What have I become my dear Friend?
I never thought I will get to the point of such cynical distrust of people bordering on fear mixed with insane insecurity... I have been having hellish two damn years and I was forced pretty much to finally hit pause. Medical reasons, like my body finally collapsed catching up with my weakened mind and soul... I have been pretty much ordered 6 whole months to get stronger, regroup, as I had bad results to blood tests... I suppose on a logical level I understand it makes perfect sense, I need it... I need to get my mind, my body and soul to rest, REALLY rest, and just get stronger in every way possible. I feel and look and am fragile and bone tired. This kind of fatigue is not something you can sleep off... It's like it's in every cell of my body, and it actually IS. According to my blood my whole body is extremely weak. I know it, I feel it. As is everything else about me... And still it pisses me off so much that I have to hit this pause, though I don't know what kept me going so far anyway, I felt I was running of fumes and it just caught up with me... I know it's what I truly need in every way, angry as it may make me... I wish I knew how to actually get "stronger"... I am trying to stay very calm, rest a lot, take better care of myself... still so far feel messed up. Very! But I have a lot of time ahead of me.... ( Unfortunately and fortunately). I am really doing my best at the moment like never before... I am exhausted in every way, I am weak, I am wrecked...I have to find hope I will get though it all and manage this whole "getting better and stronger" thing...