footsteps, part 2 - oh, that day, that day, what a mess, what a marvel
did candy lose a bet or something? WHY IS SHE IN THIS?
- missparker
The world may never know.
GOD I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED AND I ALREADY FEEL SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE.
Well, last time, we met Daisy and Spencer and a fake detective who's apparently out for blood. Daisy's blood. Oh no! Whatever shall become of her? Oh, and it's a little up in the air at this point as to whether or not Daisy's dog, Max, is alive or dead. But it's not lookin' good. Which is a shame, because like Porthos in Enterprise, Max had the potential to be the best character of the entire movie. It's a shame that the writers didn't recognize his supa kawaii~ potential. That's so speciesist.
I'm sure the image of our fake detective not-friend unconvincingly holding a knife to Daisy's throat has not left you, so I'd say we're ready to continue this horrible descent into D-movie hell.
Obviously the only appropriate thing to do right now is to watch more videos of Max.
This is actually not-so-delightfully messed up. I mean, let's say somebody killed your dog, and then you were forced to sit down and watch videos of your recently deceased woobiekins. that's fucking siiiiiiiick. You gotta give Daisy some credit, though. I guess she's entered more of a catatonic state, 'cause idk about you but if that happened to me I'd be bawling my eyes out like a little bitch.
Bondage! Well, it had to happen eventually.
"sup bitches. i'm way cuter than that dog from Mary & Tim. I could take him out to lunch. even though he's like 10 times bigger than me."
Well, here's what the husband looks like. They, like, wear identical sweaters a lot or something. While drinking wine. idk. But they look so happy, baaaawwwww. ;_;
Our sadistic killer for the evening is over here, just chillin' out, and he's got gloves on, so, surprise, he was Gloves Dude. And he's got this shit wrapped up tight: thanks to Spencer's dipshittery, there are plenty of his fingerprints around this place. So any attempt to be a hero will prooobably end with Daisy's gruesome death and that will in turn bring about the arrest of Spencer because his DNA is evvveryyywheeere. nooooo!
So much for not crying. lol.
"Wh-what do you want?" Daisy asks. Gee, a guy with gloves and a gun comes into your house? idkkkkkkkkk, what could he possibly want?
well at least somebody's having fun!
And this pretty much seals Max's fate, which was already sealed to begin with. But Eddie (that's our killer's name, although I guess it might not really be his name) lets her piece together all the parts of the puzzle: he stole the truck. He was in the house. He messed with the lightbulb. AND BAAAAWWWWWWWW HE KILLED MAAAAAAAAAX.
"Remember me, Daisy," Eddie says. lmao. Apparently Eddie was the one sending the creepy letters about waiting for Daisy in the dark, eeeek!
ew lmao and then he's like "Feel my hot breath on your cheek." eeegh.
More pieces are put together. sure is jigsaw puzzle in here. Eddie's evidently a little pissed about what happened to Boss. He likes Boss a lot, says he was a great man. Daisy's like "wtf he's a character."
oh well, I guess it's time for this drink again. This drink laced with something that's prooobably cyanide! Eddie goes over and tries to convince Daisy to take a sip. For Boss's sake. ooooh. "You must think I'm insane," she says. Eddie just tells her that "You made up the game." oh, okay. It's like Candy Land, then! yaaaaay colors and sweet things yaaaaaaaay
ohhhhhh what's she gonna doooooooooo
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SNAP
lmao I can't believe this was the only screenshot I could get of this.
GRRR YOU THREW BOOZE IN MY FACE I AM MAAAAAAAAAAAAD
In one of Daisy's rare and shining moments of badassery, she looks Eddie in the eye and says, "Go ahead." ooooooooh.
Eddie's still like "I'm gonna stand here just like this and dramatically hold this gun to your head" and then ROBBIE CALLS! OH GOSH. And they both look at the phone and he's leaving a message about WHERE TO FIND THE GUNNNNNNN! AAAAAAAH HE KEEPS IT WITH THE FISHING TACKLE because if there's anything that Denny Crane taught us, it's that it's always more effective to shoot fish instead of catch them.
and Daisy's response to this is just, "He'll call back." lmfao, what? all right.
Thanks to Daisy saying that, Eddie figures now's a good a time as any to go cut the phone lines. He's a pretty sucky killer because why didn't he just do that before...?
Daisy then decides that it's time to get the handcuffs off, so she's messing with them and then she looks out an opposite window and
and uhhhhh, yeah, this. I don't know who told this director that DRAMATIC ZOOMS were a good idea, but obviously I hope he never directs anything ever again.
AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SEES AAAAAHHHHHH NOOOOOOO SPENCERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR AAHHHHHHHHHHHH
IT'S PHONE TIME
or it would be if she could grab it. This goes on for way too long and finally flop, she's able to get the phone out with this handy dandy folder.
I guess she dialed Robbie's number again, so... I don't know, I just don't even know. WHY WON'T YOU CALL THE POLICE, JESUS. In the time that you guys were fuckin' around with glasses of cyanide, they could've been here by now!
Is it gonna work?! Is she gonna get through?!
NOPE.
SORRY DAISYYYYYYYYYYY. you can insert a coin and try again?
and that's just what she does! She knocks over a cup of pens and stuff and VOILA! SCISSORS! YESSSSS! NOW SHE CAN HAVE A WEAPON, NOW SHE CAN
...
pick up a pen?
wat.
wat.
god, the music is so ridiculous here. Every few seconds there a dramatic "DUNNNNun" and it's just like, what the hell. WHAT THE HELL. WHY? WHYYYYYYY. GODDAMNIT WHYYYYY.
oh, the suspense is killing me!
All right, so after about 10 entire seconds of this pen thing, she's able to snap the clippy thingy off, and starts using it to try to unscrew the handle that she's cuffed to. Actually, that is smart, except why not just try to pick the lock of the handcuffs. whatever, I guess it's a good plan. I just don't know why we needed 10 ENTIRE SECONDS devoted to the liberation of the clippy thingy from its pen.
this goes on for... a while.
heyoooooo, look who's back.
this is the... key to the handcuffs. in case you were wondering. Daisy does something which is actually pretty smart, she starts faking a panic attack! And she's like, "you gotta uncuff me, I'm gonna be sick," and I guess Eddie doesn't really want to have to deal with cleaning up puke or something because he in his infinite wisdom... uncuffs her. Eddie, why are you the worst killer... ever?
Meanwhile, in the car, *gasp!* SPENCER'S ALIVE! YAAAY.
aww, but he's a little ~tied up~ at the moment! dooohohohoho!
Inside, maybe Daisy really was having a panic attack because as soon as Eddie lets her into the bathroom she starts looking for bags, and then she finds her pills.
And back in the car, Spencer takes the shark knife that he just so happened to pick up before and starts sawing away at his restraints. I don't know, I think somebody was reading ahead in the script a little bit; it's pretty god-moddy that he just so happened to take the one thing that could get him out of such a mess.
Eddie stands next to the bathroom door and says that he's getting impatient. Daisy says, "Feel free to check," but, uh, Eddie must have some kind of issue with puke or something because this is his reaction. god, seriously, are you really a killer?
Daisy empties out the powder of the pills. A good idea, this!
Eddie tells her to hurry up and just as he's about to open the door, she comes out, looking much calmer.
and then she says
"I'll take that drink now."
ohhhhhhhhh snap!
"If it's a game," she tells Eddie as he pours her a drink, again, "then we both play." He's all for it, though, so. He takes another cup out and poooours away.
"I need ice." lmfao. oyyyyy. so what does our killer do? Turns around and gets her some ice...
And in the interim, in go the anxiety pills.
And then all of a sudden, Eddie stops and turns around, and he's like, "What a shame. Just when we were beginning to trust each other." lmfao WHAT THE HELL I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW IS THERE SUCH A CONSTANT AND FLUCTUATING GAP BETWEEN SMARTS AND STUPIDITY IN THIS MOVIE AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
So he has her stand up and starts emptying her pockets. Then he finds the pills and he says, "How do you think that makes me feel?"
There's no time to answer that because Daisy snatches up her keys and triggers her car alarm.
Spencer's a little surprised by the car suddenly blaring and blinking, to say the least.
Back inside, there's a mad struggle for the car keys, and this sends them doooooown the drain. Bye bye, keys!
Eddie's mad so he just kind of randomly shoves Daisy into the wall in the most horrendously fake sequence of person-shoving I have ever seen ever.
GRRRR EDDIE WANTS THOSE KEYS.
Can you find words for how motherfucking stupid this is? I cannot.
AND THEN DAISY DIVES FOR THE POWER SWITCH AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAGGGHHHHH MY HAND! THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR BEING SUCH A STUPID SHIT!
And they really do this shot. They really really do it. It's like they said, "shit, we need something to fill 5 seconds; what'll we do?" and they decided that psuedo-gore would be the way to go. It just looks like strawberry Jell-o!
and to make things EVEN BETTER, Daisy literally just stands there going, "OH MY GODDDDD OH MY GODDDDDD."
so Eddie's like "AAAAHHHH BLOOD"
and Daisy's like "OH MY GODDDDD"
and then Eddie's like "HELP MEEEEEEEEEE"
and what does Daisy do?
she
helps
him
god I wish you could just see my face right now.
OH, RIGHT, LIKE WE COULDN'T SEE THIS COMING.
hahaha, yooou got locked in the clooooset!
Eddie goes out to shut up the car and OHOHO, Spencer's escaped!
Spencer sees the Jell-o on the faucet and gets seriously spooked. There's been cooking going on in this kitchen!!
Eddie comes back in the house, Spencer dives away into a closet, but Eddie hears the door being closed and goes over to the closet and locks it. But it's not really so much a closet as it is a way into the basement, I guess. So down Spencer goes.
Back in Daisy's Closet of Terror, she starts looking for more stuff to use, and I don't even know what the fuck this is or why it was with the dog's toys. I mean, we always keep our perilously sharp objects in the same places that we keep Kathryn's toys, what are you talking about, it's totally normal.
seriously, what the hell is this?
well, upon further inspection, it looks like it's a comb, but when was the last time any of your hair care products came shaped like pointy death sticks?
She tries to stab Eddie, but no dice, for this is a suspense movie and rule number one of suspense films is that man is always stronger than woman. Eddie gets in close and says something about how Daisy can't hurt people, teehee, and then Spencer cuts the power from downstairs. And Daisy uses this chance to kick Eddie in the crotch and run off. Or she... lmao her run is just so strange. It's like she can't decide if she wants to be an airplane or a penguin. And this baffles me because Murphy is very capable of running like a normal person and guys I miss murphy so much right now. *breaks down and sobs*
Spencer grabs a flashlight, a hammer, and a screwdriver from down in the basement. When he comes back up, he heads for the door, and decides to get out by poking the doorknob with the screwdriver. okay. you let me know how that goes.
oh god, this part.
Eddie's still in the house, looking around for Daisy, but she's hightailed it outta there and is already down at the shed on the beach.
But guess what, it's locked! Suckerrrr.
Hey, remember how one of Daisy's fears is water? Well, it's time to go in the water!
wheeeeee
okay, SCENE: my house, real world. I've paused the movie because I'm starving and I need to go get something to eat. I make bacon and eggs, and pour myself a glass of cranberry juice. I eat the bacon and eggs like it's the first meal I've had in a thousand days. I pretend the cranberry juice is alcohol. I drink very very deeply. An episode of the original Star Trek is on. I watch it, and it feels like the warmest of suns breaking out from incredibly dark clouds.
Then my meal is over, my juice depleted. I gaze back at my room. There's more to be done.
I take a deep breath. I grab more cranberry juice, and a small bar of chocolate, for luck.
I head inside and close the door. My laptop looms ominously on my bed.
Once more unto the breach, my friends. Once more unto the breach.
just keep swimming, etc.
okay, she made it, she's in the shed, hurrah. And she turns on a light.
Which is helpful for Eddie because now he knows where she is. DAISY. GOD. WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID
no, scratch that, why are all three of them so unforgivably stupid? Their intelligence fluctuates like an earthquake needle. christ.
uh oh, guess what's gone?! ROBBIE'S GUN! EEEKEKEKEKEKE
Suddenly there's rattling behind the door! Eddie's got a key for the lock! aaahhhh! Daisy ducks away into the darknessssssssssss. lmao but turns off the light before she does so.
hellooooooooo in heeeeere
"Game's over, Daisy," he says. And then he hears a splash.
ARRRR I'LL GET HERRRR
j/k, she was just chillin' in the water to send Eddie on a wild goose chase outside. *golf clap*
now it's time to grab signal flares!!
AAAHAHAHAHA
This is one of the best pieces of dialogue in the entire movie. And by best I mean *vomits*
"They say flares are dangerous," Daisy says. "They could blind you. Set you on fire."
SIGNAL FLARES: THEY COULD SET YOU ON FIRE. this has been a PSA from Footsteps.
And then she says, "The problem is, I could hurt you, but I don't want to." oyyy. So a killer's coming after you and you don't want to punch their fucking lights out. I don't know anymore, man. I just. don't know. I never knew to begin with, really. but geez.
and then finally, FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!
daisy says,
"I'm calling the police."
THANK
THE
GODS
Then Eddie drops the true bomb of the movie. The bomb of bombs. ker-plow, kaboom, et al.
"I was hired," he says.
"BY
YOUR
HUSBANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD"
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
well now they are fighting. hxc.
not so hxc for Daisy, though, because idk if you can tell from this shot but Eddie is sticking her head in the water. glblglhlhglhblghblhglbhglhbglhb
And this is Spencer tripping over his own legs as he runssssss to rescue Daisy.
He gets into the shed and Daisy's like "aagghh I can't breathe" and Eddie's like "AAARRRR I KILL YOU" and Spencer runs in, tackles Eddie, but not hard enough because Eddie just tosses him aside.
and then he hits his head on whatever this thing is an passes out. How useful.
Daisy finally gets the signal flare open but it's in the water which doesn't seem right to me because how do sparks know what water is. I don't know, but I guess maybe you can open a signal flare in the water, I did not know this, but it's live action so I trust it.
NOT.
SPAHKS IN YO FACE
OAR ATTACK
all right, now we're makin' some progress. And it only took 62 minutes.
oyyyyyy exhaustion. I feel the same way, dude. I feel the same way.
Spencer goes about tying Eddie up and says that never again will he wish he had a more dramatic life. Good choice there, son.
Daisy stands up and Eddie's like, "where are you going?" and she's like "to get warm."
hngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
okay, remember how I talked about bottles of emergency brain bleach? Well, this is the time where I grab mine. idk, you can decide whether or not you would like to use it at this juncture.
OH ACTUALLY WAIT, LMAO J/K. THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE MOVIE. ARE YOU READY? LMAO.
so Daisy goes inside and she's like "gosh golly I'm thirsty" so
i'll give you 3 guesses what she does.
LMFAOSDHFKASHFLKHSDF
ARE
YOU
SHITTING ME WITH THIS
that is the alcohol. the alcohol laced with cyanide. I couldn't even type that without laughing so hard that I cried a little bit. or maybe I'm crying because just when I thought Daisy could not possibly become more idiotic, she did. by about 10,000 points. sigh.
yeah.
yeah.
good
fucking
job.
she immediately spits it out, washes her mouth out, grabs one of her blue water bottles from the fridge and drinks up. oy. and who even wants to drink alcohol when they're thirsty? don't normal people go for water or something?
sigh. why doesn't she even dump the alcohol out? maybe I should just stop asking questions. I won't get any answers anyway.
oh no
no
NO
NO
NO
OH YEAH
THIS IS NECESSARY
WHAT IS SHE, LIKE 57 AT THIS POINT? So this is like the equivalent of your grandmother stripping for you because your idiot friend slept with the stripper that he was supposed to hire for your bachelor party but she drugged him and took all of his money while he was passed out on his own bed. SO MUCH SQUICK I CANNOT EVEN. The whole time I was like "holy god please don't pan down PLEASE DON'T PAN DOWN" and luckily, the producers seemed to be aiming for a high TV PG because there was no pan down. But still. I can't quite... god, just... *drinks bleach*
well while that happens, she gazes at another happy picture of her and Robbie. Too bad he apparently wants her dead! hahahashkfhdfdfkdfglk
seriously okay why did they do that. were they going for sex appeal or something? sorry, there's kind of an age limit for that stuff. 57 is... a little more past the age limit that I would have liked. okay. ughgdklhfkldshfdf
Here we have a new cell phone battery. Eddie removed the other one, so yay for spares. Except it's a Motorola battery, so, good luck with that. I don't know about any of your experiences with Motorola batteries, but in my experience, they are very very bad. Also? Don't you have to, like... charge the battery before it works? How does the phone just magically turn on? oy. oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy.
oh, actually, never mind. The phone turns off after that lmao. And she's like, crap. that's better.
Spencer brings in Eddie, who's still knocked out, thank goodness, and says that it's definitely way past time to drive to the police station. But Daisy suddenly doesn't want to go, after she was almost drowned by this guy, she's like "JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO THINK IT THROUGH." Think what through? AAAARRRGGGHHH.
oh but at least she finally dumps out the alcohol.
well, eddie's awake now, and that's your fault for not just fucking going to the fucking police already.
He and Daisy go back and forth a little bit about him apparently being a hitman sent by Robbie. She's like "YOU'RE A LIAR" and he's like "lol. no. We had it all planned out. You were coming up to this house for the first time in many years. It was my job to wind you up, get rid of the dog, slip a little something in your drink so you'd pass out, and then I'd stick the gun in your hand." ta-daaaah. like magic.
Slowly but surely, Daisy begins to snap like a twig, and she takes all the bullets out of the gun only to stick one in. She walks over to the couch and there's more back-and-forth about this hitman business. Everything that Eddie says, Spencer attempts to rationalize it. He has Robbie's phone number in his wallet, but Spencer says that anybody can get a phone number. "You're happily married," he insists.
Meanwhile, Daisy's starting to look not too well. Like she's gonna pass out. And not from a panic attack.
annnd now she's on the floor. Could this possibly be because of the cyanide drink? do you think? maybe? pfff.
