the pain

[ghostuponastage]

So right now... I am in so much pain. And I'm thinking, you know, this is probably all my fault. But it just hurts so much that I feel that I don't even want to exist anymore. Well I know I haven't updated my journal in a long time, guess the only reason I'm doing it now is because I don't have anyone to talk to, only person I do doesn't want to talk to me right now, which is partly why I'm in so much pain. Well, just a few days ago, on the 29th of August, I proposed to Aida, and so now we are engaged. Then today I start getting suspicious of this guy she's starting to hang out with a bit. Then she tells me that he took a bunch of pictures of her and stuff... and since we had decided that we should be telling eachother how we feel, I told Aida during lunch today that I didn't like this guy so much. I also told her not to let him take pictures of her anymore, and it seemed she was okay with that. So much to my surprise today, when i get home from school -- Aida had been out with the guy to lunch while i was at school -- I asked Aida if he had taken pictures of her, hoping that he hadn't. Well she tells me that yea, he took some pictures of her lying on the couch. I mean, I don't know how you would feel if some guy you're already suspicious of is taking pictures of your fiance lying on a couch, but in my case I was especially angry/upset because I had told her not to let him. So then I tell her this, and she says that I have nothing to worry about, and she said that the guy was there at the moment and asked if I wanted to see him over the webcam. That just set me off... I was so angry, I just told her i was going, so i just left. Lying, crying on the couch, I decided it was really wrong of me to just leave because I was angry, since I had made her promise not to leave if she were angry. So then I went back online to see if she was on... and tried talking to her, but she didn't respond... and so i called her. She picked up, and I asked her why she didn't respond. She said she didn't want to talk to me because I didn't want to talk to her. So at this point -- she already sounded really upset over the phone -- i would imagine she was mad. So then she said she was going... because she had to think about "everything" and she couldn't tell me what "everything" was. So i just burst into tears on the phone, while she's saying goodbye, and it felt even worse because it seemed she did not even care that i was in pieces. I know I really fucked up in the first place, but right now... I'm in so much pain... and never have I felt so lost. I can't help thinking that when she said she has to think about everything... that she's thinking about us... and whether or not she wants to continue our relationship. I guess, after thinking about all of this... the real reason I'm so upset about this guy... is that during the summer while she was at NAU, she met this guy who she ended up always talking to because i guess she felt comfortable talking to him. Well in the end, because of fuck-up me, she ended up really needing to talk to him when she and I got into this argument... and she ended up sleeping in this guy's bed, and I'd already been uncomfortable with him too. And I'm not blaming Aida for any of this, but right now I am afraid that this guy will be like the other, and when I fuck up again, she's gonna go straight to him. Sounds kind of silly, huh. Well that's just honestly how I feel. So Aida told me to call her around 4, so hopefully we'd be able to talk... and I'm just kind of afraid right now, afraid that I'm just gonna break into pieces again. Like i said, I feel so fucking lost right now, because I know a lot of this is just all stupid, but it's what I feel and I cannot control my feelings. I really don't know what's gonna happen when I talk to her in a few minutes. All i can think of saying... is sorry, because honestly, I am soo fucking sorry. But I don't know how she's going to take that. I guess I'll just have to see. Well yea, stupid me had no one to talk to, so yea, whoever reads this... thanks for listening. We'll see how soon I end up updating again.

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems... no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
You don't care that it haunts me

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you...