stress.
there is no hell like grad school. no hell at all like it. certainly there are other hells. but i find this one to be particularly unique and damning in it's mastery of mind control, deprivations of all sorts, and the sheer veil of unrest, both physical and mental. there is no way to describe it to those who are not there. you can say "this is really, really hard." but it's not sufficient. there's no way to express it. funny that one can get a degree that costs $150,000 and that one can be extensively trained in reading, writing, and theory, and yet one can still not adequetly express one's own position. i suppose that is part of the philosopher's curse/challenge.
here i am at six am, after a few hours of sleep, watchinig the goo goo dolls sing with elmo and try to write several papers and a get reading done, knowing full well that i am not going to finish everything and that i have to skip the paper i ended up getting the an extra week on. i'm fucking useless. i can't even stand it.
i need to be more dirrected next weekend. i said that for the past two weekends, but i can't f-around anymore. i need to find ways to allievate this tension.
yesterday i went home to visit mother and pick up a check from her. it was unexpressably nice and comforting and enjoyable. i am going to visit again soon. i am going to see my grandmother next time. my fantastic and wonderful grandmother.
i hate to be borrowing rent money from my mother. i rarely have had situations in my life such as these, where i have been unable to make enough money to support myself. i should have lived on campus for grad school. it would have sucked. and perhaps that's an entirely unreasonable idea, but, it would have been nice not to *have* to work or worry about finances.
on top of everything else.
next weekend my mother and i planned for her to bring my gorgeous antique bench to my apartment. there's no room for it but who cares. i brought home countless ceramic pieces yesterday, almost all rescued from her husband's big house-cleaning. funny and neat stuff. i hope that someday i have a nice big apartment where i can put all of it.
in the past two days a and tressie and nick have all contacted me. i have buisness with all of them. this is stressful. i don't really have time/engery to sort it all out. life is ever so exhausting.
i should get back to work.
grad school is hell.
here i am at six am, after a few hours of sleep, watchinig the goo goo dolls sing with elmo and try to write several papers and a get reading done, knowing full well that i am not going to finish everything and that i have to skip the paper i ended up getting the an extra week on. i'm fucking useless. i can't even stand it.
i need to be more dirrected next weekend. i said that for the past two weekends, but i can't f-around anymore. i need to find ways to allievate this tension.
yesterday i went home to visit mother and pick up a check from her. it was unexpressably nice and comforting and enjoyable. i am going to visit again soon. i am going to see my grandmother next time. my fantastic and wonderful grandmother.
i hate to be borrowing rent money from my mother. i rarely have had situations in my life such as these, where i have been unable to make enough money to support myself. i should have lived on campus for grad school. it would have sucked. and perhaps that's an entirely unreasonable idea, but, it would have been nice not to *have* to work or worry about finances.
on top of everything else.
next weekend my mother and i planned for her to bring my gorgeous antique bench to my apartment. there's no room for it but who cares. i brought home countless ceramic pieces yesterday, almost all rescued from her husband's big house-cleaning. funny and neat stuff. i hope that someday i have a nice big apartment where i can put all of it.
in the past two days a and tressie and nick have all contacted me. i have buisness with all of them. this is stressful. i don't really have time/engery to sort it all out. life is ever so exhausting.
i should get back to work.
grad school is hell.