love for God
I've never even thought before of raging at God, or questioning Him directly. I honestly find it hard to like the ideas that He may want me to completely drop comics, anime and athiest writers, that so many people in the world are going to hell, and that homosexuality is wrong. I can understand and argue why all these things are just. I just can't like them yet, and the reason can only be ego. As I said, I can't question God; by definition He's always right. But I can't kill the resentment, or stop despairing at my own nature. And I keep sinning, almost as much to hurt God as anything else. If I keep on sinning wilfully, I'm sure I will justly go to hell. And its a sin in itself, but I find it hard to like that either.
I've hardly ever been truly punished for any wrongdoing with more than guilt, and that hasn't stopped me yet. The nearest thing to punishment was on a Scout camp when I bit a boy who was harrassing me in some way, and another boy hit me with a stick. I wasn't in the right, but I still don't think he was reasonable to do that.
Since seriously giving my life to God I've recieved the impression that I've barely ever loved Him before, except on account of what He gives. I know that His Grace is what makes me acceptable, rather than my love or faith. But I don't think I could possibly be sinning as blatanly as I am, if I had any love or faith at all.
I haven't even loved my family or friends as humans; I learned by wrote that helping others is right, but hardly ever sacrificed for anybody, or did any more than they wanted from me. Empathy has always been a problem because of my Aspergers; fictional characters are more real to me than living people at times. And I'm finally seeing myself as trapped in a prison of ego, barely able to love, sacrifice, or care about the views of anyone else. I have a choice to accept who I am, or try to change, but change like this could only come from God through faith, and I need more.
I'm curious how this perspective would change if I were to fail my PhD next month. I could finally put the will of my flesh to death for God, or get knocked down to a last state worse than my very first. At least God knows what's going to happen.
I've hardly ever been truly punished for any wrongdoing with more than guilt, and that hasn't stopped me yet. The nearest thing to punishment was on a Scout camp when I bit a boy who was harrassing me in some way, and another boy hit me with a stick. I wasn't in the right, but I still don't think he was reasonable to do that.
Since seriously giving my life to God I've recieved the impression that I've barely ever loved Him before, except on account of what He gives. I know that His Grace is what makes me acceptable, rather than my love or faith. But I don't think I could possibly be sinning as blatanly as I am, if I had any love or faith at all.
I haven't even loved my family or friends as humans; I learned by wrote that helping others is right, but hardly ever sacrificed for anybody, or did any more than they wanted from me. Empathy has always been a problem because of my Aspergers; fictional characters are more real to me than living people at times. And I'm finally seeing myself as trapped in a prison of ego, barely able to love, sacrifice, or care about the views of anyone else. I have a choice to accept who I am, or try to change, but change like this could only come from God through faith, and I need more.
I'm curious how this perspective would change if I were to fail my PhD next month. I could finally put the will of my flesh to death for God, or get knocked down to a last state worse than my very first. At least God knows what's going to happen.