Daisy figures out that the cyanide was actually in her water bottle, and that it's not cyanide. It's just tranquilizers. And then magically she's all better.
Then there's some mess with the suicide note, and I still can't figure out if it's just mindgames or what, but Eddie claims that she wrote the note last year, and Robbie kept it, but then Spencer takes out one of the books and says, "no no no, they just got this out of one of your books, see? it's right here word for word" and it is, so it's all up in the air whether or not she actually wrote it. Nevertheless, her descent into insanity proceeds as normal.
yep. as normal.
Spencer tries to convince her not to do it, and then suddenly, everyone hears a car.
Now the husband's finally decided to show.
FINALLY WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH.
Robbie discovers that the house is in shambles and he's like "whaaaat the shit happened here."
And heeeeere's Daisy. Feeling pretty darkly psychotic. And with good reason, I would say.
Now, there's this whole deal with Eddie saying that Robbie was going to bring their friend, who's a judge, as a witness after Daisy was murdered. Spencer looks out the window and into Robbie's car and sees that there's no one in there. Robbie is so baffled by everything that is happening but Daisy won't budge.
Daisy asks Eddie how many rounds are in the gun. (isn't it their gun?) Six, he says.
So now it's time to play Russian Roulette, with your host, Daisy.
Robbie's not wild about this. Even more not wild about this is he when Daisy actually fires. But nothing happens. Now he's got a 1 in 5 choice, hohoho.
Daisy says "tell me the truth, have you ever thought about killing me" and Robbie's like "WAT", but then concedes that yeah, it was hard. But uh, he never thought about killing her, nope! And then Daisy's like "HE KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT US, WHAT TIME I WAS COMING, WHERE YOU KEPT THE GUN" and I just want everyone to remember that EDDIE WAS IN THE ROOM with Daisy when Robbie's call about where the gun was came in. Of course Eddie knew where the gun was!
Then we get a really fun tidbit: on the day that Robbie brought Daisy home from the hospital, she said to him that the books were killing her; she had to stop writing them. And he said that it wasn't a good idea.
and Spencer looks out the window AND GUESS WHAT THERE IS SOMEBODY IN THE CAR.
pow, she shoots him again. Nothing happens. 1 in 4. Apparently Daisy never really wanted to be writing about Jordan and Boss in the first place. ohhhh dear. In the next couple of seconds, it goes from 1 in 4 to 1 in 2! woooohooohoo! it's a party now.
And then it the last chance. Robbie admits that he was angry that Daisy wanted to stop writing the books. uh ohhhh!
Daisy sticks the gun into his back
and then
~the revelation~
"I hired him."
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SNAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
and then she shoots him.
but she never even had the gun loaded in the first place.
"Never load a gun you're not ready to use."
well how bout that.
lmao and then Spencer goes downstairs and he'd turned up the stereo before, so he turns the power back on and the stereo starts fucking blaring some kind of teenage rock music. Because Daisy listens to that all the time?
Their judge friend is like "whaaaat?"
pff, and then the weirdest fucking thing happens.
Robbie gets Daisy in a fucking headlock. Spencer sprints toward the door, but Robbie's like "STOP RIGHT THERE" and he tells Spencer to turn off the music or he'll break her neck. So he turns it off. Where did Robbie get this maneuver, anyway? Wrestling?
He then tells Spencer to load the gun and hand it over. He does.
so now Robbie's got the gun. That poor gun, it does not have a clue what it's gotten itself into.
Robbie unties Eddie and asks him if he could've screwed this up any worse. Well, probably not. But I'm not gonna make any assumptions. Robbie then tells Eddie to get rid of Daisy and Spencer. Eddie bitches and moans about it being "two for the price of one now?" ikr, how lame.
All right, now let's talk about this judge. If Robbie was aware that things weren't exactly going as planned, why would he bring a judge with him to this imminent crime scene? IDGI. and I never will get it. because it's just. plain. nonsensical.
Inside the house, Eddie and Robbie's little tiff continues, and Eddie kicks the gun toward Robbie. "You want to shoot her, then you'd better do it." lol.
Back outside, the judge hears his phone ringing from inside the car whose doors are now closed. That is one loud-ass ringtone.
Robbie really planned well for this, because he's too much of a pussy to kill everyone. So he goes up to Daisy and he asks her what she wants. "I guess counseling is out of the question," she says. And then Robbie's like "all right, we'll start with divorce. 50/50 down the middle." LMFAO. Daisy's like "DIVORCE? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? HOW ABOUT JAIL" but imho I'd be way more offended that he suggested a 50/50 split. AS IFFFFFF.
So then Robbie's like "look, nothing's gonna happen if you go to the police" and Daisy's like "I have a witness" and Robbie's like "hurrrr so do I" but then Daisy says, "Mine's a judge."
lmao. That phone call that the judge got was from Daisy. hollerrrrrr. So in a movie chok-full of dipshittery, Robbie's moronic decision to get a judge to be his witness proved to be his undoing. TA-DAAAAAAAAA.
"Game over," sayeth Daisy. yeah. that was some game, all right. just like playing E.T. for the Atari 2600.
bye bye robbie~
bye bye eddie~
but before he goes, he turns to Daisy and says, "I'm sorry I was right."
"You were right about Robbie," she says. well, yeah.
"Still believe the world can be kind?" he asks her.
I guess so.
Time to say goodbye to Spencer.
"What would she say right now?" he asks. "Jordan Steele?"
"Jordan's retired," Daisy says with a smile.
Spencer nods. "I don't blame her." He starts to wheel his bike away, but Daisy stops him.
"Spencer. She'd say you did great tonight."
Iiii would say SO. Well, aside from the time he knocked his head while you were drowning.
whatever, you know what? it's done. we're done.
IT'S OVER
Daisy walks back into the house, grabs her purse, and turns off the lamp without even batting an eye. OH HOW SHE'S GROWN.
THE
FUCKING
ENhang on wait a minute.
uhh
is that a shadow
oh what the haaaale is this now
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT?!
GET THE FUCK OUT, MOVIE. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT. I AM DONE WITH YOU. WE ARE BREAKING UP. YOU WERE THE LOUSIEST LOVER I'VE EVER HAD. GO CHOKE ON A DICK.
good.
fucking.
night.
