Conscious uncoupling
Ok, ok, it may be a bit passé to make fun of 2014 Gwyneth Paltrow. But I just couldn't resist.
Yesterday was my last day at the shelter and now I have a week off before starting the new position. I intended to start doing academic work, but find I need to unwind and disengage from the shelter first. I have a tight ball of anxiety in my stomach and some understandable mixed emotions.
The staff threw a little party for me and it was sweet. Some food, a cake and flowers. No grand speeches, but loads of hugs and private good-byes at the end of the day. A few people literally said they were keeping it brief so as not to start crying. I've known some of these people for almost 14 years. And the newbies on the job were thankful I gave them a chance when hired, to learn and grow. I also received some kind words and notes from clients. And emails from colleagues were lovely.
Cake
Flowers! (taken when I got them home and into a container)
I did get one angry call from a former client who thought he could abuse me over the phone until I hung up on him. He had no idea I was leaving. So there was the shall we say "balance" and a reminder of how awful the shelter work could be. But another former client showed up to ask for a letter and it was a "wow, good thing I got here today" moment for him because nobody else would have remembered him due to staff turnover. And then, a worker from another agency showed up to follow up on his client who is one of the interns. And it turns out he was one of the people who assisted in interviewing me for the job I had just before I came to the shelter. This was in 2001. He remembered me! Someone remarked that this guy shows up when I'm making a transition. It felt poignant, at least for a moment.
So today I am trying to de-stress and disengage and give myself the space to reflect and grieve and heal before moving forward. And I guess I will need a new tag if I want to discuss work things!
I have wanted to leave for so long. Despite the lovely feelings from others and the validation of knowing I did good and worthwhile work, this job became an emotional drain. Was it because of one particularly stressful complainy hyper-critical client (dubbed "cinnamon girl" because she complained to the ED multiple times that the Chef didn't offer cinnamon whenever she wanted to make herself tea)? She was a contributing factor for sure. But I often felt like I wasn't helping people. I got into social work to help people, and instead there was a lot of combating with people when they didn't get what they wanted with housing or other things. The audit from hell in my first 3 months in the position colored the whole experience and gave me a kind of PTSD. There was practically a staff revolt at the time, and many of those people left (thankfully) either on their own or were later terminated. Those who stayed grew with me, though. Adapted to changes in leadership and expectations as we transformed a problematic program into a real team. So I am proud of that.
Then there was the recent wave of audits from the State and various City agencies that just made me weary. Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo are having a bitch-fight that puts shelter operators in the middle. Plus, clients could make complaints out of left field and even with the best of supports you can be left feeling under a kind of constant attack even though you know you've done nothing wrong. Then there was the whole being on-call thing, and young immature staff who don't know it's for building emergencies not their own emotional crises. Actual building emergencies that meant relaxation and focus on my personal life was often robbed from me. Knowing that an oncoming snowstorm meant cajoling and ensuring essential staff to ensure they made it into work by any means possible. Being constantly on the hook for money expended waiting for reimbursement because our petty cash was so meager. (As of right now I am owed $500).
These things just wore me down.
So it was gratifying to know so many people really thought I did a great job and deserved to get a promotion. That I learned and accomplished things and gained the respect of many people. A few City employees privately said they would remember me as "one of the best" and one top official lamented my decision to go because "we need people like you in direct service!"
It was only when I interviewed for other jobs that I realized just how much was put on my plate. I think people thought I was making it up. And I felt a sense of accomplishment. If there's one thing I don't suffer from, that's imposter syndrome. But I did feel a little bit of an imposter holding my head up every day and diving into the work when my heart was saying "Get me the f*ck out of here." I even sort of lied a little to my boss when he and I met about the new position. I told him I didn't hate working at the shelter, concealed how miserable I truly was feeling. But he must have known. He MUST have. Because he repeated several times that the agency didn't want to lose me.
And so it seems that all my efforts were recognized by him and our ED, as I take on this bigger role. A different role. To be sure I grilled my boss about what the pressures are in the new position so I wasn't stepping out of the frying pan into the fire. And we will see how things turn out. But I believe him. And I like and trust him. And I needed this. I needed this change and it came just as I resigned myself to perhaps not finding something this year.
It's funny. When I was promoted from my first position to the Director position back in 2011, a cantankerous Director of another shelter said to me "Congratulations. You know it's a thankless job." Two days ago she sent me a lovely good-bye email and I reminded her of that. I asked her if it was so thankless, why is she still doing it after 15+ years?" She said she would answer tomorrow. And I never got a follow-up response. Perhaps she doesn't even know herself. Some people get stuck. Some people resign themselves to situations they don't like. Some people like being unhappy. Some people are less unhappy than they think. Perhaps it's one of those reasons? But I am a Slytherin and have never been one to take things lying down, to not push onward and upward for my own benefit and self-preservation. Still, there are people I will miss - more than I thought I would. And change is never easy, even when it's desired.
