the void, part 1 - this ain't the nexus, bitch
Black holes scare the utter living shit out of me. The mere thought that something exists in this universe that can draw in any damn thing it wants and totally wipe it from existence is horrifying at best, nightmarishly nauseating at worst. It's like a kid drinking a milkshake through a straw, and we are the milkshake, and there's nothing we can do to stop ourselves from being sucked into some whiny little bastard's stomach.
Stargate, of course, did nothing to relieve this fear, and in fact, only made it ten times worse. Because now, not only can black holes fuck your shit up, they can fuck time's shit up. Good God, what? Being The Decider of Matter, Energy and Light wasn't enough for these fuckers, so now they've gotta branch out into time as well? Shit, that's it, guys. Love is over. Everybody go home.
Luckily for me and anyone else suffering from trypoblackaphobia, we have The Void, which I am almost certain is a stealth lesson, an educational video on black hole survival, if you will. In these 90 exciting and pulse-pounding minutes, you too will learn just what it takes to look nature's garbage disposal in the face and say, "Fuck you, sir! I renounce your bullshit and I'm outta here!"
Of course, I think you can only get to this point by letting go of absolutely everything you know to be true about science and fine-tuning the mechanics of your life so that hand-waves actually work in practice. And you also have to walk around your house without pants as much as humanly possible. Look, do you want to be able to survive black holes or not? Take 'em off, g.
Before we go anywhere, I think we have to take a moment to appreciate this DVD menu. I don't know about you, but there's a lot going on here that peaks my interest. Take, for instance, the gratuitous use of filters all over the screen. Motion blurs here, computer-looking things there, and the silhouette of a security camera, perched high above it all, as if to say, "Don't think I don't know why you're here. You're here because you want to see Amanda Tapping naked, but tough luck, kid, because that breast you're going to see later is 100% not hers."
Lionsgate, apparently so enamored with this production that they could spit, has their logo plastered near the top. The menu itself is an adventure just waiting to happen, proudly displaying one of its listed-on-the-case special features: scene selection. Because it's not something that's present on almost every single DVD imaginable, and because I know how much easier things are going to be when I can skip to scenes titled things like, "Busy & Naughty", "Not Screwed", and "Just Hury [sic] Up".
But this is a movie whose tagline is, "It will swallow you ~hole~!" so. I don't really know what else I expected.
And awaaaay we go! Here we are at the glorious Filadyne Research Center in beautiful Luxembourg! I know this information because I'm psychic, not because the movie has chosen to take the X-Files exposition route.
oh, boy. Science. The first of many shining examples. Also, check it out: particle accelerators that are going to be creating black holes? Where have I heard this story before? Movie, did you predict the future?
Letters! Numbers! Colors! It's Kindergarten, only cooler!
Oh, look, it's Malcolm McDowell. I wonder if he is going to be this film's villain, because he never plays villains. I don't even remember his character's name, to be perfectly honest, even though it was literally just spoken, but that's okay because that means I get to call him Dr. Soran for the rest of the movie. Aim for the Nexus, 'cause even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars! Ha Ha Ha HA!
Soran gives the go ahead to start some proton and anti-proton... things, and then this fellow shows up.
"Who authorized a ring experiment for this lab?!" random old dude wants to know.
Soran says he did, but random old dude is all, "You best be jokin', son; this facility is not ready for that!"
"It most assuredly is," Soran asserts. Well, I feel totally at ease now.
Then he calls security on random old dude because he's head physicist of this place and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Old dude says that this is his lab and that everyone is at risk, things haven't even been tested yet, ablablabla cockblock cockblock! Why don't you sit back and chill the hell out, man? History is clearly in the making here, and Crazy Uncle Nikola didn't invent radio for us without taking a few risks along the way! And inhaling a lot of wine!
Old dude looks on in horror as his scientists bend to the will of Dr. Soran, and a countdown begins.
BAM, BITCHES!
OH YEAH
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS
BUT IT SURE LOOKS COOL
YEAH, WE PUSHED A BUTTON! LAY THAT HIGH FIVE ON ME, BRO
Ahhh, Soran could not be more pleased. But what everyone in this room fails to notice is that the music is still totally ominous.
SUDDENLY, STAR TREK SHAKE! UH OHHHH.
Uh, ya'll, we got some problems here, including but not limited to a.) unresponsive systems, b.) rising temperatures, c.) shit hitting fans. This guy knows what's up.
Oh, lmao, he even says, "Oh, shit." Yep, basically!
Alarms blare, doors begin to shut,
and bookshelves topple over while people scream and cry and run around being generally useless.
Why, hello, Mr. Hole. You're looking awfully black today. Too much coffee again, sir?
Long story short: EVERYBODY DIES. Dag. What a way to go.
WELL, ANYWHO. We got places to go, people to see.
College lectures to attend, attractive professors to meet.
Even more attractive professors to meet.
Okay, so here we have Eva, pronounced just like in Wall-e, and what's-his-face who, in his spare time, works forrrr... *drum roll, please*... FILADYNE!
Eva apparently has a little bit of a grudge against Filadyne, and proceeds to pepper what's-his-face (oh, right, Steven! Honestly, how did I forget that, what with the iconic line that comes later?) with loaded questions about his ethics or perhaps lack thereof. And what's his reaction? Does he storm out of the room, does he tell Eva to leave him be, does he try to stare her down menacingly?
No. He gets incredibly turned on.
And so does she.
gosh, lady, you're so purdy. can we just sit back and admire for a moment? okay. yeah.
And then they hop in the sack. All right, then. Man, it's only 6 minutes in; you guys couldn't wait a little while? geez.
But I'm not going to lie to you: it's really cute and there's a lot of giggling and HHHHNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG.
kalhg;lhdlfh and then Steven, foreplay expert, says (god I swear to you I'm not making this up), "You will tell me you love me and I will give you a thousand donkeys!" OHHHHHHHHH YEAH! THAT IS SO HOT. OH GODDDDD, YES!
ohhh gee. ohhhhhhhhhh gee.
