks my name and the sound is like heavens angels singing. I feel calm for a moment and I turn to face him once more. His eyes are so familiar to me. In fact, his whole face is familiar to me. Not because it is him but it is a look that I have grown familiar with over the time of our departure from one another. I had the same look for months.
There are no words to be spoken because it is just understood. We embrace ourselves in each other’s arms. A whisper from him makes me giggle. The words he whispered were “Keep breathing.” Then everything felt right again there in my rays of sunlight.
Just something that popped into my head when I was listening to the song Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson.
It still feels like yesterday when he walked out of my life. The pain is still sharp as ever running through my veins.
Frozen in this time warp I barely notice anything around me. I move and continue life as everyone says but mentally I am still standing there alone in the room reminding myself to breathe.
It is a constant wonder to me how anyone can simply move on from something that was such an important part of your life up until that moment when they left. Everything reminds me of him. There are certain smells, different shades of the color blue, music, books, everything.
Some days are easier than most because I just focus on my work and ignore everything else around me. It’s the days where I have nothing else to do that leave me to wander around noticing the reminders. It’s those days that I set my reminder to breathe.
I try to sleep on those days because if I can get away from the reminders I can be free to my own devices. I am safe and warm in my bed. My dreams take me to happier times and my blankets are no longer a warm cover but they are his arms wrapped around me. I awake to the sad reality before me and I try to be in my blur state of mind yet again.
It’s been so long now that I am used to ignoring everything around me. I’ve managed to venture out on my own and create new memories for myself. Reminding myself that I am not dead but alive and I should live. I’ve read books I’ve never had time to read. I’ve seen all the films I have ever wanted to see and discovering new films I didn’t know I wanted to see.
My best moments are when I go off on my walks. I like to take them in the early morning before all the shops have opened for the day. The sun shinning down across the street and touches my skin brings a smile to my face. I like the warmth it makes me happy in the cold mornings.
One morning as I was enjoying my beautiful rays of sunlight and I suddenly forget to breathe. There he is before me just across the street. All the pain I have managed to ignore rushes through me once more. I am back to that cold empty room where he left me.
I close my eyes and realize that all I can do is just keep breathing. It’s time to cross the street and I look straight ahead and focus on each breath I take. Each step feels like an eternity. He gets closer and closer to me; I continue to focus on passing him by. If I look at him my pain will take over once more and I can’t have that. I like feeling alive too much to let it go.
We are right next to each other now. I hold my breath just so I can get past him. I pray he doesn’t notice me but alas at the last moment he glances over to my direction as we pass. I just keep walking and hold my breath until I reach the sidewalk. When I think I am in the clear I let out all the air and breath in. It was fresh air at first but then the next intake was a fresh scent of his cologne. It was the same one I bought for him one year. I feel him behind me now.
He speaks my name and the sound is like heavens angels singing. I feel calm for a moment and I turn to face him once more. His eyes are so familiar to me. In fact, his whole face is familiar to me. Not because it is him but it is a look that I have grown familiar with over the time of our departure from one another. I had the same look for months.
There are no words to be spoken because it is just understood. We embrace ourselves in each other’s arms. A whisper from him makes me giggle. The words he whispered were “Keep breathing.” Then everything felt right again there in my rays of sunlight.
Just something that popped into my head when I was listening to the song Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson.