y am i up?
Hey everyone!
I don't know even if anyone is even on this anymore. The past month or more has been a hell fuckin roller coaster for me. I don't know what to do. I know I am stronger than this but look what time it is? Its almost 5 in the morning. And I am awake. I havent been sleeping or eating like I used to. I am not really depressed but something is happening to me that I can not describe. I think I have cried more then I have done in a very long time tonight and early this morning. And no I was not drinking alcohol. Since I know a lot of people might think I am an alcoholic now.
But you know what? Its my fault for letting things bother me and being human. I need to just not have feelings, because that way I wouldnt be so sad all the time. I should be spending more time with my family. But however, I am not. I am not focusing on school like my f***in goal was in the first place. I just dont know what to do anymore, and I havent felt like this totally disfunctional useless person in a long time. I just want everyone to be happy but obviously me being in their life does not do it.
I havent been a good friend either. I haven't. But its all going to change. The things in my life and my friends life is kinda funny not to laugh at sometimes. Our lives can be a reality show honestly. And make tons and tons of money. Even though I have my bestest friends in the whole world, it seems to never be enough to be happy anymore. I almost let my friend throw me across the STREET earlier Why? When I am upset I say some of the most ridiculous things. I just care and love too much. But I do everything wrong. I always am hurting someone, and I just can't change. I am a social person when I am out and I guess I shouldn't be, cuz I lead people the wrong way or something. I don't really even wanna hang out anymore. I do cuz its fine. However, when I do its a problem. I just dont wanna leave them. I have so much stuff to do and really need to get back to my life and get my act together. Because it seems I only write these entries when I am in a horrible mood. And I feel like I say the same things over and over.
I don't want to complain or be a hyprocrite, I just am who I am. I know I have changed a little bit. But I am growing up, whether I like it or not and its time to start to be acting more of an adult. I just think everything is so hard now. I make what I want from it, right? All I know is that my head is more confused then it has ever been in my life. I just have to stop thinking about this stupid nonsense. Its not even that serious really. I mean there is no way I could cry anymore, eventho I still want to. I shouldn't even be upset about this stuff when people have more problems than I do. MORE SERIOUS ONES.
But everyone keeps saying i need to do shit for myself and its okay to be selfish sometimes. I agree with that but it has never been me. And maybe my life will be better if I am more selfish. But it sounds so horrible.
Ugh okay now I am rambling about absolutely nothing. I just want to make sure that I can be able to overcome these ridiculous problems because if I can't, I will definitely not the harder things to come. Much love.
-Jen
I don't know even if anyone is even on this anymore. The past month or more has been a hell fuckin roller coaster for me. I don't know what to do. I know I am stronger than this but look what time it is? Its almost 5 in the morning. And I am awake. I havent been sleeping or eating like I used to. I am not really depressed but something is happening to me that I can not describe. I think I have cried more then I have done in a very long time tonight and early this morning. And no I was not drinking alcohol. Since I know a lot of people might think I am an alcoholic now.
But you know what? Its my fault for letting things bother me and being human. I need to just not have feelings, because that way I wouldnt be so sad all the time. I should be spending more time with my family. But however, I am not. I am not focusing on school like my f***in goal was in the first place. I just dont know what to do anymore, and I havent felt like this totally disfunctional useless person in a long time. I just want everyone to be happy but obviously me being in their life does not do it.
I havent been a good friend either. I haven't. But its all going to change. The things in my life and my friends life is kinda funny not to laugh at sometimes. Our lives can be a reality show honestly. And make tons and tons of money. Even though I have my bestest friends in the whole world, it seems to never be enough to be happy anymore. I almost let my friend throw me across the STREET earlier Why? When I am upset I say some of the most ridiculous things. I just care and love too much. But I do everything wrong. I always am hurting someone, and I just can't change. I am a social person when I am out and I guess I shouldn't be, cuz I lead people the wrong way or something. I don't really even wanna hang out anymore. I do cuz its fine. However, when I do its a problem. I just dont wanna leave them. I have so much stuff to do and really need to get back to my life and get my act together. Because it seems I only write these entries when I am in a horrible mood. And I feel like I say the same things over and over.
I don't want to complain or be a hyprocrite, I just am who I am. I know I have changed a little bit. But I am growing up, whether I like it or not and its time to start to be acting more of an adult. I just think everything is so hard now. I make what I want from it, right? All I know is that my head is more confused then it has ever been in my life. I just have to stop thinking about this stupid nonsense. Its not even that serious really. I mean there is no way I could cry anymore, eventho I still want to. I shouldn't even be upset about this stuff when people have more problems than I do. MORE SERIOUS ONES.
But everyone keeps saying i need to do shit for myself and its okay to be selfish sometimes. I agree with that but it has never been me. And maybe my life will be better if I am more selfish. But it sounds so horrible.
Ugh okay now I am rambling about absolutely nothing. I just want to make sure that I can be able to overcome these ridiculous problems because if I can't, I will definitely not the harder things to come. Much love.
-Jen