- missparker
The world may never know.
GOD I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED AND I ALREADY FEEL SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE.
Well, last time, we met Daisy and Spencer and a fake detective who's apparently out for blood. Daisy's blood. Oh no! Whatever shall become of her? Oh, and it's a little up in the air at this point as to whether or not Daisy's dog, Max, is alive or dead. But it's not lookin' good. Which is a shame, because like Porthos in Enterprise, Max had the potential to be the best character of the entire movie. It's a shame that the writers didn't recognize his supa kawaii~ potential. That's so speciesist.
I'm sure the image of our fake detective not-friend unconvincingly holding a knife to Daisy's throat has not left you, so I'd say we're ready to continue this horrible descent into D-movie hell.
Obviously the only appropriate thing to do right now is to watch more videos of Max.
This is actually not-so-delightfully messed up. I mean, let's say somebody killed your dog, and then you were forced to sit down and watch videos of your recently deceased woobiekins. that's fucking siiiiiiiick. You gotta give Daisy some credit, though. I guess she's entered more of a catatonic state, 'cause idk about you but if that happened to me I'd be bawling my eyes out like a little bitch.
Bondage! Well, it had to happen eventually.
"sup bitches. i'm way cuter than that dog from Mary & Tim. I could take him out to lunch. even though he's like 10 times bigger than me."
Well, here's what the husband looks like. They, like, wear identical sweaters a lot or something. While drinking wine. idk. But they look so happy, baaaawwwww. ;_;
Our sadistic killer for the evening is over here, just chillin' out, and he's got gloves on, so, surprise, he was Gloves Dude. And he's got this shit wrapped up tight: thanks to Spencer's dipshittery, there are plenty of his fingerprints around this place. So any attempt to be a hero will prooobably end with Daisy's gruesome death and that will in turn bring about the arrest of Spencer because his DNA is evvveryyywheeere. nooooo!
So much for not crying. lol.
"Wh-what do you want?" Daisy asks. Gee, a guy with gloves and a gun comes into your house? idkkkkkkkkk, what could he possibly want?
well at least somebody's having fun!
And this pretty much seals Max's fate, which was already sealed to begin with. But Eddie (that's our killer's name, although I guess it might not really be his name) lets her piece together all the parts of the puzzle: he stole the truck. He was in the house. He messed with the lightbulb. AND BAAAAWWWWWWWW HE KILLED MAAAAAAAAAX.
"Remember me, Daisy," Eddie says. lmao. Apparently Eddie was the one sending the creepy letters about waiting for Daisy in the dark, eeeek!
ew lmao and then he's like "Feel my hot breath on your cheek." eeegh.
More pieces are put together. sure is jigsaw puzzle in here. Eddie's evidently a little pissed about what happened to Boss. He likes Boss a lot, says he was a great man. Daisy's like "wtf he's a character."
oh well, I guess it's time for this drink again. This drink laced with something that's prooobably cyanide! Eddie goes over and tries to convince Daisy to take a sip. For Boss's sake. ooooh. "You must think I'm insane," she says. Eddie just tells her that "You made up the game." oh, okay. It's like Candy Land, then! yaaaaay colors and sweet things yaaaaaaaay
ohhhhhh what's she gonna doooooooooo
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SNAP
lmao I can't believe this was the only screenshot I could get of this.
GRRR YOU THREW BOOZE IN MY FACE I AM MAAAAAAAAAAAAD
In one of Daisy's rare and shining moments of badassery, she looks Eddie in the eye and says, "Go ahead." ooooooooh.
Eddie's still like "I'm gonna stand here just like this and dramatically hold this gun to your head" and then ROBBIE CALLS! OH GOSH. And they both look at the phone and he's leaving a message about WHERE TO FIND THE GUNNNNNNN! AAAAAAAH HE KEEPS IT WITH THE FISHING TACKLE because if there's anything that Denny Crane taught us, it's that it's always more effective to shoot fish instead of catch them.
and Daisy's response to this is just, "He'll call back." lmfao, what? all right.
Thanks to Daisy saying that, Eddie figures now's a good a time as any to go cut the phone lines. He's a pretty sucky killer because why didn't he just do that before...?
Daisy then decides that it's time to get the handcuffs off, so she's messing with them and then she looks out an opposite window and
and uhhhhh, yeah, this. I don't know who told this director that DRAMATIC ZOOMS were a good idea, but obviously I hope he never directs anything ever again.
AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SEES AAAAAHHHHHH NOOOOOOO SPENCERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR AAHHHHHHHHHHHH
IT'S PHONE TIME
or it would be if she could grab it. This goes on for way too long and finally flop, she's able to get the phone out with this handy dandy folder.
I guess she dialed Robbie's number again, so... I don't know, I just don't even know. WHY WON'T YOU CALL THE POLICE, JESUS. In the time that you guys were fuckin' around with glasses of cyanide, they could've been here by now!
Is it gonna work?! Is she gonna get through?!
NOPE.
SORRY DAISYYYYYYYYYYY. you can insert a coin and try again?
and that's just what she does! She knocks over a cup of pens and stuff and VOILA! SCISSORS! YESSSSS! NOW SHE CAN HAVE A WEAPON, NOW SHE CAN
...
pick up a pen?
wat.
wat.
god, the music is so ridiculous here. Every few seconds there a dramatic "DUNNNNun" and it's just like, what the hell. WHAT THE HELL. WHY? WHYYYYYYY. GODDAMNIT WHYYYYY.
oh, the suspense is killing me!
All right, so after about 10 entire seconds of this pen thing, she's able to snap the clippy thingy off, and starts using it to try to unscrew the handle that she's cuffed to. Actually, that is smart, except why not just try to pick the lock of the handcuffs. whatever, I guess it's a good plan. I just don't know why we needed 10 ENTIRE SECONDS devoted to the liberation of the clippy thingy from its pen.
this goes on for... a while.
heyoooooo, look who's back.
this is the... key to the handcuffs. in case you were wondering. Daisy does something which is actually pretty smart, she starts faking a panic attack! And she's like, "you gotta uncuff me, I'm gonna be sick," and I guess Eddie doesn't really want to have to deal with cleaning up puke or something because he in his infinite wisdom... uncuffs her. Eddie, why are you the worst killer... ever?
