too soon to jump?
so around november i met a friend of my friend john. his name is jay. well. from the second i laid eyes on jay i was crushing pretty hard. but crushes are crushes for a reason right? someone to just have to look at and just wonder what it would be like to actually be with...well from november until as of late..jay was just that. a very adorable funny guy who i would talk to briefly at the bar at panos while i worked and he drank and visited his best friend who bartends there.
well two weeks ago i was at staples and ran into him. he was kissing some girl opened his eyes while kissing her saw me and pretty much shoved her away and walked over to me hahahaa. so we talked for the entire time i was there, while this girl kept trying to pull him away. he would just keep coming back hahaha. he was obviously wasted. i was going to ask for his number but realized id rather wait until he was sober incase he really didnt want to give it to me...so a few days later i get a message online apologizing for his behavior if he offended me in anyway. i guess it was just one of those bad too much to drink nights...he says he doesnt remember much of that night but does remember my face and how he kept coming back to talk to me hahaha.
so the following week im at staples again, he walks in with a bunch of my friends and as he walks by i tap him on the shoulder and we start talking. he grabs my hand and we go into the back where everyone else is. of course playing spin the bottle hahahaha well bike helmet. we talked all night long about anything and everything the whole time he was holding my hand and just looking quite adorable. so needless to say we exchange numbers and we have hung out a couple of times. and every time has been great. we are both ridiculously into horror movies. and he thought he was gonna catch me up and throw some fucked up obscure ones out there and think i had no idea what they were and of course i did! and he says....youre amazing, one of the most amazing people ive ever met the first girl to ever know what the hell im talking about and actually like it hahahaha. neither of us can shut up when we are with each other. which is a good thing. we have so much to talk about and its like when im with him i have all the time in the world to just sit there and laugh and talk and of course make out a lil bit hahaah. i feel like im 15 again when im with him.
so now im faced with this. the entire time i was with anthony we just didnt talk. period. hes literally told me 1000 times that "no offense but i really dont understand what youre talkin about because ive never gone thru something like that or done anything like that or even thought about that kind of stuff, so lets just stop talkin about it and watch tv..." no exaggeration no joke...can you imagine going a year and a half with having pretty much him to talk to on a daily basis....and not really talking? its so amazing that i have someone i can talk to and on top of it knows what im talking about and wants to keep talking. my whole relationship with anthony was a culmination of nothingness. we did nothing, we talked about nothing, we saw nothing....he never wanted to do anything, never wanted to talk, never wanted me....i guess.
so i think...is jay just a rebound? honestly at this point who the hell knows. but i know this. i have had the opportunity to go out on dates this whole month...and ive declined all 7 of them. i immediately said i just wanna focus on liam and me right now. i do know that i have wanted nothing but for anthony to move out since august. ive wanted nothing to do with him since then. i have been doing everything i could since then to slowly weed myself out our relationship. i started changing the apartment around to fit me and liam, i started emotionally detaching myself in august, i started saving bits of money because i knew eventually hed be gone for good, not that he really helped out financially anyways....i started making time for just me. not us. on the days i didnt have work or homework to do id ask him to watch liam so i could go to dinner with a friend or even just by myself... so its not like we "just" broke up. HE just broke up, i broke up with him back in august. ive been getting myself used to that for months and telling myself i deserve better and just doing what i had to for liam and i.
so in all these months that have passed ive been done. ive been over it all. ive had the chance to go out on dates and always declined. but with jay, its different. hes the first guy to want to hang out that doesnt seem like all the others. you know the ones who plan their lives around goin out and getting drunk, figuring out where the next party will be....who will be the lucky lady that night...when theyre too drunk to realize they are telling someone else they think theyre amazing but too drunk to care and are making out with whoever fits for the night....i dont need anymore guys like that. im over it. im done. i dont wanna have to stress about where my guy is and what hes doing with who because hes partying too hard and just doesnt even know whats going on....im sick of guys who have no goals, jobs, cars, money, real things to talk about...real lives....i dont need that bullshit in my life anymore...
jay. jay goes out on the weekends. jay drinks. but jay also doesnt seem like the kind of guy (anymore) that fits the above situations. i know for a fact he used to. but hes 29 and over it. hes been there done that. has a great job, makes good money, the fact he makes any money rules hahaha, he has a nice car, knows how to take care of himself, unlike the man babies i date, he has something to say, something worth listening to, he is in on the weekdays because he knows he has to work, so he takes it easy....hes alot like me. knows his priorities and does what he has to do...hes the first guy even since afrim that seems like he has something right going for him. i dont know. ive been by myself for so long, even though anthony was physically here...i dont really feel like hanging with jay is a rebound. i feel like hes someone i think is totally worth getting to know and just have fun. im not looking for a dad for liam, he has one...maybe a not so good one, but hes there and hes trying...im not looking for a boyfriend. i just want to be happy, i want someone my age to be able to talk to. i mean i have my close friends. who i love dearly. theyre amazing. but theyre married, moved far far away...our schedules conflict soooo much.....im happy to know there is someone there right now that wants to be there for me. that wants to get to know me, listen to what i have to say, wants to see me smile, someone i want to just cuddle up with and talk all night with....who makes me smile so much and makes me blush when he holds my hand....i havent had that in at least two years....i dont think hes a rebound....i guess only time will tell....
for now im happy. for now im not stressing out. for now im just going with it. for now im just letting myself smile and just be....i am happy. happier than i have been in almost a year. well not counting the 1000000 times a day i look at liam and just melt hahahah but for me, for me to have an adult in my life that makes me happy hahha im happy.
well two weeks ago i was at staples and ran into him. he was kissing some girl opened his eyes while kissing her saw me and pretty much shoved her away and walked over to me hahahaa. so we talked for the entire time i was there, while this girl kept trying to pull him away. he would just keep coming back hahaha. he was obviously wasted. i was going to ask for his number but realized id rather wait until he was sober incase he really didnt want to give it to me...so a few days later i get a message online apologizing for his behavior if he offended me in anyway. i guess it was just one of those bad too much to drink nights...he says he doesnt remember much of that night but does remember my face and how he kept coming back to talk to me hahaha.
so the following week im at staples again, he walks in with a bunch of my friends and as he walks by i tap him on the shoulder and we start talking. he grabs my hand and we go into the back where everyone else is. of course playing spin the bottle hahahaha well bike helmet. we talked all night long about anything and everything the whole time he was holding my hand and just looking quite adorable. so needless to say we exchange numbers and we have hung out a couple of times. and every time has been great. we are both ridiculously into horror movies. and he thought he was gonna catch me up and throw some fucked up obscure ones out there and think i had no idea what they were and of course i did! and he says....youre amazing, one of the most amazing people ive ever met the first girl to ever know what the hell im talking about and actually like it hahahaha. neither of us can shut up when we are with each other. which is a good thing. we have so much to talk about and its like when im with him i have all the time in the world to just sit there and laugh and talk and of course make out a lil bit hahaah. i feel like im 15 again when im with him.
so now im faced with this. the entire time i was with anthony we just didnt talk. period. hes literally told me 1000 times that "no offense but i really dont understand what youre talkin about because ive never gone thru something like that or done anything like that or even thought about that kind of stuff, so lets just stop talkin about it and watch tv..." no exaggeration no joke...can you imagine going a year and a half with having pretty much him to talk to on a daily basis....and not really talking? its so amazing that i have someone i can talk to and on top of it knows what im talking about and wants to keep talking. my whole relationship with anthony was a culmination of nothingness. we did nothing, we talked about nothing, we saw nothing....he never wanted to do anything, never wanted to talk, never wanted me....i guess.
so i think...is jay just a rebound? honestly at this point who the hell knows. but i know this. i have had the opportunity to go out on dates this whole month...and ive declined all 7 of them. i immediately said i just wanna focus on liam and me right now. i do know that i have wanted nothing but for anthony to move out since august. ive wanted nothing to do with him since then. i have been doing everything i could since then to slowly weed myself out our relationship. i started changing the apartment around to fit me and liam, i started emotionally detaching myself in august, i started saving bits of money because i knew eventually hed be gone for good, not that he really helped out financially anyways....i started making time for just me. not us. on the days i didnt have work or homework to do id ask him to watch liam so i could go to dinner with a friend or even just by myself... so its not like we "just" broke up. HE just broke up, i broke up with him back in august. ive been getting myself used to that for months and telling myself i deserve better and just doing what i had to for liam and i.
so in all these months that have passed ive been done. ive been over it all. ive had the chance to go out on dates and always declined. but with jay, its different. hes the first guy to want to hang out that doesnt seem like all the others. you know the ones who plan their lives around goin out and getting drunk, figuring out where the next party will be....who will be the lucky lady that night...when theyre too drunk to realize they are telling someone else they think theyre amazing but too drunk to care and are making out with whoever fits for the night....i dont need anymore guys like that. im over it. im done. i dont wanna have to stress about where my guy is and what hes doing with who because hes partying too hard and just doesnt even know whats going on....im sick of guys who have no goals, jobs, cars, money, real things to talk about...real lives....i dont need that bullshit in my life anymore...
jay. jay goes out on the weekends. jay drinks. but jay also doesnt seem like the kind of guy (anymore) that fits the above situations. i know for a fact he used to. but hes 29 and over it. hes been there done that. has a great job, makes good money, the fact he makes any money rules hahaha, he has a nice car, knows how to take care of himself, unlike the man babies i date, he has something to say, something worth listening to, he is in on the weekdays because he knows he has to work, so he takes it easy....hes alot like me. knows his priorities and does what he has to do...hes the first guy even since afrim that seems like he has something right going for him. i dont know. ive been by myself for so long, even though anthony was physically here...i dont really feel like hanging with jay is a rebound. i feel like hes someone i think is totally worth getting to know and just have fun. im not looking for a dad for liam, he has one...maybe a not so good one, but hes there and hes trying...im not looking for a boyfriend. i just want to be happy, i want someone my age to be able to talk to. i mean i have my close friends. who i love dearly. theyre amazing. but theyre married, moved far far away...our schedules conflict soooo much.....im happy to know there is someone there right now that wants to be there for me. that wants to get to know me, listen to what i have to say, wants to see me smile, someone i want to just cuddle up with and talk all night with....who makes me smile so much and makes me blush when he holds my hand....i havent had that in at least two years....i dont think hes a rebound....i guess only time will tell....
for now im happy. for now im not stressing out. for now im just going with it. for now im just letting myself smile and just be....i am happy. happier than i have been in almost a year. well not counting the 1000000 times a day i look at liam and just melt hahahah but for me, for me to have an adult in my life that makes me happy hahha im happy.