holidays
there are times that facebook is just too public for your thoughts.
All week Mom and I have struggled with sorrow. Each of us separately have been dreaming about Dad, my brother and Steve. We are going to my other brother's home for dinner and all I can think about tonight is how much my brother who died would have given to be able to share a meal with his brother. Harold Wayne wanted my brother to spend Christmas with us so badly and because of stupid past rifts my brother wouldn't come to the house. He nearly broke my Dad and Harold Wayne's hearts.
Although I am grateful for my Mom's sake that my brother has asked us to share dinner with him, it is so hard for me to even think about going there.
I remember last thanksgiving, we were so broke that I was sewing around the clock on curtains for a neighbor to get money for the coming week for gas to get Dad and Harold Wayne to doctor appts. What it would have meant to us to have had some kindness or generosity from my brother and his wife then.
I know as a christian I am cautioned to forgive and to treat others with love and understanding. I am truly grateful that my brother is making an effort to spend time with my mother - it's just hard tonight to forget the past especially when I miss them so badly it is this constant ache inside me.
It seems as if all I have done since my Steve died is watch those I love the most die. I have lost Dad, Harold WAyne, Corinne and 3 close Eastern Star friends since January.
Tonight is one of my really low points - I am just thankful that Mom is house sitting tonight and I can cry as loudly as I want to.
The middle of the night can really suck - it is the time when you need the most to talk to someone and the one time you don't dare call anyone.
Maybe,I'll just pour a glass of wine and get a little sloshed. Would it make tomorrow easier if I'm slightly hungover????
All week Mom and I have struggled with sorrow. Each of us separately have been dreaming about Dad, my brother and Steve. We are going to my other brother's home for dinner and all I can think about tonight is how much my brother who died would have given to be able to share a meal with his brother. Harold Wayne wanted my brother to spend Christmas with us so badly and because of stupid past rifts my brother wouldn't come to the house. He nearly broke my Dad and Harold Wayne's hearts.
Although I am grateful for my Mom's sake that my brother has asked us to share dinner with him, it is so hard for me to even think about going there.
I remember last thanksgiving, we were so broke that I was sewing around the clock on curtains for a neighbor to get money for the coming week for gas to get Dad and Harold Wayne to doctor appts. What it would have meant to us to have had some kindness or generosity from my brother and his wife then.
I know as a christian I am cautioned to forgive and to treat others with love and understanding. I am truly grateful that my brother is making an effort to spend time with my mother - it's just hard tonight to forget the past especially when I miss them so badly it is this constant ache inside me.
It seems as if all I have done since my Steve died is watch those I love the most die. I have lost Dad, Harold WAyne, Corinne and 3 close Eastern Star friends since January.
Tonight is one of my really low points - I am just thankful that Mom is house sitting tonight and I can cry as loudly as I want to.
The middle of the night can really suck - it is the time when you need the most to talk to someone and the one time you don't dare call anyone.
Maybe,I'll just pour a glass of wine and get a little sloshed. Would it make tomorrow easier if I'm slightly hungover????