Lines I missed the first time around: "So, Professor~. Is that a structured or mechanical advance I'm feeling?" HAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT.
I- I could really screenshot this for all eternity, but we have to move on.
AHA! SEE?
Black Hole Survival Rule #1:
NO PANTS ALLOWED
Eva wanders around the house for a while while Steven catches some Z's. I wonder what she is up to? I wonder if perhaps...
...she's going to do something like sneak into his computer?
with no pants on?
oh. hello steven. fancy seeing you here. in your own house.
"Aw, gee, Steven! You scared the crap out of me! I was just- you know- not... sexing you up so I could get access to your Filadyne files or anything! I'd never do anything like that!"
And in fact, the excuse Eva actually uses is, "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd ~log on the Internet~." You know, I thought that by 2003, we had kind of given up on the term "logging on."
UGH OMG STOP I CANNOT HANDLE THIS (EXCEPT DON'T STOP EVER AND ALL THAT JAZZ)
Eva tells a nice little story about being stuck on a project and says, hey, maybe your Filadyne stuff can help me out! Steven's all, oh gee oh golly but my access is just so restricted and it probably won't be much help to you.
But, people who could resist that moe little face: n o b o d y. So he gets her in and tells her that Filadyne isn't the ~creepy~ place that she thinks it is, and that they're actually developing new energy sources right now. That... that sounds nice, I guess.
She waits until Steven stops rambling about kerosene to dart out of the room.
And just in case anyone forgot: still not wearing any pants.
She copies some files (onto a FLOPPY DISK, natch) of Dr. Soran and where he's been recently directing Filadyne finances...
...and then heads back to bed to feel bad about, you know, being a FILTHY LYING WHORE.
The next day at Eva's place, she feeds her lizard, and I assure you, that's not a euphemism.
Also, these pictures happen, and gee! That old guy sure looks familiar! So does the rest of that picture; I have no idea where else I might have seen it before. I mean, it's not like I've looked at it a thousand times or anything; what do you take me for?
She's on the computer again, this time with pants. There's some really girly flighty half-pop-half-folky music in the background, and I get this funny feeling that Amanda probably had everything to do with that and that just makes my heart do some stuff.
ENERGY.
wait a minute, "the void project"? What?
There's a knock at the door, and it's one of Eva's gal-pals, I guess. She comes bearing donuts. Eva insists that she's busy but simply cannot resist the allure of glazed sugary goodness.
IT'S DONUT TIME
um, so, a couple of things. Can you tell that she's blind? She's totally blind. Now-Carol-fences-other-blind-people blind. Blind blind blind blind blind as a goddamn bat. She's also, apparently, the woman who would go on to play Will's Dead Mommy on The Helen Magnus Show.
And her name? Ohhhhh, her name. Because out of all the names in the entire world, out of the millions upon billions of choices,
the one they would pick for the blind girl
would be Christine.
sonofabitch
For all the blind jokes I just made, I actually grew surprisingly attached to Christine, and not just because we share a name. She's smart and funny and pokes fun at herself in a way that makes me just want to reach right in and envelop her in the world's biggest hug. Apparently, she applied for a job, but nobody wants to hire the blind girl. ;_;
They take a little time to stand around feeling bad about it. It's legitimately depressing.
They don't take too much time, though, because it's time to get down to business. The business of DONUTS. FUCK YEAH. But actually that's an eclair, so. I don't know.
Eva lets fly that she got into some Filadyne files, and reveals her reason for doing so: namely, the ~mysterious death~ of her father, aka, RANDOM OLD DUDE! WHOAAAAA WHAAAAAT.
Christine correctly deduces that Steven gave her access, and is all, "You told him!" but Eva is all, "ahem ahem ahem, shifty eyes shifty eyes"
"What am I supposed to say?" Eva asks. "HEY, STEVEN, your boss at Filadyne killed my father, and with your help, I intend to prove it! OR, you can have the box that Carol's showing you on the floor?"
lmao what does that even mean. I don't- I don't get it. The more I think about it, the more I don't get it. Who's Carol? What box? What floor? You know how I feel about not getting jokes. I don't like it.
It must be pretty funny, though, because they both collapse into some pretty hardcore giggles. All right, fine, be that way. You can have your little jokes, WHY DON'T I JUST GET MY GOGGLES TO PROTECT MY EYES FROM CHEMISTRY ACID.
wait a minute.
carol? carol. CAROL WHO NOW FENCES OTHER BLIND PEOPL CA- okay, I know it cannot be that, but um, how hilar. how. hilar. is that name choice right there.
Well, then Christine is all, "You told me you were crazy about this guy."
"I am, Chris."
aw omg just like on Cagney & Lacey.
"I don't know what to do."
SIGH, MORAL DILEMMAS.
Allow me to introduce you to Filadyne, evil gray and metal land of scientific horror...
...where Steven talks to Soran about some science testing stuff. And can we just talk about those glasses for a moment? Those glasses. Before you know it, they're gonna leap off his face and then perch themselves back on his nose ala DEAL WITH IT shades.
"Well, Steven," Soran says. "We're a week away from making history."
OH NO. WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE.
Meanwhile, Eva works tirelessly into the night to figure out just how Soran offed her old man and why.
Some utterly ridiculous math appears on screen and I make this face irl.
ENERGY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS.
ENERGY? NO WAY.
I guess Eva knows what all that crap means, because she's a smrtysmrtsmrt lady. boy. that evokes a... certain sense of nostalgia in me and I don't know... where I might have witnessed something like ten seasons of that before. I just... don't... know............
ARGHBLKGLKFHBLBB GET IT AWAY
Eva does math all night and then dreams about it, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GIANT BLURRY HEAD IN THE FOREGROUND THAT I ONLY SAW AFTER UPPING THE CONTRAST, WHAT
Hello, Eva, it's me, your dead father. Did you figure out who fucked me up yet?
