And now the floodgates cannot hold all my sorrow all my rage..........
I thought things would get easier with time. And it does. But maybe I was expecting miracles. Maybe I was expecting that it wouldn't be so hard.
I was fine when I was home. I got busy doing stuff and if felt like he was just a phone call away. But about two weeks ago I started working again. The first day was one of the toughest days I have ever experienced. Maybe I was naive in thinking that I would be fine with returning to work. But everything that day reminded me of my dad. I work in the same building as he died and I have to walk passed the ward where he died every day. That day I felt exactly like the day after he died. I felt so lost and all I wanted to do was cry.
But mostly what I hate most during this time since I returned to work is peoples reaction about my dad passing away.
Some people are really nice and they ask about how I'm doing and stuff. But some people they say such stupid things.
A woman at work actually said "Isn't it a good thing that he died. The doctors couldn't cure him anyways..."
I wanted to slap her. I wanted to scream in her face: THAT'S MY DAD YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
Sometimes I just want to move far away from people.....
* I hate Christmas. I don't want it anymore. It's not the same without my dad.
* I have this saved text message on my phone from my dad which he send to me a month or so before he passed...I look at it before I go to bed and I miss him more.
* I watched an episode of Buffy. The one where she died and was brought back by the rest of the gang. This quote about heaven fits so well about where I think my dad is and what's it like:
I was happy. Wherever I was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm, and I was loved, and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really, but I think I was in heaven.
* Today is a bad day...I miss him so much.
Maybe tomorrow will be a good day.....
I was fine when I was home. I got busy doing stuff and if felt like he was just a phone call away. But about two weeks ago I started working again. The first day was one of the toughest days I have ever experienced. Maybe I was naive in thinking that I would be fine with returning to work. But everything that day reminded me of my dad. I work in the same building as he died and I have to walk passed the ward where he died every day. That day I felt exactly like the day after he died. I felt so lost and all I wanted to do was cry.
But mostly what I hate most during this time since I returned to work is peoples reaction about my dad passing away.
Some people are really nice and they ask about how I'm doing and stuff. But some people they say such stupid things.
A woman at work actually said "Isn't it a good thing that he died. The doctors couldn't cure him anyways..."
I wanted to slap her. I wanted to scream in her face: THAT'S MY DAD YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
Sometimes I just want to move far away from people.....
* I hate Christmas. I don't want it anymore. It's not the same without my dad.
* I have this saved text message on my phone from my dad which he send to me a month or so before he passed...I look at it before I go to bed and I miss him more.
* I watched an episode of Buffy. The one where she died and was brought back by the rest of the gang. This quote about heaven fits so well about where I think my dad is and what's it like:
I was happy. Wherever I was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm, and I was loved, and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really, but I think I was in heaven.
* Today is a bad day...I miss him so much.
Maybe tomorrow will be a good day.....