(no subject)
Okay, well, as many of you know, I haven't been doing well at all lately. Last night and today better have been the bottom. You never know though, do you? Even when you think it couldn't possibly get any worse.
Yesterday, in class, I felt like I was either going to start bawling or throw up and I don't even know why. It isn't anything from the outside. I feel like I've resolved all those issues. I am over Will. Crashing off of these meds has been disastrous. I'm done seeing a doctor who might not possibly be able to fuck me up any more. There was that surgery with the wrong care instructions which ended me in the ER after the removal of stitches....there were two years of screwed up PAP smears.....years of complaining of headaches without having him ever make the association with my medications, only telling me that it's okay if ibruprofen makes them go away.....saying it's fine to stay on the depo shot, despite the fact that it's breaking down my bones, and NOT telling me that you're supposed to take Calcium with this drug (I found out today)....telling me to go cold turkey on a medicine that can make you suicidal....
At 3:00 p.m. today, I took myself to the counseling center to get an admission appointment to the psychiatrist on campus. They immediately sent me over to the Campus Health center after setting up an appointment with the psychiatrist. Campus Health put me immediately back on the drugs that I need to function normally. Luckily, they weren't too expensive either - only $13 at WalMart pharmacy. Jacki drove me. I am in no condition to be behind the wheel of a car, no to mention the fact that I also no longer have a driver's liscence - I lost that this weekend rocking out/partying...but that's another story.
So, I think my prognosis is looking up. I have been a horrible person lately - self-centered, mean, a bitch. I can think of nothing but myself. School is going horribly. Of course, I still have homework to do for tomorrow. I don't know if there's any chance of that actually happening. Actually, I'm supposed to write this personal history on depression. Is right now a very good time to do that? It's debatable.
Anyway...I can't sit here any more. Thanks to the few of you who still give a damn. These lyrics hit me pretty hard, so I posted them...
Deep Water
Jewel
When you find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky but your heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to scrape yourself up
But you keep seeping out like cheap gin through a broken cup
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion and the cruelty of everyone else
And when you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
When you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
Love, love, it's nothing without love
When you realize your only friend
Has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end
And you wake up to see all your dreams have been compromised
Our standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made
We sacrifice our pride, compromised our health
We must demand more, not of each other, but more from ourselves
*chorus*
Yesterday, in class, I felt like I was either going to start bawling or throw up and I don't even know why. It isn't anything from the outside. I feel like I've resolved all those issues. I am over Will. Crashing off of these meds has been disastrous. I'm done seeing a doctor who might not possibly be able to fuck me up any more. There was that surgery with the wrong care instructions which ended me in the ER after the removal of stitches....there were two years of screwed up PAP smears.....years of complaining of headaches without having him ever make the association with my medications, only telling me that it's okay if ibruprofen makes them go away.....saying it's fine to stay on the depo shot, despite the fact that it's breaking down my bones, and NOT telling me that you're supposed to take Calcium with this drug (I found out today)....telling me to go cold turkey on a medicine that can make you suicidal....
At 3:00 p.m. today, I took myself to the counseling center to get an admission appointment to the psychiatrist on campus. They immediately sent me over to the Campus Health center after setting up an appointment with the psychiatrist. Campus Health put me immediately back on the drugs that I need to function normally. Luckily, they weren't too expensive either - only $13 at WalMart pharmacy. Jacki drove me. I am in no condition to be behind the wheel of a car, no to mention the fact that I also no longer have a driver's liscence - I lost that this weekend rocking out/partying...but that's another story.
So, I think my prognosis is looking up. I have been a horrible person lately - self-centered, mean, a bitch. I can think of nothing but myself. School is going horribly. Of course, I still have homework to do for tomorrow. I don't know if there's any chance of that actually happening. Actually, I'm supposed to write this personal history on depression. Is right now a very good time to do that? It's debatable.
Anyway...I can't sit here any more. Thanks to the few of you who still give a damn. These lyrics hit me pretty hard, so I posted them...
Deep Water
Jewel
When you find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky but your heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to scrape yourself up
But you keep seeping out like cheap gin through a broken cup
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion and the cruelty of everyone else
And when you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
When you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
Love, love, it's nothing without love
When you realize your only friend
Has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end
And you wake up to see all your dreams have been compromised
Our standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made
We sacrifice our pride, compromised our health
We must demand more, not of each other, but more from ourselves
*chorus*