Figure it out, Eva.
OR HOUSES WILL EXPLODE
Don't listen to him, Eva. Only, I, Soran, know the truth, and will therefore extend my hand to you all sinister-like.
corn on the fucking cob, that is red.
JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST EVA, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS
man, this picture. never not gonna be funny to me.
and let me remind you how much the man evidently loved fishing, so. I'll let you read into that what you will.
"Oh, computer! I miss my dad! What should I do?"
"Holy shit, computer. Are you showing me... what I think you're showing me?"
Apparently whatever computer was showing her was some pretty real shit, because she goes right over to Steven's house and starts asking things like, "DO YOU THINK I'M MAKING THIS UP. DO YOU THINK I WOULD COME HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND CONFESS SOMETHING LIKE THIS JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT."
honestly, though? I think Steven's a little more concerned about the fact that you filthy lying whore'd him.
"Steven, this is bigger than you and me!"
Oh, sure, use the whole "we're all gonna die" tactic to get yourself outta trouble. but oh, face, stop making making that face. you know what things like this to do me.
lookin' kinda cool there, steven.
"So you're telling me you were using me?"
why yes, yes she was.
"To hack into my computer?"
Well, is it really considered hacking if you, you know, gave her your password?
"And now you want me to risk my job, my reputation, because you think Abernathy Soran's gonna blow up the world?"
Hey, it's not like it's his first time trying.
okay, no. somebody better get in here and take this woman's sads away, stat.
um, so then, awkward: she admits that yeah, she originally sexed him up as a way to get to Soran, but then oh, tragedy, things changed, and she really does love him now! she really really does!
and then Steven asks if she still would've sexed him up had he not worked for Filadyne.
AND SHE DOESN'T ANSWER! OHOOOOOOOOOOO DAMN. geez, girl, at least make something up!
"...I guess I wasted your time."
"Yeah."
ohhhhhhhhhh
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
hear that? It's the sound of hearts everywhere shattering to pieces.
she may be a filthy lying whore, but she's a cute and lovable filthy lying whore WHO JUST WANTS TO FIGURE OUT WHY HER DAD IS DEAD. and you just made her cry. nice job. hope you're proud of yourself.
The next day, Eva goes to some dude's house.
This is the dude. Go inside, totally legit, don't be a pussy, etc.
Actually, he's the one who doesn't want her to come inside.
BUT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY OF THAT TOMFOOLERY AND SHE IS GOING INSIDE THAT FUCKING HOUSE WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT
nice shoes, by the way, those are cute. I can feel my inner gay man coming out as I type.
Eva's all, "dude. let me in. I think Soran's gonna make another black hole and that's no good!"
Dr. Lazarus (that's his name) doesn't want to let her in, but he eventually relents. Hey, man, it's okay. I'm sure everything's going to be fine. No harm will come to you from a little 10 minute conversation. COUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH
that was, uh. that was my foreshadowing coughing. I hope it wasn't too subtle for you or anything.
Lazarus wants to know how she found him, and she says (lol), "...Let's just say I'm good with computers."
yyyyyeeeessss. I'm sure you're quite good with the... ball of a mouse, if you catch my drift.
"oh gurrrrrrl. you for real?"
ooh, bags.
"Going somewhere?" Eva asks. Yeah, off Earth before it's swallowed into Soran's black hole, take 2, I'd imagine.
"heehee! you're funny!"
and you're gorgeous, the end, by me.
Who's ready for some revelations? I am, I am! Turns out Dr. Lazarus over here didn't so much leave Filadyne as he was kicked out of Filadyne. Soran got funding for Filadyne from the Atomic Energy Comission and is very enthusiastic about using alternative energy as a cover for, you know, creating black holes.
And then Eva breaks out her "hacked" information. on ZIP drives. oy, zip drives. you know, I had a bunch of files on zip drives once, back when they were all the rage, and those little fuckers got corrupted so fast, it was absolutely unreal. I took such painstaking care of them, too. So many animu clips I will never see again.
I guess she must've showed him that world-rending black hole thing, because then he up and calls Soran, which doesn't immediately strike me as a good idea. But Soran's all, "Tell him I'm busy, I've got a big fancy office to sit in. Look at this fucking carpet, for God's sake."
Well, Soran gets quite an earful from Lazarus, and he's like, "seriously? bitch, you tryin' to play me? I can have you killed anytime I want 'cause I'm head physicist and I do what I want."
Lazarus gets invited to Soran's office first thing tomorrow morning so they can ~go over the findings~. hmmmmmm. eh, that sounds legit, too. Go for it, buddy.
Have I mentioned yet that the lizard, whose name is Willard, is actually going to end up being an important character later? What is it with animals being key plot elements in these things, anyway? Firs it was the dog in Mary & Tim, the dead dog in Footsteps, and now a lizard. What's next, a pet turtle that saves the planet?
Oh, and Christine's here, too. Doing what she does best, I guess. Actually, though, she bumps into something and tells Willard, "And stop moving the furniture on me." ;_; aw, chris.
"whatevah, ho, I move what I want."
Eva comes home and she and Christine scare the crap out of each other, and evidently scare the crap out of the music, too, because it suddenly lets loose with a DRAMATIC CUE!! AAAHHH!
Eva asks Christine what she's doing (every time my name comes out of a-tapps's mouth, it does funny things to my insides) and Christine says she came over to feed Willard. But Eva says, "No, what are you doing now?"
"I don't know, practicing my juggling act, why?"
dkhhjkljdla OH, CHRISTINE. ilu.
"Before you do that, can you stay for a while?"
You guys want some more revelations? I sure do. Let's get some.
So, this is what happens when black hole science goes the right way, ie, black hole doesn't happen.