So today I purge and detach. And apparently take a swipe at poor pompous Ms. Paltrow. :-P
Yesterday was my last day at the shelter and now I have a week off before starting the new position. I intended to start doing academic work, but find I need to unwind and disengage from the shelter first. I have a tight ball of anxiety in my stomach and some understandable mixed emotions.
The staff threw a little party for me and it was sweet. Some food, a cake and flowers. No grand speeches, but loads of hugs and private good-byes at the end of the day. A few people literally said they were keeping it brief so as not to start crying. I've known some of these people for almost 14 years. And the newbies on the job were thankful I gave them a chance when hired, to learn and grow. I also received some kind words and notes from clients. And emails from colleagues were lovely.
Cake
Flowers! (taken when I got them home and into a container)
I did get one angry call from a former client who thought he could abuse me over the phone until I hung up on him. He had no idea I was leaving. So there was the shall we say "balance" and a reminder of how awful the shelter work could be. But another former client showed up to ask for a letter and it was a "wow, good thing I got here today" moment for him because nobody else would have remembered him due to staff turnover. And then, a worker from another agency showed up to follow up on his client who is one of the interns. And it turns out he was one of the people who assisted in interviewing me for the job I had just before I came to the shelter. This was in 2001. He remembered me! Someone remarked that this guy shows up when I'm making a transition. It felt poignant, at least for a moment.
So today I am trying to de-stress and disengage and give myself the space to reflect and grieve and heal before moving forward. And I guess I will need a new tag if I want to discuss work things!
I have wanted to leave for so long. Despite the lovely feelings from others and the validation of knowing I did good and worthwhile work, this job became an emotional drain. Was it because of one particularly stressful complainy hyper-critical client (dubbed "cinnamon girl" because she complained to the ED multiple times that the Chef didn't offer cinnamon whenever she wanted to make herself tea)? She was a contributing factor for sure. But I often felt like I wasn't helping people. I got into social work to help people, and instead there was a lot of combating with people when they didn't get what they wanted with housing or other things. The audit from hell in my first 3 months in the position colored the whole experience and gave me a kind of PTSD. There was practically a staff revolt at the time, and many of those people left (thankfully) either on their own or were later terminated. Those who stayed grew with me, though. Adapted to changes in leadership and expectations as we transformed a problematic program into a real team. So I am proud of that.
Then there was the recent wave of audits from the State and various City agencies that just made me weary. Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo are having a bitch-fight that puts shelter operators in the middle. Plus, clients could make complaints out of left field and even with the best of supports you can be left feeling under a kind of constant attack even though you know you've done nothing wrong. Then there was the whole being on-call thing, and young immature staff who don't know it's for building emergencies not their own emotional crises. Actual building emergencies that meant relaxation and focus on my personal life was often robbed from me. Knowing that an oncoming snowstorm meant cajoling and ensuring essential staff to ensure they made it into work by any means possible. Being constantly on the hook for money expended waiting for reimbursement because our petty cash was so meager. (As of right now I am owed $500).
These things just wore me down.
So it was gratifying to know so many people really thought I did a great job and deserved to get a promotion. That I learned and accomplished things and gained the respect of many people. A few City employees privately said they would remember me as "one of the best" and one top official lamented my decision to go because "we need people like you in direct service!"
It was only when I interviewed for other jobs that I realized just how much was put on my plate. I think people thought I was making it up. And I felt a sense of accomplishment. If there's one thing I don't suffer from, that's imposter syndrome. But I did feel a little bit of an imposter holding my head up every day and diving into the work when my heart was saying "Get me the f*ck out of here." I even sort of lied a little to my boss when he and I met about the new position. I told him I didn't hate working at the shelter, concealed how miserable I truly was feeling. But he must have known. He MUST have. Because he repeated several times that the agency didn't want to lose me.
And so it seems that all my efforts were recognized by him and our ED, as I take on this bigger role. A different role. To be sure I grilled my boss about what the pressures are in the new position so I wasn't stepping out of the frying pan into the fire. And we will see how things turn out. But I believe him. And I like and trust him. And I needed this. I needed this change and it came just as I resigned myself to perhaps not finding something this year.
It's funny. When I was promoted from my first position to the Director position back in 2011, a cantankerous Director of another shelter said to me "Congratulations. You know it's a thankless job." Two days ago she sent me a lovely good-bye email and I reminded her of that. I asked her if it was so thankless, why is she still doing it after 15+ years?" She said she would answer tomorrow. And I never got a follow-up response. Perhaps she doesn't even know herself. Some people get stuck. Some people resign themselves to situations they don't like. Some people like being unhappy. Some people are less unhappy than they think. Perhaps it's one of those reasons? But I am a Slytherin and have never been one to take things lying down, to not push onward and upward for my own benefit and self-preservation. Still, there are people I will miss - more than I thought I would. And change is never easy, even when it's desired.
So today I purge and detach. And apparently take a swipe at poor pompous Ms. Paltrow. :-P