The meme returns!
The 30-Day (but not 30 days in a row) Meme is back! I'm still trying to use it as a way to keep posting to my journal. :-) Unfortunately, this entry is not a cheerful one. Apologies to those who have newly friended me (I'm thinking about you, superduckie). I did say I was using this meme as a way for newcomers to get to know me!
Day 05: A time you have thought about ending your life
Well, let's first get something out of the way. I have never actually considered ending my life. So we can all be prepared to go down a depressing road, but not go that far. Still, as tough as it is to think about, there was a time not so long ago in my life that I legitimately thought I was not going to be able to go on.
In June of 2008, I came back from the biggest rollercoaster ride of my life, my 6 months living in Italy. That was the program where I met Noah and it was not many months after coming home that we decided to acknowledge our feelings for each other, which was probably both the happiest and scariest moment of my life. When I went to Italy, I was sorting through the possibility that things might not work out with the man I had dated for almost two years before that point, and my trip made me realize we had grown apart too much and that I needed to move on. The breakup did not go well. We had thought that we were going to be together forever, and even though I was on the threshold of an amazing life and could see myself going in that direction, both Alex and I were crushed by the breakup. I was racked with unbelievable guilt, and Alex was caught up in a sense of overwhelming desperation. We both did things we regretted. I don't want to speak much of it, because it is in the past--we are still friends, and almost all of my friends are still friends with him, and while he did things in those next months that were literally detrimental to my physical well-being, I have already made peace with the bad things that both of us did. I only mention it so that those who have not known me for long will get a picture of the emotional place I was in.
At the same time as this was going on, many of my friends completely turned against me. One girl I knew, who had been seriously emotionally abusive to me for several years, continued to be so. Several other friends, in a misguided attempt to be supportive toward Alex and out of understandable anger on his behalf, began to treat me in a way that was not acceptable. I became depressed and did not know how to be there for other friends anymore, and I watched many of my friendships crumble around me. I couldn't keep up with my schoolwork. I lost track of how to take care of myself, and was constantly in a state of minor illness or injury. I didn't even know how to talk to anyone about what was going on. I think I just got used to it.
Then finals week rolled around. Right before the week started, one of the friends who had turned against me sent me an abrupt email demanding that we talk. I had a lot going on and didn't think I could deal with the emotional stress, so I responded by saying that I wasn't sure I could handle it right now, but that maybe we could find a time later when we were both feeling more level and do it. She took that the wrong way and began hurling vitriolic emails at me. I tried to salvage the situation, but to no avail. Finally, I was at my breaking point. Desperate, I emailed her and told her that I was feeling dangerous to myself and that she needed to stop immediately.
She did not stop.
I don't really remember the week after that, honestly. I was still mired in guilt and mourning from my failed relationship. I was completely disconnected from all of my friends because I didn't know how to interact with anyone anymore. I'd hardly done any schoolwork all semester, and now final projects and exams were upon me and I had to salvage my grades in all my classes. On top of all that, my former friend's words were the tipping point--the incident shattered me completely. It was like I spent the whole week in a state of shock--I only ate a couple times and didn't really sleep at all, just because I didn't remember to. I don't remember what I did all night instead of sleep, I think I just sat there. I'd been struggling all semester with crippling panic attacks, the kind where you can't breathe and you don't recognize the people around you and you're curled up in a ball on the floor, rigid and shaking, and that week those increased to almost every day. I started hallucinating people pounding on the door, coming after me. I have a brief recollection of one night hiding in the shower late at night, afraid to come out because I thought something was out there about to hurt me. There was also some kind of recurring hallucination, which thankfully is no longer with me, to the point that I don't remember it. That week was the only time in my life where I thought, I can't go on. I can't fight anymore. I can't do this for another second. I felt as though everything about me was completely worthless.
At that point, I could not imagine a time when that depression would not be with me. But now, almost 3 years later, the feeling of having a panic attack seems like a relic from the distant past--it's been a long time since I've had one. I got through that week, with the help of my friends and family. I think it took that event for some of the friends I had drifted away from to realize that I was in a serious situation, and that I needed help. They came together and each took some of my pain onto themselves, and I healed because of it. All semester, Noah was my mooring--while this was going on we were steadily trying to build our relationship, and we realized that year how much we loved each other. I have a beautiful life now, and I have learned how to stand up for myself, how to be a better person, how to turn my life into the most wonderful possible. I'm learning what I can control and what I can't. I moved on from that time and found that life on the other side was better than I expected. I never thought I would be free from that depression, but now I am. I am. And I have the whole world, and so many amazing people in it, to thank for that. There are still friends who probably haven't forgiven me for that semester, but more people understand. Alex and I still struggle every now and then with pain, but we know our boundaries now. As for the girl whose vicious words sent me into the final tailspin, I haven't spoken to her since that night. From impressions I get from people who still interact with her, she still has no conception of what she did to me, and feels no remorse for her words or actions. I apologized that week for any hurt I caused her, but she neither accepted my apology, nor did she offer any evidence that she recognized her part in any of this. And that's okay, really. I expect nothing from her, and I will be okay if I never see her face or utter a single word to her for the rest of my days. For a long time I wanted her to feel a sense of responsibility for the damage she caused, but I have long since released her of that responsibility. That week will always be with me-I cried while writing this whole entry-but I am here now, and better, and strong.
What a long entry! It was good to get that stuff out. I hadn't really talked about it before.