Eva asks the iconic silly trailer question: "Do you know what a black hole is?"
"Yeah," Christine replies, "I'm living in one." skdhflksdf YOU GUYS, I THINK WE'RE LOOKING AT THE REAL HERO OF THIS MOVIE.
"You know what it's like? It's like putting too much soap into a load of laundry."
lmao oh. okay.
So, big explanation basically amounts to three things:
a.) The black hole will either expand and suck up the entire planet.
b.) Or the black hole will evaporate, but explode.
c.) Either way, it's like an atomic bomb.
it's pretty
~intense~
I feel like this has to be the convention center place they used on Stargate a lot. You know, the one where it was this year and everybody was sterile AND THEN THEY DIED. I've got a good feeling about this locale, then.
EXCUSE ME WHERE'S THAT LITTLE LAZARUS WEASEL, I'VE GOT A WORLD TO SAVE.
Dr. Lazarus hasn't shown up for their little shindig with Soran (I WONDER WHY...?) and Eva insists that she go in and talk to him anyway. It is vital that she go in, VITAL!
This zenith of snootiness strolls out and does the whole, "[laughinggirls.jpg] she thinks she's getting in to see soran!" routine, but mostly what she does is try to pull a runaround on Eva, directing her to ~public relations~ and blahblahblah.
WELL, EVA DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO PUBLIC FUCKING RELATIONS AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE A DAMN CARD! SO YOU BETTER LET HER IN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU. THIS BITCH BLEW UP SUNS IN ANOTHER LIFE, SO DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT MESSIN'.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAH I'M GOING IN THERE IF IT'S THE LAST THING I-"
"MMMPHFFFFFF."
Suddenly, Steven is there, and he's all, "eva what the flying fuck are you doing!!!" to which she screams, "GOD, THAT MANIAC IN THERE IS GONNA BLOW HIMSELF, YOU, AND THIS ENTIRE DAMN COUNTY TO KINGDOM COME, THAT'S WHAT GOING ON!" Okay, that is true, but right now youuu aaare acting mentally unhinged, so maybe slow your roll a bit.
Steven tells the guards that he knows her and they're like, "She just went nuts here." He says she's just been under a lotttt of stress lately, and she says, "YEAH, AND FOR GOOD REASON!!1one!"
"Man! If only I had level 3 advanced military combat training, I coulda kicked these motherfuckers in the teeth before they even touched me!"
Steven classifies this whole ordeal as "a prank", and Eva promptly freaks the fuck out, because THE WORLD IS GOING TO END AND NOBODY WILL LISTENNNNN.
Steven is JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY SHE IS SO UPSET.
"um, I told you what has me riled, but I seem to remember you saying something about a filthy lying whore and then kicking me out."
OOPS. yeah, that did happen, I remember it well.
HMMMMM, PLOTTING FACE.
Some guy walks into Soran's office and tells him that the little ~security breach~ has been taken care of.
To which he replies, "Not completely." HMMMMMMMM. PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT.
Eva rolls on up to Lazarus's house to see just where the fuck he was for their utterly botched meeting.
And what does she find?
The door.
AJAR.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
Where on Earth is Jason Lazarus???
"Jasoooon! You better have a good excuse!"
hahaha. oh, gosh. yeah, I'm... I'm pretty he does. Iiiii'm pretty darn sure he does.
hhhhmmmmmm. remember how Lazarus was going on a trip? Then why are his plane tickets still heeeeere?
and look! He was leaving through Portland! Pooooooortlaaaaaaand! *snuggles forever*
No, but seriously. Where is he? This is gettin' spookyyyyyyyy.
uh oh. uh oh what is that. it- it just must be a leaking bottle of cranberry juice, right? right?
...right?
WRONG
Now, as I think we're all aware, Sam Carter's reaction to a dead body hanging on the inside of the pantry door would most likely be a small, "Oh my God," and perhaps a little flinch at the cruel waste of human life. But she's a trooper, that one, so she'd get over it pretty quick and embark with her bros on a quest to track down the bastard who did it.
Therefore, you all must be quite curious as to what Eva's reaction might be. And it is...
...to scream at the top of her lungs and run headfirst into the nearest wall. marvelous.
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD CALL THE COPS CALL THE COPS
WHY CAN'T I
HOLD THIS PHONE
OH MY GOD AND IS THAT A FUCKING SHADOW COMING DOWN THE STAIRS WHAT THE FUCK
BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL,
RECEIVER THROW ATTACK!!
oh my god I am crying laughing capping this, I really am.
RUN, EVA, RRRRRRRUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN
wait up a minute, is that- did she- did she throw the phone hard enough at this guy's head to make him bleed? Or is that just a really big scar? I think that's actually blood. I think she did that with the phone. Shoot, maybe there is a little Sam in her after all.
hahaha ohhh skirt, what are you doing right now? nnnnfhdklgsd.
but anyway this is sewious so RUNNNNNN FFFFAAASSSSTTTTERRRR
"wait eva where are you going? I just want to play hide and seek! you didn't count to ten, you cheater"
okay, really, huge-ass scar or blood? I really cannot tell.
"I DON'T WANT TO PLAY YOUR SHITTY GAME GET AWAY FROM MEEEEE. YOU ALWAYS HIDE IN THE TREE FORT AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HEEEEEIGHTS"
SUDDENLY, A VEHICULAR FUCKING MISSILE
WHABAM
yeeeeep. stick a fork in him, he's done.
Congratulations, Eva, and welcome to your new life. I know what just happened to you was shitacularly scary, but trust me: it can and will only go down from here.
we, uh. we stay on this shot for quite a while. 15 fucking seconds, in fact. I counted. which begs the question: did they do this for dramatic effect, or are you telling me that in a movie about black fucking holes, nobody could come up with a few more minutes of harrowing danger and they were forced to fill it in with stuff like this?
