Reality's Betrayal
Monotonous. The lies of a false deity, telling me I'll never love like that again. The way I loved a true God, having been ripped from the very fibers of my spinal chord. How empty & powerless I felt. No matter how pure my tears were, there was no God that showed up, and saved me...from that. No scripture consoled me, no matter how many I read. No matter how, or what, I ate, there was no fulfillment. Just emptiness and hunger, draining my power to feel anything, ever again. "Damaged.", he said I was. I would never feel the passion of worship, or dwell in his power again. Deep wounds, from places most did not know existed, bled for a life worth living. Sleeping, day in, day out, for 5 years. No strength. No ability to divinate new conscious thought. No life in my bones. A living death, unrequieted. He suffered no retaliation from this God, that was supposedly so good. I watched, in profound shock & devastation, as the WHOLE church and congregation played STRAIGHT into his hands. They judged, that somehow, I had "let him in"? No, that was violent and brutal. There was no "letting" about it. He knew how to do that. It was his career to know how to do that. That is all.
So many surface judgments and assumptions floated in and out, that I shouldn't have to explain away, or battle. Did they believe in a God that knew my heart, or not? They never taught me anything. They never asked me a single question. They never bothered finding out how God processed this world for me. They never took the time to get to know me. They just accepted what he had to show them, and gave him everything. Puritanical loftiness invaded my church, accusing me of adultery, never considering the fact that I already knew that separation from God, even in marriage, is also considered adultery. They looked pretty stupid running around, acting like they knew everything, and assuming I hadn't figured anything out in the lifetime I had spent attending and worshiping with my whole heart & all of my strength, you know, like the first commandment says to? Yeah, they really needed to try that.
"You have to not want him.", they would say. Yeah, well, that wasn't really the issue, was it? I said nothing. It was GLARINGLY obvious to me, that they were fooled & FOOLED EASILY at that. What, after that, could possibly make them think that I DO want him? No matter what he showed them, how could they believe him, AND claim to believe God as well? Not wanting him did NOT mean that I suddenly wanted them back. It was not my job to liberate their minds. If I could lose, what was supposedly such a strong and godly edification, so easily, did I really want it? I let them go on blindly believing the bullshit. The foolishness was staggering, their blindness was astounding, and his abuse was profoundly wounding. How obvious it was, that they stopped believing, SO long ago, and here I was JUST figuring that out. There was NO kind of love, that was going to make this okay, anytime soon.
More to come later.