Meanwhile, in the car, *gasp!* SPENCER'S ALIVE! YAAAY.
aww, but he's a little ~tied up~ at the moment! dooohohohoho!
Inside, maybe Daisy really was having a panic attack because as soon as Eddie lets her into the bathroom she starts looking for bags, and then she finds her pills.
And back in the car, Spencer takes the shark knife that he just so happened to pick up before and starts sawing away at his restraints. I don't know, I think somebody was reading ahead in the script a little bit; it's pretty god-moddy that he just so happened to take the one thing that could get him out of such a mess.
Eddie stands next to the bathroom door and says that he's getting impatient. Daisy says, "Feel free to check," but, uh, Eddie must have some kind of issue with puke or something because this is his reaction. god, seriously, are you really a killer?
Daisy empties out the powder of the pills. A good idea, this!
Eddie tells her to hurry up and just as he's about to open the door, she comes out, looking much calmer.
and then she says
"I'll take that drink now."
ohhhhhhhhh snap!
"If it's a game," she tells Eddie as he pours her a drink, again, "then we both play." He's all for it, though, so. He takes another cup out and poooours away.
"I need ice." lmfao. oyyyyy. so what does our killer do? Turns around and gets her some ice...
And in the interim, in go the anxiety pills.
And then all of a sudden, Eddie stops and turns around, and he's like, "What a shame. Just when we were beginning to trust each other." lmfao WHAT THE HELL I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW IS THERE SUCH A CONSTANT AND FLUCTUATING GAP BETWEEN SMARTS AND STUPIDITY IN THIS MOVIE AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
So he has her stand up and starts emptying her pockets. Then he finds the pills and he says, "How do you think that makes me feel?"
There's no time to answer that because Daisy snatches up her keys and triggers her car alarm.
Spencer's a little surprised by the car suddenly blaring and blinking, to say the least.
Back inside, there's a mad struggle for the car keys, and this sends them doooooown the drain. Bye bye, keys!
Eddie's mad so he just kind of randomly shoves Daisy into the wall in the most horrendously fake sequence of person-shoving I have ever seen ever.
GRRRR EDDIE WANTS THOSE KEYS.
Can you find words for how motherfucking stupid this is? I cannot.
AND THEN DAISY DIVES FOR THE POWER SWITCH AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAGGGHHHHH MY HAND! THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR BEING SUCH A STUPID SHIT!
And they really do this shot. They really really do it. It's like they said, "shit, we need something to fill 5 seconds; what'll we do?" and they decided that psuedo-gore would be the way to go. It just looks like strawberry Jell-o!
and to make things EVEN BETTER, Daisy literally just stands there going, "OH MY GODDDDD OH MY GODDDDDD."
so Eddie's like "AAAAHHHH BLOOD"
and Daisy's like "OH MY GODDDDD"
and then Eddie's like "HELP MEEEEEEEEEE"
and what does Daisy do?
she
helps
him
god I wish you could just see my face right now.
OH, RIGHT, LIKE WE COULDN'T SEE THIS COMING.
hahaha, yooou got locked in the clooooset!
Eddie goes out to shut up the car and OHOHO, Spencer's escaped!
Spencer sees the Jell-o on the faucet and gets seriously spooked. There's been cooking going on in this kitchen!!
Eddie comes back in the house, Spencer dives away into a closet, but Eddie hears the door being closed and goes over to the closet and locks it. But it's not really so much a closet as it is a way into the basement, I guess. So down Spencer goes.
Back in Daisy's Closet of Terror, she starts looking for more stuff to use, and I don't even know what the fuck this is or why it was with the dog's toys. I mean, we always keep our perilously sharp objects in the same places that we keep Kathryn's toys, what are you talking about, it's totally normal.
seriously, what the hell is this?
well, upon further inspection, it looks like it's a comb, but when was the last time any of your hair care products came shaped like pointy death sticks?
She tries to stab Eddie, but no dice, for this is a suspense movie and rule number one of suspense films is that man is always stronger than woman. Eddie gets in close and says something about how Daisy can't hurt people, teehee, and then Spencer cuts the power from downstairs. And Daisy uses this chance to kick Eddie in the crotch and run off. Or she... lmao her run is just so strange. It's like she can't decide if she wants to be an airplane or a penguin. And this baffles me because Murphy is very capable of running like a normal person and guys I miss murphy so much right now. *breaks down and sobs*
Spencer grabs a flashlight, a hammer, and a screwdriver from down in the basement. When he comes back up, he heads for the door, and decides to get out by poking the doorknob with the screwdriver. okay. you let me know how that goes.
oh god, this part.
Eddie's still in the house, looking around for Daisy, but she's hightailed it outta there and is already down at the shed on the beach.
But guess what, it's locked! Suckerrrr.
Hey, remember how one of Daisy's fears is water? Well, it's time to go in the water!
wheeeeee
okay, SCENE: my house, real world. I've paused the movie because I'm starving and I need to go get something to eat. I make bacon and eggs, and pour myself a glass of cranberry juice. I eat the bacon and eggs like it's the first meal I've had in a thousand days. I pretend the cranberry juice is alcohol. I drink very very deeply. An episode of the original Star Trek is on. I watch it, and it feels like the warmest of suns breaking out from incredibly dark clouds.
Then my meal is over, my juice depleted. I gaze back at my room. There's more to be done.
I take a deep breath. I grab more cranberry juice, and a small bar of chocolate, for luck.
I head inside and close the door. My laptop looms ominously on my bed.
Once more unto the breach, my friends. Once more unto the breach.
just keep swimming, etc.
okay, she made it, she's in the shed, hurrah. And she turns on a light.
Which is helpful for Eddie because now he knows where she is. DAISY. GOD. WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID
no, scratch that, why are all three of them so unforgivably stupid? Their intelligence fluctuates like an earthquake needle. christ.
uh oh, guess what's gone?! ROBBIE'S GUN! EEEKEKEKEKEKE
Suddenly there's rattling behind the door! Eddie's got a key for the lock! aaahhhh! Daisy ducks away into the darknessssssssssss. lmao but turns off the light before she does so.
hellooooooooo in heeeeere
"Game's over, Daisy," he says. And then he hears a splash.