One of life's many conundrums, I guess. I, for one, have had my fill of danger and excitement for the night, so I'm going to take a break here. Come back tomorrow for shit hitting the fan even harder than usual, and more SCIENCE than you can shake a stick at. Gooood night!
Stargate, of course, did nothing to relieve this fear, and in fact, only made it ten times worse. Because now, not only can black holes fuck your shit up, they can fuck time's shit up. Good God, what? Being The Decider of Matter, Energy and Light wasn't enough for these fuckers, so now they've gotta branch out into time as well? Shit, that's it, guys. Love is over. Everybody go home.
Luckily for me and anyone else suffering from trypoblackaphobia, we have The Void, which I am almost certain is a stealth lesson, an educational video on black hole survival, if you will. In these 90 exciting and pulse-pounding minutes, you too will learn just what it takes to look nature's garbage disposal in the face and say, "Fuck you, sir! I renounce your bullshit and I'm outta here!"
Of course, I think you can only get to this point by letting go of absolutely everything you know to be true about science and fine-tuning the mechanics of your life so that hand-waves actually work in practice. And you also have to walk around your house without pants as much as humanly possible. Look, do you want to be able to survive black holes or not? Take 'em off, g.
Before we go anywhere, I think we have to take a moment to appreciate this DVD menu. I don't know about you, but there's a lot going on here that peaks my interest. Take, for instance, the gratuitous use of filters all over the screen. Motion blurs here, computer-looking things there, and the silhouette of a security camera, perched high above it all, as if to say, "Don't think I don't know why you're here. You're here because you want to see Amanda Tapping naked, but tough luck, kid, because that breast you're going to see later is 100% not hers."
Lionsgate, apparently so enamored with this production that they could spit, has their logo plastered near the top. The menu itself is an adventure just waiting to happen, proudly displaying one of its listed-on-the-case special features: scene selection. Because it's not something that's present on almost every single DVD imaginable, and because I know how much easier things are going to be when I can skip to scenes titled things like, "Busy & Naughty", "Not Screwed", and "Just Hury [sic] Up".
But this is a movie whose tagline is, "It will swallow you ~hole~!" so. I don't really know what else I expected.
And awaaaay we go! Here we are at the glorious Filadyne Research Center in beautiful Luxembourg! I know this information because I'm psychic, not because the movie has chosen to take the X-Files exposition route.
oh, boy. Science. The first of many shining examples. Also, check it out: particle accelerators that are going to be creating black holes? Where have I heard this story before? Movie, did you predict the future?
Letters! Numbers! Colors! It's Kindergarten, only cooler!
Oh, look, it's Malcolm McDowell. I wonder if he is going to be this film's villain, because he never plays villains. I don't even remember his character's name, to be perfectly honest, even though it was literally just spoken, but that's okay because that means I get to call him Dr. Soran for the rest of the movie. Aim for the Nexus, 'cause even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars! Ha Ha Ha HA!
Soran gives the go ahead to start some proton and anti-proton... things, and then this fellow shows up.
"Who authorized a ring experiment for this lab?!" random old dude wants to know.
Soran says he did, but random old dude is all, "You best be jokin', son; this facility is not ready for that!"
"It most assuredly is," Soran asserts. Well, I feel totally at ease now.
Then he calls security on random old dude because he's head physicist of this place and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Old dude says that this is his lab and that everyone is at risk, things haven't even been tested yet, ablablabla cockblock cockblock! Why don't you sit back and chill the hell out, man? History is clearly in the making here, and Crazy Uncle Nikola didn't invent radio for us without taking a few risks along the way! And inhaling a lot of wine!
Old dude looks on in horror as his scientists bend to the will of Dr. Soran, and a countdown begins.
BAM, BITCHES!
OH YEAH
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS
BUT IT SURE LOOKS COOL
YEAH, WE PUSHED A BUTTON! LAY THAT HIGH FIVE ON ME, BRO
Ahhh, Soran could not be more pleased. But what everyone in this room fails to notice is that the music is still totally ominous.
SUDDENLY, STAR TREK SHAKE! UH OHHHH.
Uh, ya'll, we got some problems here, including but not limited to a.) unresponsive systems, b.) rising temperatures, c.) shit hitting fans. This guy knows what's up.
Oh, lmao, he even says, "Oh, shit." Yep, basically!
Alarms blare, doors begin to shut,
and bookshelves topple over while people scream and cry and run around being generally useless.
Why, hello, Mr. Hole. You're looking awfully black today. Too much coffee again, sir?
Long story short: EVERYBODY DIES. Dag. What a way to go.
WELL, ANYWHO. We got places to go, people to see.
College lectures to attend, attractive professors to meet.
Even more attractive professors to meet.
Okay, so here we have Eva, pronounced just like in Wall-e, and what's-his-face who, in his spare time, works forrrr... *drum roll, please*... FILADYNE!
Eva apparently has a little bit of a grudge against Filadyne, and proceeds to pepper what's-his-face (oh, right, Steven! Honestly, how did I forget that, what with the iconic line that comes later?) with loaded questions about his ethics or perhaps lack thereof. And what's his reaction? Does he storm out of the room, does he tell Eva to leave him be, does he try to stare her down menacingly?
No. He gets incredibly turned on.
And so does she.
gosh, lady, you're so purdy. can we just sit back and admire for a moment? okay. yeah.
And then they hop in the sack. All right, then. Man, it's only 6 minutes in; you guys couldn't wait a little while? geez.
But I'm not going to lie to you: it's really cute and there's a lot of giggling and HHHHNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG.
kalhg;lhdlfh and then Steven, foreplay expert, says (god I swear to you I'm not making this up), "You will tell me you love me and I will give you a thousand donkeys!" OHHHHHHHHH YEAH! THAT IS SO HOT. OH GODDDDD, YES!
ohhh gee. ohhhhhhhhhh gee.
