why do you build me up?
I just saw Aida a little while ago. God was it so fucking awkward, especially since her boyfriend and friend (who doesn't like me) were here as well. I don't know what's going on with me. I was so happy that Aida and I were becoming good friends, and then today she gets mad at me and says I don't try, just like I never tried when we were together. She wanted me to find a ride to meet her at the Willow House, but I couldn't, and it's like she wouldn't beleive me and didn't think I was trying to make an effort to see her. We just kept arguing over the phone, and I was at Nick's 24/7 Pizza with my friends, and I just ended up losing my appetite because I was so frustrated and upset about the whole argument and reason Aida was upset.
I hate feeling this way, and I hate myself for feeling this way. It's a fucking emotional rollercoaster. I was feeling so good about everything; I was beginning to think positively about the future. And then one single thing and it's like I just kicked in the back, and I'm back down on the ground.
God, I guess that's just how much I really care about and love Aida. She still has so much power over me and my emotions. She can still make me feel so incredibly happy, and also make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. It hurts me so much to see her unhappy. And here I am, crying the most I have probably since everything happened.
I mean, she still ended up coming over to my house to see me for a bit, but it was just so awkward. And then, the hugs just didn't feel the same; it didn't feel like they even meant anything. It felt like the hug was almost like a formal or obliged hug. And then as she was leaving, I tried to kiss her on the cheek, but it seemed like she just wanted to avoid it.
Another thing I've noticed is that it seems like Aida has completely changed her wardrobe since we broke up. I mean, honestly she looks good and all, but it's like, why didn't she dress that way when we were together? I guess her boyfriend and good friend are both, let's just say, "nice dressers" (nice being a completely subjective term), and now it's like she has to dress like them either to fit in, or because it's something she's wanted to do but hasn't until now. And, I don't know if I'm just overthinking it, but it feels like she thinks she's too good for me. Well, maybe she is. All I know is that I never made her happy, and I guess I never will.
Stupid me. I start thinking to myself, "Will I ever make anyone happy?" And not just anyone... but will the person who makes me the happiest; will I be able to make her happy? I fucking hope so.
There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now, and I honestly wish I could talk to Aida and tell her about them, but even though we've been talking to eachother a lot lately, it seems like I can't talk to her about anything personal because she's always around her boyfriend. And now he doesn't even want me and Aida to hang out without his presence. Bullshit.
I dont' think Aida ever really understood me, and maybe I never really understood her either. But I honestly tried; however, sometimes it seems like Aida doesn't care. And whenever I say something like that, she just mutters, "Yea, I never care," or, "I don't know what else you want from me." I don't expect Aida to understand me, but I just wish she'd try. Sometimes I even wish she could spend a day in my shoes and feel all the emotions and everything else I go through every day, and how much she herself affects me.
I don't know what else to say. I just really wish Aida and I will still be able to be good friends. Hopefully someday she'll start taking my advice even. I feel like telling her so much, but then I feel like if I do I'll just end up getting shot down as if she doesn't care about what I say or doesn't acknowledge my opinion.
I want to tell her to be careful. I honestly don't think that, even though she may be content with it right now, the relationship she's in and how she's going about it is any good. The've moved rediculously fast. I'm afraid that she's just going to end up in a crash and burn. I honestly don't think Wally is good enough for her. He might seem to be what she wants now, but there's some things that I've noticed that just don't play right in my mind. Who knows, I guess time will tell. But either way, I know I will always be there for Aida, just as she has been there for me in the past. I really hope that she soon realizes that all I have are good intentions for her. I would do anything for Aida, and I don't think she really knows that. I would give my life and so much more for her.
"The truth is you could slit my throat,
and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt."
Maybe I just need to give her even more time and space. Give her room to experience and make mistakes and learn from them on her own. As much as I'd like her not to make the same mistakes, maybe it's necessary for her to realize some things.
But what if she never comes to realize these things... and here I am with my heart aching for her? Life is so fucking confusing. I have honestly never had it easy though. And sometimes I think to myself, "Hey, you've made it through so much in your life, you can make it through anything." It honestly doesn't make it any easier. I know deep down that I will make it through eventually. But fuck, this pain is fucking real... and it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.
I think I need to honestly give Aida time and apace. I just really hope she realizes how much I care about her, and how much I'm hurting because of her. She still has so much of an affect on me. I hope someday, Aida and I will be able to just sit down together, alone, and just tell eachother how we feel.
