A Journey Worth Taking...
The reason why I am journaling again, the TRUE reason is because it was suggested to me as a means to help my stress, thus helping my insomnia as well. For some reason (not sure if it is narcissism or not) I always want to write as if someone else was going to read it, thus reading me. I will know how much I have grown as a person if I am just able to let that feeling go and write from my soul. Speak from my heart. Not caring if I look somehow jaded, or shallow, silly or whatever. I need to learn how to let go and just "be" if I am going to make this journey worth while.
I am going to restart this journal simply, with a no-nonsense approach in hopes that I can open up and let go the more and more I write and discover what is truly getting to me.
Jeff is now asleep, as is Izzy. Izzy took a while to calm down. He goes through a crazy manic phase from about 10:30 at night for a while where he runs about the house, barking at what I believe to be nothing. What do I know? There may be a lot going on in that tiny little head of his.
As I am writing this I can't help but to think back about 13 years ago or more, how I used to stay up at night while Jon was really sick. I always used to believe that was the time I used to grab my piece of solace. Jon was asleep, both Brandon and Sammantha were soundly asleep as well....and, there I sat, totally awake while not having to worry about or take care of anyone. I would just zone out to the T.V. almost as if I was lost in it. There, I did not have to think about the reality that was my life.
I would use that time to "let down". However, the more and more I reflect on the time, the more and more I wonder if it was truly about destressing, or more of a way to punish myself or wallow in self pity? For what, exactly? Hopefully I will find that out the more and more I write.
This evening seemed to be like many evenings from the past (seeming a lifetime ago). The house is calm, the neighborhood enveloped in blackness and yet, here I sit......by the flicker of light coming from the T.V. What is on it? I am really not paying close attention. I just like the background noise, as if to drown out my own thoughts. I try to convince myself that this is my calm, yet the more and more I take a long hard look from the outside, I see an anxious, scared, stressed and lone spirit. I found myself tonight (as like the years in the past) eating. Eating just because. Not out of hunger (at least not in the literal sense) but, just because. I used to do this A LOT years ago and I have found myself becoming more and more aware of falling back into that same pattern.
Hopefully, as I walk through all of this I will find where that need comes from, as well as the need to remain awake when all the world is asleep. It is lonely at night....
I am going to restart this journal simply, with a no-nonsense approach in hopes that I can open up and let go the more and more I write and discover what is truly getting to me.
Jeff is now asleep, as is Izzy. Izzy took a while to calm down. He goes through a crazy manic phase from about 10:30 at night for a while where he runs about the house, barking at what I believe to be nothing. What do I know? There may be a lot going on in that tiny little head of his.
As I am writing this I can't help but to think back about 13 years ago or more, how I used to stay up at night while Jon was really sick. I always used to believe that was the time I used to grab my piece of solace. Jon was asleep, both Brandon and Sammantha were soundly asleep as well....and, there I sat, totally awake while not having to worry about or take care of anyone. I would just zone out to the T.V. almost as if I was lost in it. There, I did not have to think about the reality that was my life.
I would use that time to "let down". However, the more and more I reflect on the time, the more and more I wonder if it was truly about destressing, or more of a way to punish myself or wallow in self pity? For what, exactly? Hopefully I will find that out the more and more I write.
This evening seemed to be like many evenings from the past (seeming a lifetime ago). The house is calm, the neighborhood enveloped in blackness and yet, here I sit......by the flicker of light coming from the T.V. What is on it? I am really not paying close attention. I just like the background noise, as if to drown out my own thoughts. I try to convince myself that this is my calm, yet the more and more I take a long hard look from the outside, I see an anxious, scared, stressed and lone spirit. I found myself tonight (as like the years in the past) eating. Eating just because. Not out of hunger (at least not in the literal sense) but, just because. I used to do this A LOT years ago and I have found myself becoming more and more aware of falling back into that same pattern.
Hopefully, as I walk through all of this I will find where that need comes from, as well as the need to remain awake when all the world is asleep. It is lonely at night....