Lines I missed the first time around: "So, Professor~. Is that a structured or mechanical advance I'm feeling?" HAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT.
I- I could really screenshot this for all eternity, but we have to move on.
AHA! SEE?
Black Hole Survival Rule #1:
NO PANTS ALLOWED
Eva wanders around the house for a while while Steven catches some Z's. I wonder what she is up to? I wonder if perhaps...
...she's going to do something like sneak into his computer?
with no pants on?
oh. hello steven. fancy seeing you here. in your own house.
"Aw, gee, Steven! You scared the crap out of me! I was just- you know- not... sexing you up so I could get access to your Filadyne files or anything! I'd never do anything like that!"
And in fact, the excuse Eva actually uses is, "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd ~log on the Internet~." You know, I thought that by 2003, we had kind of given up on the term "logging on."
UGH OMG STOP I CANNOT HANDLE THIS (EXCEPT DON'T STOP EVER AND ALL THAT JAZZ)
Eva tells a nice little story about being stuck on a project and says, hey, maybe your Filadyne stuff can help me out! Steven's all, oh gee oh golly but my access is just so restricted and it probably won't be much help to you.
But, people who could resist that moe little face: n o b o d y. So he gets her in and tells her that Filadyne isn't the ~creepy~ place that she thinks it is, and that they're actually developing new energy sources right now. That... that sounds nice, I guess.
She waits until Steven stops rambling about kerosene to dart out of the room.
And just in case anyone forgot: still not wearing any pants.
She copies some files (onto a FLOPPY DISK, natch) of Dr. Soran and where he's been recently directing Filadyne finances...
...and then heads back to bed to feel bad about, you know, being a FILTHY LYING WHORE.
The next day at Eva's place, she feeds her lizard, and I assure you, that's not a euphemism.
Also, these pictures happen, and gee! That old guy sure looks familiar! So does the rest of that picture; I have no idea where else I might have seen it before. I mean, it's not like I've looked at it a thousand times or anything; what do you take me for?
She's on the computer again, this time with pants. There's some really girly flighty half-pop-half-folky music in the background, and I get this funny feeling that Amanda probably had everything to do with that and that just makes my heart do some stuff.
ENERGY.
wait a minute, "the void project"? What?
There's a knock at the door, and it's one of Eva's gal-pals, I guess. She comes bearing donuts. Eva insists that she's busy but simply cannot resist the allure of glazed sugary goodness.
IT'S DONUT TIME
um, so, a couple of things. Can you tell that she's blind? She's totally blind. Now-Carol-fences-other-blind-people blind. Blind blind blind blind blind as a goddamn bat. She's also, apparently, the woman who would go on to play Will's Dead Mommy on The Helen Magnus Show.
And her name? Ohhhhh, her name. Because out of all the names in the entire world, out of the millions upon billions of choices,
the one they would pick for the blind girl
would be Christine.
sonofabitch
For all the blind jokes I just made, I actually grew surprisingly attached to Christine, and not just because we share a name. She's smart and funny and pokes fun at herself in a way that makes me just want to reach right in and envelop her in the world's biggest hug. Apparently, she applied for a job, but nobody wants to hire the blind girl. ;_;
They take a little time to stand around feeling bad about it. It's legitimately depressing.
They don't take too much time, though, because it's time to get down to business. The business of DONUTS. FUCK YEAH. But actually that's an eclair, so. I don't know.
Eva lets fly that she got into some Filadyne files, and reveals her reason for doing so: namely, the ~mysterious death~ of her father, aka, RANDOM OLD DUDE! WHOAAAAA WHAAAAAT.
Christine correctly deduces that Steven gave her access, and is all, "You told him!" but Eva is all, "ahem ahem ahem, shifty eyes shifty eyes"
"What am I supposed to say?" Eva asks. "HEY, STEVEN, your boss at Filadyne killed my father, and with your help, I intend to prove it! OR, you can have the box that Carol's showing you on the floor?"
lmao what does that even mean. I don't- I don't get it. The more I think about it, the more I don't get it. Who's Carol? What box? What floor? You know how I feel about not getting jokes. I don't like it.
It must be pretty funny, though, because they both collapse into some pretty hardcore giggles. All right, fine, be that way. You can have your little jokes, WHY DON'T I JUST GET MY GOGGLES TO PROTECT MY EYES FROM CHEMISTRY ACID.
wait a minute.
carol? carol. CAROL WHO NOW FENCES OTHER BLIND PEOPL CA- okay, I know it cannot be that, but um, how hilar. how. hilar. is that name choice right there.
Well, then Christine is all, "You told me you were crazy about this guy."
"I am, Chris."
aw omg just like on Cagney & Lacey.
"I don't know what to do."
SIGH, MORAL DILEMMAS.
Allow me to introduce you to Filadyne, evil gray and metal land of scientific horror...
...where Steven talks to Soran about some science testing stuff. And can we just talk about those glasses for a moment? Those glasses. Before you know it, they're gonna leap off his face and then perch themselves back on his nose ala DEAL WITH IT shades.
"Well, Steven," Soran says. "We're a week away from making history."
OH NO. WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE.
Meanwhile, Eva works tirelessly into the night to figure out just how Soran offed her old man and why.
Some utterly ridiculous math appears on screen and I make this face irl.
ENERGY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS.
ENERGY? NO WAY.
I guess Eva knows what all that crap means, because she's a smrtysmrtsmrt lady. boy. that evokes a... certain sense of nostalgia in me and I don't know... where I might have witnessed something like ten seasons of that before. I just... don't... know............
ARGHBLKGLKFHBLBB GET IT AWAY
Eva does math all night and then dreams about it, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GIANT BLURRY HEAD IN THE FOREGROUND THAT I ONLY SAW AFTER UPPING THE CONTRAST, WHAT
Hello, Eva, it's me, your dead father. Did you figure out who fucked me up yet?
Figure it out, Eva.
