A Letter To Kim Beazley
Dear Mr Beazley,
After your recent press release on Australian values, some will suggest that you are being xenophobic. I, however, think it is a fantastic idea to require tourists sign a statement agreeing to uphold Australian values. Sure, there may be some tourists who will need to be strip-searched to ensure they aren't smuggling any of their foreign values in with them, but it's a small price to pay for freedom. Those fancy drug-detecting machines could be reconfigured to detect traces of hubris on the baggage of American tourists, or Islamofascism on the satchels of Asians.
Your proposal could also save us international embarrassment. Many backpackers come to our country unaware of our Australian custom of murdering backpackers. If they were required to sign a form accepting these values, innocent Aussie loners wouldn't have to suffer the indignation of bereaved foreign relatives braying for their blood in tabloid newspapers for simply practising their Aussie way of life. "I'm sorry Mrs Falconio, but your son signed the form agreeing to respect Australian values. It’s our way of life."
I can see how your proposal would make Australians safer. Imagine if the 9/11 terrorists were faced with such a document on arrival in America. They would have had no choice but to not sign and return to their caves, rather than importing their foreign values of binge drinking and killing civilians.
In narrowly focussing on tourists, however, the real issue could be missed: the danger of the enemy within. How about a proposal that babies sign an Australian values agreement upon birth? At the very least, parents should be required to sign an Australian Parental Values Agreement, stating they will raise their children to play footy, drink VB and racially taunt touring cricket sides. As a new father myself, I am confident that I can instil these values in young Rory, but I'm not so sure about Mrs al-Hillah from parents' group.
My wife takes little interest in politics. When I outlined your proposal to her, she exclaimed, "Oh my God, that is so depressing." I think she wasn't previously aware that foreigners entered our country. It certainly is a chilling thought.
If you need any more policy advice, please feel free to contact me. My rates are better than whoever is currently rifling through John Howard's bin for you.
Yours Sincerely, etc.
After your recent press release on Australian values, some will suggest that you are being xenophobic. I, however, think it is a fantastic idea to require tourists sign a statement agreeing to uphold Australian values. Sure, there may be some tourists who will need to be strip-searched to ensure they aren't smuggling any of their foreign values in with them, but it's a small price to pay for freedom. Those fancy drug-detecting machines could be reconfigured to detect traces of hubris on the baggage of American tourists, or Islamofascism on the satchels of Asians.
Your proposal could also save us international embarrassment. Many backpackers come to our country unaware of our Australian custom of murdering backpackers. If they were required to sign a form accepting these values, innocent Aussie loners wouldn't have to suffer the indignation of bereaved foreign relatives braying for their blood in tabloid newspapers for simply practising their Aussie way of life. "I'm sorry Mrs Falconio, but your son signed the form agreeing to respect Australian values. It’s our way of life."
I can see how your proposal would make Australians safer. Imagine if the 9/11 terrorists were faced with such a document on arrival in America. They would have had no choice but to not sign and return to their caves, rather than importing their foreign values of binge drinking and killing civilians.
In narrowly focussing on tourists, however, the real issue could be missed: the danger of the enemy within. How about a proposal that babies sign an Australian values agreement upon birth? At the very least, parents should be required to sign an Australian Parental Values Agreement, stating they will raise their children to play footy, drink VB and racially taunt touring cricket sides. As a new father myself, I am confident that I can instil these values in young Rory, but I'm not so sure about Mrs al-Hillah from parents' group.
My wife takes little interest in politics. When I outlined your proposal to her, she exclaimed, "Oh my God, that is so depressing." I think she wasn't previously aware that foreigners entered our country. It certainly is a chilling thought.
If you need any more policy advice, please feel free to contact me. My rates are better than whoever is currently rifling through John Howard's bin for you.
Yours Sincerely, etc.