I can't stop crying, but I guess that's a good thing... just letting it all out. It's certainly better than punching the walls.. or doing something else stupid.
Aida, I'm reaching my hand out to you. I'm just waiting for you to grab hold of my hand and pull me up.
Jimmy Eat World - "Kill"
Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away
So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
I hate feeling this way, and I hate myself for feeling this way. It's a fucking emotional rollercoaster. I was feeling so good about everything; I was beginning to think positively about the future. And then one single thing and it's like I just kicked in the back, and I'm back down on the ground.
God, I guess that's just how much I really care about and love Aida. She still has so much power over me and my emotions. She can still make me feel so incredibly happy, and also make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. It hurts me so much to see her unhappy. And here I am, crying the most I have probably since everything happened.
I mean, she still ended up coming over to my house to see me for a bit, but it was just so awkward. And then, the hugs just didn't feel the same; it didn't feel like they even meant anything. It felt like the hug was almost like a formal or obliged hug. And then as she was leaving, I tried to kiss her on the cheek, but it seemed like she just wanted to avoid it.
Another thing I've noticed is that it seems like Aida has completely changed her wardrobe since we broke up. I mean, honestly she looks good and all, but it's like, why didn't she dress that way when we were together? I guess her boyfriend and good friend are both, let's just say, "nice dressers" (nice being a completely subjective term), and now it's like she has to dress like them either to fit in, or because it's something she's wanted to do but hasn't until now. And, I don't know if I'm just overthinking it, but it feels like she thinks she's too good for me. Well, maybe she is. All I know is that I never made her happy, and I guess I never will.
Stupid me. I start thinking to myself, "Will I ever make anyone happy?" And not just anyone... but will the person who makes me the happiest; will I be able to make her happy? I fucking hope so.
There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now, and I honestly wish I could talk to Aida and tell her about them, but even though we've been talking to eachother a lot lately, it seems like I can't talk to her about anything personal because she's always around her boyfriend. And now he doesn't even want me and Aida to hang out without his presence. Bullshit.
I dont' think Aida ever really understood me, and maybe I never really understood her either. But I honestly tried; however, sometimes it seems like Aida doesn't care. And whenever I say something like that, she just mutters, "Yea, I never care," or, "I don't know what else you want from me." I don't expect Aida to understand me, but I just wish she'd try. Sometimes I even wish she could spend a day in my shoes and feel all the emotions and everything else I go through every day, and how much she herself affects me.
I don't know what else to say. I just really wish Aida and I will still be able to be good friends. Hopefully someday she'll start taking my advice even. I feel like telling her so much, but then I feel like if I do I'll just end up getting shot down as if she doesn't care about what I say or doesn't acknowledge my opinion.
I want to tell her to be careful. I honestly don't think that, even though she may be content with it right now, the relationship she's in and how she's going about it is any good. The've moved rediculously fast. I'm afraid that she's just going to end up in a crash and burn. I honestly don't think Wally is good enough for her. He might seem to be what she wants now, but there's some things that I've noticed that just don't play right in my mind. Who knows, I guess time will tell. But either way, I know I will always be there for Aida, just as she has been there for me in the past. I really hope that she soon realizes that all I have are good intentions for her. I would do anything for Aida, and I don't think she really knows that. I would give my life and so much more for her.
"The truth is you could slit my throat,
and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt."
Maybe I just need to give her even more time and space. Give her room to experience and make mistakes and learn from them on her own. As much as I'd like her not to make the same mistakes, maybe it's necessary for her to realize some things.
But what if she never comes to realize these things... and here I am with my heart aching for her? Life is so fucking confusing. I have honestly never had it easy though. And sometimes I think to myself, "Hey, you've made it through so much in your life, you can make it through anything." It honestly doesn't make it any easier. I know deep down that I will make it through eventually. But fuck, this pain is fucking real... and it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.
I think I need to honestly give Aida time and apace. I just really hope she realizes how much I care about her, and how much I'm hurting because of her. She still has so much of an affect on me. I hope someday, Aida and I will be able to just sit down together, alone, and just tell eachother how we feel.
I can't stop crying, but I guess that's a good thing... just letting it all out. It's certainly better than punching the walls.. or doing something else stupid.
Aida, I'm reaching my hand out to you. I'm just waiting for you to grab hold of my hand and pull me up.
Jimmy Eat World - "Kill"
Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away
So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away