OR HOUSES WILL EXPLODE
Don't listen to him, Eva. Only, I, Soran, know the truth, and will therefore extend my hand to you all sinister-like.
corn on the fucking cob, that is red.
JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST EVA, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS
man, this picture. never not gonna be funny to me.
and let me remind you how much the man evidently loved fishing, so. I'll let you read into that what you will.
"Oh, computer! I miss my dad! What should I do?"
"Holy shit, computer. Are you showing me... what I think you're showing me?"
Apparently whatever computer was showing her was some pretty real shit, because she goes right over to Steven's house and starts asking things like, "DO YOU THINK I'M MAKING THIS UP. DO YOU THINK I WOULD COME HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND CONFESS SOMETHING LIKE THIS JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT."
honestly, though? I think Steven's a little more concerned about the fact that you filthy lying whore'd him.
"Steven, this is bigger than you and me!"
Oh, sure, use the whole "we're all gonna die" tactic to get yourself outta trouble. but oh, face, stop making making that face. you know what things like this to do me.
lookin' kinda cool there, steven.
"So you're telling me you were using me?"
why yes, yes she was.
"To hack into my computer?"
Well, is it really considered hacking if you, you know, gave her your password?
"And now you want me to risk my job, my reputation, because you think Abernathy Soran's gonna blow up the world?"
Hey, it's not like it's his first time trying.
okay, no. somebody better get in here and take this woman's sads away, stat.
um, so then, awkward: she admits that yeah, she originally sexed him up as a way to get to Soran, but then oh, tragedy, things changed, and she really does love him now! she really really does!
and then Steven asks if she still would've sexed him up had he not worked for Filadyne.
AND SHE DOESN'T ANSWER! OHOOOOOOOOOOO DAMN. geez, girl, at least make something up!
"...I guess I wasted your time."
"Yeah."
ohhhhhhhhhh
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
hear that? It's the sound of hearts everywhere shattering to pieces.
she may be a filthy lying whore, but she's a cute and lovable filthy lying whore WHO JUST WANTS TO FIGURE OUT WHY HER DAD IS DEAD. and you just made her cry. nice job. hope you're proud of yourself.
The next day, Eva goes to some dude's house.
This is the dude. Go inside, totally legit, don't be a pussy, etc.
Actually, he's the one who doesn't want her to come inside.
BUT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY OF THAT TOMFOOLERY AND SHE IS GOING INSIDE THAT FUCKING HOUSE WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT
nice shoes, by the way, those are cute. I can feel my inner gay man coming out as I type.
Eva's all, "dude. let me in. I think Soran's gonna make another black hole and that's no good!"
Dr. Lazarus (that's his name) doesn't want to let her in, but he eventually relents. Hey, man, it's okay. I'm sure everything's going to be fine. No harm will come to you from a little 10 minute conversation. COUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH
that was, uh. that was my foreshadowing coughing. I hope it wasn't too subtle for you or anything.
Lazarus wants to know how she found him, and she says (lol), "...Let's just say I'm good with computers."
yyyyyeeeessss. I'm sure you're quite good with the... ball of a mouse, if you catch my drift.
"oh gurrrrrrl. you for real?"
ooh, bags.
"Going somewhere?" Eva asks. Yeah, off Earth before it's swallowed into Soran's black hole, take 2, I'd imagine.
"heehee! you're funny!"
and you're gorgeous, the end, by me.
Who's ready for some revelations? I am, I am! Turns out Dr. Lazarus over here didn't so much leave Filadyne as he was kicked out of Filadyne. Soran got funding for Filadyne from the Atomic Energy Comission and is very enthusiastic about using alternative energy as a cover for, you know, creating black holes.
And then Eva breaks out her "hacked" information. on ZIP drives. oy, zip drives. you know, I had a bunch of files on zip drives once, back when they were all the rage, and those little fuckers got corrupted so fast, it was absolutely unreal. I took such painstaking care of them, too. So many animu clips I will never see again.
I guess she must've showed him that world-rending black hole thing, because then he up and calls Soran, which doesn't immediately strike me as a good idea. But Soran's all, "Tell him I'm busy, I've got a big fancy office to sit in. Look at this fucking carpet, for God's sake."
Well, Soran gets quite an earful from Lazarus, and he's like, "seriously? bitch, you tryin' to play me? I can have you killed anytime I want 'cause I'm head physicist and I do what I want."
Lazarus gets invited to Soran's office first thing tomorrow morning so they can ~go over the findings~. hmmmmmm. eh, that sounds legit, too. Go for it, buddy.
Have I mentioned yet that the lizard, whose name is Willard, is actually going to end up being an important character later? What is it with animals being key plot elements in these things, anyway? Firs it was the dog in Mary & Tim, the dead dog in Footsteps, and now a lizard. What's next, a pet turtle that saves the planet?
Oh, and Christine's here, too. Doing what she does best, I guess. Actually, though, she bumps into something and tells Willard, "And stop moving the furniture on me." ;_; aw, chris.
"whatevah, ho, I move what I want."
Eva comes home and she and Christine scare the crap out of each other, and evidently scare the crap out of the music, too, because it suddenly lets loose with a DRAMATIC CUE!! AAAHHH!
Eva asks Christine what she's doing (every time my name comes out of a-tapps's mouth, it does funny things to my insides) and Christine says she came over to feed Willard. But Eva says, "No, what are you doing now?"
"I don't know, practicing my juggling act, why?"
dkhhjkljdla OH, CHRISTINE. ilu.
"Before you do that, can you stay for a while?"
You guys want some more revelations? I sure do. Let's get some.
So, this is what happens when black hole science goes the right way, ie, black hole doesn't happen.
Eva asks the iconic silly trailer question: "Do you know what a black hole is?"
"Yeah," Christine replies, "I'm living in one." skdhflksdf YOU GUYS, I THINK WE'RE LOOKING AT THE REAL HERO OF THIS MOVIE.