ARRRR I'LL GET HERRRR
j/k, she was just chillin' in the water to send Eddie on a wild goose chase outside. *golf clap*
now it's time to grab signal flares!!
AAAHAHAHAHA
This is one of the best pieces of dialogue in the entire movie. And by best I mean *vomits*
"They say flares are dangerous," Daisy says. "They could blind you. Set you on fire."
SIGNAL FLARES: THEY COULD SET YOU ON FIRE. this has been a PSA from Footsteps.
And then she says, "The problem is, I could hurt you, but I don't want to." oyyy. So a killer's coming after you and you don't want to punch their fucking lights out. I don't know anymore, man. I just. don't know. I never knew to begin with, really. but geez.
and then finally, FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!
daisy says,
"I'm calling the police."
THANK
THE
GODS
Then Eddie drops the true bomb of the movie. The bomb of bombs. ker-plow, kaboom, et al.
"I was hired," he says.
"BY
YOUR
HUSBANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD"
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
well now they are fighting. hxc.
not so hxc for Daisy, though, because idk if you can tell from this shot but Eddie is sticking her head in the water. glblglhlhglhblghblhglbhglhbglhb
And this is Spencer tripping over his own legs as he runssssss to rescue Daisy.
He gets into the shed and Daisy's like "aagghh I can't breathe" and Eddie's like "AAARRRR I KILL YOU" and Spencer runs in, tackles Eddie, but not hard enough because Eddie just tosses him aside.
and then he hits his head on whatever this thing is an passes out. How useful.
Daisy finally gets the signal flare open but it's in the water which doesn't seem right to me because how do sparks know what water is. I don't know, but I guess maybe you can open a signal flare in the water, I did not know this, but it's live action so I trust it.
NOT.
SPAHKS IN YO FACE
OAR ATTACK
all right, now we're makin' some progress. And it only took 62 minutes.
oyyyyyy exhaustion. I feel the same way, dude. I feel the same way.
Spencer goes about tying Eddie up and says that never again will he wish he had a more dramatic life. Good choice there, son.
Daisy stands up and Eddie's like, "where are you going?" and she's like "to get warm."
hngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
okay, remember how I talked about bottles of emergency brain bleach? Well, this is the time where I grab mine. idk, you can decide whether or not you would like to use it at this juncture.
OH ACTUALLY WAIT, LMAO J/K. THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE WHOLE MOVIE. ARE YOU READY? LMAO.
so Daisy goes inside and she's like "gosh golly I'm thirsty" so
i'll give you 3 guesses what she does.
LMFAOSDHFKASHFLKHSDF
ARE
YOU
SHITTING ME WITH THIS
that is the alcohol. the alcohol laced with cyanide. I couldn't even type that without laughing so hard that I cried a little bit. or maybe I'm crying because just when I thought Daisy could not possibly become more idiotic, she did. by about 10,000 points. sigh.
yeah.
yeah.
good
fucking
job.
she immediately spits it out, washes her mouth out, grabs one of her blue water bottles from the fridge and drinks up. oy. and who even wants to drink alcohol when they're thirsty? don't normal people go for water or something?
sigh. why doesn't she even dump the alcohol out? maybe I should just stop asking questions. I won't get any answers anyway.
oh no
no
NO
NO
NO
OH YEAH
THIS IS NECESSARY
WHAT IS SHE, LIKE 57 AT THIS POINT? So this is like the equivalent of your grandmother stripping for you because your idiot friend slept with the stripper that he was supposed to hire for your bachelor party but she drugged him and took all of his money while he was passed out on his own bed. SO MUCH SQUICK I CANNOT EVEN. The whole time I was like "holy god please don't pan down PLEASE DON'T PAN DOWN" and luckily, the producers seemed to be aiming for a high TV PG because there was no pan down. But still. I can't quite... god, just... *drinks bleach*
well while that happens, she gazes at another happy picture of her and Robbie. Too bad he apparently wants her dead! hahahashkfhdfdfkdfglk
seriously okay why did they do that. were they going for sex appeal or something? sorry, there's kind of an age limit for that stuff. 57 is... a little more past the age limit that I would have liked. okay. ughgdklhfkldshfdf
Here we have a new cell phone battery. Eddie removed the other one, so yay for spares. Except it's a Motorola battery, so, good luck with that. I don't know about any of your experiences with Motorola batteries, but in my experience, they are very very bad. Also? Don't you have to, like... charge the battery before it works? How does the phone just magically turn on? oy. oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy.
oh, actually, never mind. The phone turns off after that lmao. And she's like, crap. that's better.
Spencer brings in Eddie, who's still knocked out, thank goodness, and says that it's definitely way past time to drive to the police station. But Daisy suddenly doesn't want to go, after she was almost drowned by this guy, she's like "JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO THINK IT THROUGH." Think what through? AAAARRRGGGHHH.
oh but at least she finally dumps out the alcohol.
well, eddie's awake now, and that's your fault for not just fucking going to the fucking police already.
He and Daisy go back and forth a little bit about him apparently being a hitman sent by Robbie. She's like "YOU'RE A LIAR" and he's like "lol. no. We had it all planned out. You were coming up to this house for the first time in many years. It was my job to wind you up, get rid of the dog, slip a little something in your drink so you'd pass out, and then I'd stick the gun in your hand." ta-daaaah. like magic.
Slowly but surely, Daisy begins to snap like a twig, and she takes all the bullets out of the gun only to stick one in. She walks over to the couch and there's more back-and-forth about this hitman business. Everything that Eddie says, Spencer attempts to rationalize it. He has Robbie's phone number in his wallet, but Spencer says that anybody can get a phone number. "You're happily married," he insists.
Meanwhile, Daisy's starting to look not too well. Like she's gonna pass out. And not from a panic attack.
annnd now she's on the floor. Could this possibly be because of the cyanide drink? do you think? maybe? pfff.
Daisy figures out that the cyanide was actually in her water bottle, and that it's not cyanide. It's just tranquilizers. And then magically she's all better.
