(no subject)
so we're moved in. it was pretty stressful, not gonna lie. i'm still feeling it since all the boxes aren't unpacked and out of the way. i wonder if it's a lot worse moving into a house.. or if this is worse because there is NO WHERE to put the boxes as you unpack. they're always just in the middle of everything. anyway, i've been a real bitch this whole time because i've been so stressed... so kudos to tyler for putting up with it 'cause i feel pretty bad about it. it's weird how it's so hard to control your moods. i've pretty suddently turned into a neat freak, my patience has dropped considerably, and i've completely re-vamped our diet so that it's about half salad based. that's a lot to deal with! as we've made this little apartment our own, it's made me think back a lot to when i thought i was being grown up before... times in high school or college when really i was just acting. i have changed so much since then... i almost don't recognize that former person. i let myself get walked on by people including my friends, i didn't stand up for myself, i didn't know myself entirely, and most frightening- i had absolutely no self-esteem, confidence, or even courage. it's really kind of amazing that i've been able to hold it all together and graduate, figure everything out, and deal with the last couple of incredibly emotionally taxing years.... all still be a happy, whole, and successful person. it's cool how stuff works out.
i had such an episode a couple of months ago at a party in tyler's mod. it was so telling of my ongoing struggle with understanding my anxiety... my anxiety around people that i feel judged by and also situations where i feel i am being judged or where i don't "fit." there were a million people there... and i could just feel the anxiety creeping up. tyler left me for a while to help one of his friends, and i started to feel like the people were closing in... that i wasn't part of the crowd. i couldn't breathe, i couldn't swallow, i felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking "why is she here?" i hid at the top of the stairs... wishing i could get into tyler's locked room. i started to cry... for no reason other than i felt panicked and then embarrassed. tyler's friend chris bumped into me up there, and i don't think i've ever been more mortified in my entire life. "what's wrong? you ok?" he asked, and what the hell was i supposed to say? "oh yeah... fine. just crying like a baby... oh no reason. no worries. go dance!" anyway, i'll never forget what he said to me. this isn't word for word... but it was something like "sometimes you just need to have fun because it doesn't matter. i used to be just like you. but i don't know anyone here... so i'm just gonna have fun." it was simple and obvious... and so true. who the fuck cares?! why do i validate my irrational behavior by trying to make other people believe that it's a fact to be accepted about myself rather than something that needs fixing? it's not like i ENJOY being an awkward, crying, panic stricken party goer. i want to have fun and let loose and dance just like everyone else!! but some people and some places make me crazy... and until i figure out how to adjust something inside myself so that it doesn't affect me so intensely, i need to either avoid those people or situations or do them in small doses to try and regulate my reactions. people who force me into a box- who "know" me and want to make me stay a certain way when i wasn't happy that way to begin with... i can't do that. i am not the same... no one should stay the same... and i need to evolve and be comfortable with myself and find things that make me happy. follow or let me go. and the same goes for parties, etc. can't do it every day, BUT i can do it occassionally and just try to stay in the moment and not let my mind get ahead of me.
so moral of that very long story- living in the moment is good. don't let your over-active mind get the best of you.
i had such an episode a couple of months ago at a party in tyler's mod. it was so telling of my ongoing struggle with understanding my anxiety... my anxiety around people that i feel judged by and also situations where i feel i am being judged or where i don't "fit." there were a million people there... and i could just feel the anxiety creeping up. tyler left me for a while to help one of his friends, and i started to feel like the people were closing in... that i wasn't part of the crowd. i couldn't breathe, i couldn't swallow, i felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking "why is she here?" i hid at the top of the stairs... wishing i could get into tyler's locked room. i started to cry... for no reason other than i felt panicked and then embarrassed. tyler's friend chris bumped into me up there, and i don't think i've ever been more mortified in my entire life. "what's wrong? you ok?" he asked, and what the hell was i supposed to say? "oh yeah... fine. just crying like a baby... oh no reason. no worries. go dance!" anyway, i'll never forget what he said to me. this isn't word for word... but it was something like "sometimes you just need to have fun because it doesn't matter. i used to be just like you. but i don't know anyone here... so i'm just gonna have fun." it was simple and obvious... and so true. who the fuck cares?! why do i validate my irrational behavior by trying to make other people believe that it's a fact to be accepted about myself rather than something that needs fixing? it's not like i ENJOY being an awkward, crying, panic stricken party goer. i want to have fun and let loose and dance just like everyone else!! but some people and some places make me crazy... and until i figure out how to adjust something inside myself so that it doesn't affect me so intensely, i need to either avoid those people or situations or do them in small doses to try and regulate my reactions. people who force me into a box- who "know" me and want to make me stay a certain way when i wasn't happy that way to begin with... i can't do that. i am not the same... no one should stay the same... and i need to evolve and be comfortable with myself and find things that make me happy. follow or let me go. and the same goes for parties, etc. can't do it every day, BUT i can do it occassionally and just try to stay in the moment and not let my mind get ahead of me.
so moral of that very long story- living in the moment is good. don't let your over-active mind get the best of you.