"You know what it's like? It's like putting too much soap into a load of laundry."
lmao oh. okay.
So, big explanation basically amounts to three things:
a.) The black hole will either expand and suck up the entire planet.
b.) Or the black hole will evaporate, but explode.
c.) Either way, it's like an atomic bomb.
it's pretty
~intense~
I feel like this has to be the convention center place they used on Stargate a lot. You know, the one where it was this year and everybody was sterile AND THEN THEY DIED. I've got a good feeling about this locale, then.
EXCUSE ME WHERE'S THAT LITTLE LAZARUS WEASEL, I'VE GOT A WORLD TO SAVE.
Dr. Lazarus hasn't shown up for their little shindig with Soran (I WONDER WHY...?) and Eva insists that she go in and talk to him anyway. It is vital that she go in, VITAL!
This zenith of snootiness strolls out and does the whole, "[laughinggirls.jpg] she thinks she's getting in to see soran!" routine, but mostly what she does is try to pull a runaround on Eva, directing her to ~public relations~ and blahblahblah.
WELL, EVA DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO PUBLIC FUCKING RELATIONS AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE A DAMN CARD! SO YOU BETTER LET HER IN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU. THIS BITCH BLEW UP SUNS IN ANOTHER LIFE, SO DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT MESSIN'.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAH I'M GOING IN THERE IF IT'S THE LAST THING I-"
"MMMPHFFFFFF."
Suddenly, Steven is there, and he's all, "eva what the flying fuck are you doing!!!" to which she screams, "GOD, THAT MANIAC IN THERE IS GONNA BLOW HIMSELF, YOU, AND THIS ENTIRE DAMN COUNTY TO KINGDOM COME, THAT'S WHAT GOING ON!" Okay, that is true, but right now youuu aaare acting mentally unhinged, so maybe slow your roll a bit.
Steven tells the guards that he knows her and they're like, "She just went nuts here." He says she's just been under a lotttt of stress lately, and she says, "YEAH, AND FOR GOOD REASON!!1one!"
"Man! If only I had level 3 advanced military combat training, I coulda kicked these motherfuckers in the teeth before they even touched me!"
Steven classifies this whole ordeal as "a prank", and Eva promptly freaks the fuck out, because THE WORLD IS GOING TO END AND NOBODY WILL LISTENNNNN.
Steven is JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY SHE IS SO UPSET.
"um, I told you what has me riled, but I seem to remember you saying something about a filthy lying whore and then kicking me out."
OOPS. yeah, that did happen, I remember it well.
HMMMMM, PLOTTING FACE.
Some guy walks into Soran's office and tells him that the little ~security breach~ has been taken care of.
To which he replies, "Not completely." HMMMMMMMM. PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT.
Eva rolls on up to Lazarus's house to see just where the fuck he was for their utterly botched meeting.
And what does she find?
The door.
AJAR.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
Where on Earth is Jason Lazarus???
"Jasoooon! You better have a good excuse!"
hahaha. oh, gosh. yeah, I'm... I'm pretty he does. Iiiii'm pretty darn sure he does.
hhhhmmmmmm. remember how Lazarus was going on a trip? Then why are his plane tickets still heeeeere?
and look! He was leaving through Portland! Pooooooortlaaaaaaand! *snuggles forever*
No, but seriously. Where is he? This is gettin' spookyyyyyyyy.
uh oh. uh oh what is that. it- it just must be a leaking bottle of cranberry juice, right? right?
...right?
WRONG
Now, as I think we're all aware, Sam Carter's reaction to a dead body hanging on the inside of the pantry door would most likely be a small, "Oh my God," and perhaps a little flinch at the cruel waste of human life. But she's a trooper, that one, so she'd get over it pretty quick and embark with her bros on a quest to track down the bastard who did it.
Therefore, you all must be quite curious as to what Eva's reaction might be. And it is...
...to scream at the top of her lungs and run headfirst into the nearest wall. marvelous.
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD CALL THE COPS CALL THE COPS
WHY CAN'T I
HOLD THIS PHONE
OH MY GOD AND IS THAT A FUCKING SHADOW COMING DOWN THE STAIRS WHAT THE FUCK
BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL,
RECEIVER THROW ATTACK!!
oh my god I am crying laughing capping this, I really am.
RUN, EVA, RRRRRRRUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN
wait up a minute, is that- did she- did she throw the phone hard enough at this guy's head to make him bleed? Or is that just a really big scar? I think that's actually blood. I think she did that with the phone. Shoot, maybe there is a little Sam in her after all.
hahaha ohhh skirt, what are you doing right now? nnnnfhdklgsd.
but anyway this is sewious so RUNNNNNN FFFFAAASSSSTTTTERRRR
"wait eva where are you going? I just want to play hide and seek! you didn't count to ten, you cheater"
okay, really, huge-ass scar or blood? I really cannot tell.
"I DON'T WANT TO PLAY YOUR SHITTY GAME GET AWAY FROM MEEEEE. YOU ALWAYS HIDE IN THE TREE FORT AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HEEEEEIGHTS"
SUDDENLY, A VEHICULAR FUCKING MISSILE
WHABAM
yeeeeep. stick a fork in him, he's done.
Congratulations, Eva, and welcome to your new life. I know what just happened to you was shitacularly scary, but trust me: it can and will only go down from here.
we, uh. we stay on this shot for quite a while. 15 fucking seconds, in fact. I counted. which begs the question: did they do this for dramatic effect, or are you telling me that in a movie about black fucking holes, nobody could come up with a few more minutes of harrowing danger and they were forced to fill it in with stuff like this?
One of life's many conundrums, I guess. I, for one, have had my fill of danger and excitement for the night, so I'm going to take a break here. Come back tomorrow for shit hitting the fan even harder than usual, and more SCIENCE than you can shake a stick at. Gooood night!