On a happier note, today was good! I've been very productive, and I took a break by eating homemade oatmeal raisin bars made by my mom, painting my toenails a glittery hot pink, and watching Battlestar Galactica. Now I'll be getting more things done, and taking a tea (or hot cocoa) break at the end of it. Good good things.
Day 05: A time you have thought about ending your life
Well, let's first get something out of the way. I have never actually considered ending my life. So we can all be prepared to go down a depressing road, but not go that far. Still, as tough as it is to think about, there was a time not so long ago in my life that I legitimately thought I was not going to be able to go on.
In June of 2008, I came back from the biggest rollercoaster ride of my life, my 6 months living in Italy. That was the program where I met Noah and it was not many months after coming home that we decided to acknowledge our feelings for each other, which was probably both the happiest and scariest moment of my life. When I went to Italy, I was sorting through the possibility that things might not work out with the man I had dated for almost two years before that point, and my trip made me realize we had grown apart too much and that I needed to move on. The breakup did not go well. We had thought that we were going to be together forever, and even though I was on the threshold of an amazing life and could see myself going in that direction, both Alex and I were crushed by the breakup. I was racked with unbelievable guilt, and Alex was caught up in a sense of overwhelming desperation. We both did things we regretted. I don't want to speak much of it, because it is in the past--we are still friends, and almost all of my friends are still friends with him, and while he did things in those next months that were literally detrimental to my physical well-being, I have already made peace with the bad things that both of us did. I only mention it so that those who have not known me for long will get a picture of the emotional place I was in.
At the same time as this was going on, many of my friends completely turned against me. One girl I knew, who had been seriously emotionally abusive to me for several years, continued to be so. Several other friends, in a misguided attempt to be supportive toward Alex and out of understandable anger on his behalf, began to treat me in a way that was not acceptable. I became depressed and did not know how to be there for other friends anymore, and I watched many of my friendships crumble around me. I couldn't keep up with my schoolwork. I lost track of how to take care of myself, and was constantly in a state of minor illness or injury. I didn't even know how to talk to anyone about what was going on. I think I just got used to it.
Then finals week rolled around. Right before the week started, one of the friends who had turned against me sent me an abrupt email demanding that we talk. I had a lot going on and didn't think I could deal with the emotional stress, so I responded by saying that I wasn't sure I could handle it right now, but that maybe we could find a time later when we were both feeling more level and do it. She took that the wrong way and began hurling vitriolic emails at me. I tried to salvage the situation, but to no avail. Finally, I was at my breaking point. Desperate, I emailed her and told her that I was feeling dangerous to myself and that she needed to stop immediately.
She did not stop.
I don't really remember the week after that, honestly. I was still mired in guilt and mourning from my failed relationship. I was completely disconnected from all of my friends because I didn't know how to interact with anyone anymore. I'd hardly done any schoolwork all semester, and now final projects and exams were upon me and I had to salvage my grades in all my classes. On top of all that, my former friend's words were the tipping point--the incident shattered me completely. It was like I spent the whole week in a state of shock--I only ate a couple times and didn't really sleep at all, just because I didn't remember to. I don't remember what I did all night instead of sleep, I think I just sat there. I'd been struggling all semester with crippling panic attacks, the kind where you can't breathe and you don't recognize the people around you and you're curled up in a ball on the floor, rigid and shaking, and that week those increased to almost every day. I started hallucinating people pounding on the door, coming after me. I have a brief recollection of one night hiding in the shower late at night, afraid to come out because I thought something was out there about to hurt me. There was also some kind of recurring hallucination, which thankfully is no longer with me, to the point that I don't remember it. That week was the only time in my life where I thought, I can't go on. I can't fight anymore. I can't do this for another second. I felt as though everything about me was completely worthless.
At that point, I could not imagine a time when that depression would not be with me. But now, almost 3 years later, the feeling of having a panic attack seems like a relic from the distant past--it's been a long time since I've had one. I got through that week, with the help of my friends and family. I think it took that event for some of the friends I had drifted away from to realize that I was in a serious situation, and that I needed help. They came together and each took some of my pain onto themselves, and I healed because of it. All semester, Noah was my mooring--while this was going on we were steadily trying to build our relationship, and we realized that year how much we loved each other. I have a beautiful life now, and I have learned how to stand up for myself, how to be a better person, how to turn my life into the most wonderful possible. I'm learning what I can control and what I can't. I moved on from that time and found that life on the other side was better than I expected. I never thought I would be free from that depression, but now I am. I am. And I have the whole world, and so many amazing people in it, to thank for that. There are still friends who probably haven't forgiven me for that semester, but more people understand. Alex and I still struggle every now and then with pain, but we know our boundaries now. As for the girl whose vicious words sent me into the final tailspin, I haven't spoken to her since that night. From impressions I get from people who still interact with her, she still has no conception of what she did to me, and feels no remorse for her words or actions. I apologized that week for any hurt I caused her, but she neither accepted my apology, nor did she offer any evidence that she recognized her part in any of this. And that's okay, really. I expect nothing from her, and I will be okay if I never see her face or utter a single word to her for the rest of my days. For a long time I wanted her to feel a sense of responsibility for the damage she caused, but I have long since released her of that responsibility. That week will always be with me-I cried while writing this whole entry-but I am here now, and better, and strong.
What a long entry! It was good to get that stuff out. I hadn't really talked about it before.
On a happier note, today was good! I've been very productive, and I took a break by eating homemade oatmeal raisin bars made by my mom, painting my toenails a glittery hot pink, and watching Battlestar Galactica. Now I'll be getting more things done, and taking a tea (or hot cocoa) break at the end of it. Good good things.