Then there's some mess with the suicide note, and I still can't figure out if it's just mindgames or what, but Eddie claims that she wrote the note last year, and Robbie kept it, but then Spencer takes out one of the books and says, "no no no, they just got this out of one of your books, see? it's right here word for word" and it is, so it's all up in the air whether or not she actually wrote it. Nevertheless, her descent into insanity proceeds as normal.
yep. as normal.
Spencer tries to convince her not to do it, and then suddenly, everyone hears a car.
Now the husband's finally decided to show.
FINALLY WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH.
Robbie discovers that the house is in shambles and he's like "whaaaat the shit happened here."
And heeeeere's Daisy. Feeling pretty darkly psychotic. And with good reason, I would say.
Now, there's this whole deal with Eddie saying that Robbie was going to bring their friend, who's a judge, as a witness after Daisy was murdered. Spencer looks out the window and into Robbie's car and sees that there's no one in there. Robbie is so baffled by everything that is happening but Daisy won't budge.
Daisy asks Eddie how many rounds are in the gun. (isn't it their gun?) Six, he says.
So now it's time to play Russian Roulette, with your host, Daisy.
Robbie's not wild about this. Even more not wild about this is he when Daisy actually fires. But nothing happens. Now he's got a 1 in 5 choice, hohoho.
Daisy says "tell me the truth, have you ever thought about killing me" and Robbie's like "WAT", but then concedes that yeah, it was hard. But uh, he never thought about killing her, nope! And then Daisy's like "HE KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT US, WHAT TIME I WAS COMING, WHERE YOU KEPT THE GUN" and I just want everyone to remember that EDDIE WAS IN THE ROOM with Daisy when Robbie's call about where the gun was came in. Of course Eddie knew where the gun was!
Then we get a really fun tidbit: on the day that Robbie brought Daisy home from the hospital, she said to him that the books were killing her; she had to stop writing them. And he said that it wasn't a good idea.
and Spencer looks out the window AND GUESS WHAT THERE IS SOMEBODY IN THE CAR.
pow, she shoots him again. Nothing happens. 1 in 4. Apparently Daisy never really wanted to be writing about Jordan and Boss in the first place. ohhhh dear. In the next couple of seconds, it goes from 1 in 4 to 1 in 2! woooohooohoo! it's a party now.
And then it the last chance. Robbie admits that he was angry that Daisy wanted to stop writing the books. uh ohhhh!
Daisy sticks the gun into his back
and then
~the revelation~
"I hired him."
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SNAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
and then she shoots him.
but she never even had the gun loaded in the first place.
"Never load a gun you're not ready to use."
well how bout that.
lmao and then Spencer goes downstairs and he'd turned up the stereo before, so he turns the power back on and the stereo starts fucking blaring some kind of teenage rock music. Because Daisy listens to that all the time?
Their judge friend is like "whaaaat?"
pff, and then the weirdest fucking thing happens.
Robbie gets Daisy in a fucking headlock. Spencer sprints toward the door, but Robbie's like "STOP RIGHT THERE" and he tells Spencer to turn off the music or he'll break her neck. So he turns it off. Where did Robbie get this maneuver, anyway? Wrestling?
He then tells Spencer to load the gun and hand it over. He does.
so now Robbie's got the gun. That poor gun, it does not have a clue what it's gotten itself into.
Robbie unties Eddie and asks him if he could've screwed this up any worse. Well, probably not. But I'm not gonna make any assumptions. Robbie then tells Eddie to get rid of Daisy and Spencer. Eddie bitches and moans about it being "two for the price of one now?" ikr, how lame.
All right, now let's talk about this judge. If Robbie was aware that things weren't exactly going as planned, why would he bring a judge with him to this imminent crime scene? IDGI. and I never will get it. because it's just. plain. nonsensical.
Inside the house, Eddie and Robbie's little tiff continues, and Eddie kicks the gun toward Robbie. "You want to shoot her, then you'd better do it." lol.
Back outside, the judge hears his phone ringing from inside the car whose doors are now closed. That is one loud-ass ringtone.
Robbie really planned well for this, because he's too much of a pussy to kill everyone. So he goes up to Daisy and he asks her what she wants. "I guess counseling is out of the question," she says. And then Robbie's like "all right, we'll start with divorce. 50/50 down the middle." LMFAO. Daisy's like "DIVORCE? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? HOW ABOUT JAIL" but imho I'd be way more offended that he suggested a 50/50 split. AS IFFFFFF.
So then Robbie's like "look, nothing's gonna happen if you go to the police" and Daisy's like "I have a witness" and Robbie's like "hurrrr so do I" but then Daisy says, "Mine's a judge."
lmao. That phone call that the judge got was from Daisy. hollerrrrrr. So in a movie chok-full of dipshittery, Robbie's moronic decision to get a judge to be his witness proved to be his undoing. TA-DAAAAAAAAA.
"Game over," sayeth Daisy. yeah. that was some game, all right. just like playing E.T. for the Atari 2600.
bye bye robbie~
bye bye eddie~
but before he goes, he turns to Daisy and says, "I'm sorry I was right."
"You were right about Robbie," she says. well, yeah.
"Still believe the world can be kind?" he asks her.
I guess so.
Time to say goodbye to Spencer.
"What would she say right now?" he asks. "Jordan Steele?"
"Jordan's retired," Daisy says with a smile.
Spencer nods. "I don't blame her." He starts to wheel his bike away, but Daisy stops him.
"Spencer. She'd say you did great tonight."
Iiii would say SO. Well, aside from the time he knocked his head while you were drowning.
whatever, you know what? it's done. we're done.
IT'S OVER
Daisy walks back into the house, grabs her purse, and turns off the lamp without even batting an eye. OH HOW SHE'S GROWN.
THE
FUCKING
ENhang on wait a minute.
uhh
is that a shadow
oh what the haaaale is this now
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT?!
GET THE FUCK OUT, MOVIE. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT. I AM DONE WITH YOU. WE ARE BREAKING UP. YOU WERE THE LOUSIEST LOVER I'VE EVER HAD. GO CHOKE ON A DICK.
good.
fucking.
night.