Life, for the better
Never thought I would see this thing again. I thought for sure after more than 2 years it would have been deleted...
Anyway I was just browsing the internet and stumbled upon my livejournal and it made me laugh. I decided to read some of my entries from atleast three years ago... I can't believe how much of a complainer I used to be. I guess after everything I've been through during these past three years I've learned to appreciate life more.
So i guess to update.. I'm a second semester freshman at Rhode Island College now. I'm a music major and I absolutely love it. As I've said before, music is my passion, it's something that has been part of my life since I was very little. I can't picture myself being happier studying anything else.
I am living on campus and I really enjoy the sense of indepence it has given me. I can honestly say it has made me a more responsible person. Theres no one there telling me what I need to be doing with myself, my actions are all my own decisions, theres no running to mom or dad (not that I used to anyway), its just all on me. Therefore, I need to make sure I make the right decisions so I don't slip up. I've been doing a pretty good job so far. I mean I've passed the "teen rebellion" phase of my life already... the whole experimenting with drugs, alcohol, sex, etc... I've been there, done that two years ago and I don't need it anymore.
I'm going to be honest, I have regrets, but I am glad to have them (as odd as that sounds). If it wasn't for the stupid decisions I made in the past, the transition into college probably would have been more difficult for me. Thankfully since I've already experimented I can focus on what I need to rather than feeling as if I need to do certain things to fit in. I wouldnt be the person I am today. I am really lucky.
College, I feel, has also brought me closer to my family. Since I'm not living at home anymore, the time I spend with them on the weekends means a lot to me. I can actually talk to my parents now about topics I never thought I would have. Its not that my parents never wanted to talk to me, I just really took many things for granted years ago. But being away from them made me realize how much they, along with all my sisters, mean to me and how they deserve to know some of the things that goes on in my life.
I must say, I do like the person I've become. Not only has my relationship with my parents grown, but so has my relationship with God. When I hit rock bottom about a year ago thinking there was nothing left for me in life, He proved me wrong.
I resorted to everything material to try to satisfy the emptiness I felt within myself. That was when my "experimental phase" was more than just to fit in, it was because I felt I needed to do those things to make me feel better. What I found, however, was that all those things were only temporary. A temporary high. A temporary happiness. I was lying to myself, and the worst thing about it was that I knew it. It got to the point that because I knew what I was doing was only temporary, I began to still feel empty even when I did those things. Eventually, I felt like I had nothing left. I began to question my reasons for being here, I even began to question whether God was real.
I cried myself to sleep everynight. I didn't know what to do with myself. It was at that point when I made a decision that would change me. I figured I had absolutely nothing left to lose, so I made a bargain with God. That night in November was the first time I spoke to God in months. Being raised in a Christian house, this was pretty big. But I prayed that night. I told Him, "God if You are real, show me. Give me a reason why I should turn to you. Prove to me why I should put my trust in only You."
I fell asleep that night not really knowing what to expect. I thought that I was just kidding myself, but there was a small part of me that was really hoping God would show me He was real. I felt like if nothing else, He would find a way to satisfy my emptiness.
I'll have you know about a week and a half later I was approached by an old friend at church who happens to lead the praise & worship team for the youth. He took me aside and told me "Ashley, I really don't know why or what is leading me to ask you this, but you have been put on my heart lately and I want you to join the ministry. I want you to play keyboard with our band, if its something you would be interested in."
I couldn't believe it. He said he didn't know why I was put on his heart lately, but I knew exactly why. I took that as my sign, I took it as God showing me how real He is and how if I put my trust in Him, He'll lift me back up on my feet.
Needless to say I agreed, joined the band, rededicated my relationship with God, and right away I could see my life turning around. Things just began to go my way again. Never did I ever imagine that I would experience the grace of God like I did. Not only did He give me an opportunity to get back in line with Him, but the opportunity He gave me involved music-- my passion.
It really is amazing to know that you can always turn to Him. I'm not going to lie though, its not like I prayed to Him that one time and everything has been fine and dandy since. Its not like that at all, actually...
Everyday we are faced with trials and tribulations where choices are to be made. I was given many opportunities to slip up again, but I began to realize that these were put in front of me as a test. To remind me that I should always follow Him. To be honest, I have since slipped up, but never as bad as I was back in November of 2006. No where near actually because I would realize that I would began to slip but immediately would turn to God again just asking for help and strength to get through the trials.
I'm not saying that God put these trials in front of us. By no means does He have any desire for us to make wrong decisions or for us to be hurt or fall apart. Thats all the devil. But God, however, used these trials to remind us to follow Him, to put our trust in Him. I have experienced this first hand. I've learned that if I just depend on God, He will provide, He will make things better.
He as also recently showed me that if I lose something that is a big part of my life, if I continue to follow Him, He will replace it with something even better. Never ever will He take something away from us if there wasn't something better out there.
I recently had to step down from the youth music ministry at church. I was really upset over this because it has really become a big part of my life over this past year. I mean, God brought me into the ministry to prove Himself to me, that was when everything began to look up. I couldnt understand why He would have me leave if it meant so much to me.
I began to get upset and have thoughts that I know I shouldnt have, but I was again reminded of His grace. A scripture popped into my head that day, one that really means a lot, especially regarding my situation... "For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". -Jeremiah 29:11
A good number of people have since approached me, encouraging me not to be upset because they know just as well as I do that God is only preparing me for something greater. This is all just putting my faith into practice. I will admit I was skeptical at first, but just thinking back to how good He has been to me in the past, it is something I am willing to do. Honestly, I am excited and can't wait to see what God has instore for my life.
Just one last update before I sign off tonite... my family adopted two 2 1/2 year old Golden Retriever brothers today. Their names are Sam and Gus. Ever since Baxter passed away last winter at age 13, we have all really missed having a dog in our house, and have especially missed the "click-clicking" of their nails with each step on our hardwood floors. After nine or so months my family finally agreed it was time. We have been looking at various animal adoption agencies online and fell in love with these two dogs when we saw them. The family they were raised with had to give them up due to allergies but really wanted to see them adopted together. Let me tell you, these two pups are amazing, a great addition to our family. We couldn't be any happier. =)