Tripping the Wire
I thought I was doing pretty good.
So I had a delayed reaction when I punched myself square in the face.
Hey. *blinks* My nose is bleeding. Did I do that? Orz?
So yeah, I did that. Same old trap. Fell into it again with my eyes so wide open I must have been delirious to mistake it for something else, like, say, enthusiasm.
I wanted to create stuff for the Artsy Comics Fair thing. And I started on works skipping with joy and then I changed my mind. And changed my mind. And changed my mind. And changed my mind - yes I’m a broken record.
END RESULT : Gin got none. Naything.
And then my computer kept screwing up (and it’s brand new…) and I was so discouraged I didn’t even print any of my old stuff.
Altogether, that upset me so much more than I thought it would. It was nothing short of disillusioning because for all its obviousness, I did not see it coming.
I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for the same old same old and the FIRST THING I DO is just that.
So I have felt physically unwell since friday. I’m without doubt that was the reason. I felt gloriously stupid while my friends were at least showing their worth or having a good time Saturday at the fair, but I just couldn’t push myself to go this time and pretend the feelings weren’t there. All I would be feeling would be great discomfort and shame. Going would just have added more salt to the wound.
I also really did not want to spoil a celebration for a friend, since she got some awesome news and really, my sour face would not be helping because I honestly couldn’t smile at all.
But there is still somewhat of a bright side. I’m not all complaints. No really.
I can’t turn back time, but I did try really hard all day to actively change my thoughts and feelings instead of letting them drag me down even further.
I tried to be forgiving, understanding and stern and at the very end of the day it worked and I got back to a more positive mindset.
I listened endlessly to Uthul Khulture by Sephiroth to kick my ass into gear and, miraculously continued with new bravado on Nano somewhere after midnight.
I wrote the biggest pile of crap ever, but at least I wrote instead of giving up. I’m nearing 7000 words now. I CANNOT tell myself, or anyone else, that I’m not trying. Quality or no.
I also wrote up a little plan to get me out of the ‘I can’t draw/write worth shit’ mill instead of devoting another sunday to listless apathy. Well one’s already in the works. I didn’t have to add anything to the Nano plan apart from reinforcing the ‘I SHALL NOT QUIT.’
No idea whether it will work at all, but a bad/obvious plan is still better than no plan and hope for the best.
But hopeful at least, I am.
To put an end to this neverending story.
On a sidenote:
I’m sorry I don’t comment much, but I can’t muster the energy and words right now.
I don’t think my words matter that much either way. They do not seem to offer any support or comfort of value.
Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to focus on myself for while instead of trying to make others feel better.
So I had a delayed reaction when I punched myself square in the face.
Hey. *blinks* My nose is bleeding. Did I do that? Orz?
So yeah, I did that. Same old trap. Fell into it again with my eyes so wide open I must have been delirious to mistake it for something else, like, say, enthusiasm.
I wanted to create stuff for the Artsy Comics Fair thing. And I started on works skipping with joy and then I changed my mind. And changed my mind. And changed my mind. And changed my mind - yes I’m a broken record.
END RESULT : Gin got none. Naything.
And then my computer kept screwing up (and it’s brand new…) and I was so discouraged I didn’t even print any of my old stuff.
Altogether, that upset me so much more than I thought it would. It was nothing short of disillusioning because for all its obviousness, I did not see it coming.
I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for the same old same old and the FIRST THING I DO is just that.
So I have felt physically unwell since friday. I’m without doubt that was the reason. I felt gloriously stupid while my friends were at least showing their worth or having a good time Saturday at the fair, but I just couldn’t push myself to go this time and pretend the feelings weren’t there. All I would be feeling would be great discomfort and shame. Going would just have added more salt to the wound.
I also really did not want to spoil a celebration for a friend, since she got some awesome news and really, my sour face would not be helping because I honestly couldn’t smile at all.
But there is still somewhat of a bright side. I’m not all complaints. No really.
I can’t turn back time, but I did try really hard all day to actively change my thoughts and feelings instead of letting them drag me down even further.
I tried to be forgiving, understanding and stern and at the very end of the day it worked and I got back to a more positive mindset.
I listened endlessly to Uthul Khulture by Sephiroth to kick my ass into gear and, miraculously continued with new bravado on Nano somewhere after midnight.
I wrote the biggest pile of crap ever, but at least I wrote instead of giving up. I’m nearing 7000 words now. I CANNOT tell myself, or anyone else, that I’m not trying. Quality or no.
I also wrote up a little plan to get me out of the ‘I can’t draw/write worth shit’ mill instead of devoting another sunday to listless apathy. Well one’s already in the works. I didn’t have to add anything to the Nano plan apart from reinforcing the ‘I SHALL NOT QUIT.’
No idea whether it will work at all, but a bad/obvious plan is still better than no plan and hope for the best.
But hopeful at least, I am.
To put an end to this neverending story.
On a sidenote:
I’m sorry I don’t comment much, but I can’t muster the energy and words right now.
I don’t think my words matter that much either way. They do not seem to offer any support or comfort of value.
Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to focus on myself for while instead of trying to make others feel better.