I tell my love to wreck it all - to cut all the ropes and watch me fall
This is a pathetic attempt at one of my numerous efforts to revive the passion I once had in this journal. I used to write in this journal like it was my bestfriend, a lot of secrets and private thoughts have been divulged to this journal, and one day (like I may have stated before?) I am going to have this journal printed so my kids can read it and get a glimmer into what a fucking 'adventure' I have managed to lead over the years. Am I proud of everything that I have done over the years - of course not, but you know what, those not so glamorous moments and bad decisions have gotten me to where I am today. I've truly grown into a person that I consider tolerable although somewhat flawed, who isn't though. I'm so tired of being self-critical to the point where I've created a complex for myself.
Something astonishing has happened in my life recently that I am still trying to come to terms with and that is the reouccrance of my first love Dan. In this current moment, this very moment everything seems certain almost guaranteed to some extent. When Dan & I parted ways it was almost etched in stone that we were done forever. At the time everything fell apart accordingly, everything perfectly fell into place and for the last four years Dan and I have led entirely seperate lives.
Four years, similar to an eternity, enough to break two people, and a duration of time to ultimately change a person(let alone two people). For me the last four years have transformed me into who I am today, all of my experiences, my journeys around the world, living at college for 3 years, life has been beautiful and bitter sweet. It was one of the toughest things letting go of Dan, but time heals all wounds as they say. I've met enough people( some of which I regret!), gone a lot of places, drank my way into oblivion many of times, but for some reason the slightest thing would remind me him. They also say you never forget your first true love. I've been living my life in a paradox for the last four years. The irony of my life will be the death of me - I'm sure of it. To forgive and forget. To love and let go. To run and never look back. Those three statements I could coin as the main principles of my life, but in all truth I am way too nostalgic to the point where it is almost sickening.
I remember laying poolside in Florida in Disney days before I graduated from Southern New Hampshire University. Ironically my senior trip to Disney happened to be the same location where I went with Dan for a week on winter break in high school. Needless to say my trip to Florida with Dan was special, and I could never replace those memories. I felt surrounded by his presence and was having mere panic attack / flash backs where ever I went in Disney. For the first time in awhile I had actually thought about Dan and wondered what had ever become of him. I envisioned this fantasy in my head that he was long over me and that my name had become almost meaningless in his memory. I quickly caught myself in a whirlwind of depression before I was accompishing something truly great in my life. Just another instance of suppression where it was best to move on and just let go of something that was.
Like a normal child of the Generation Y demographic I sometimes amused myself by looking at his Facebook profile just to feed into my fantasy of how his life could be. Right there in plain view was the first true love of my life, appearing significantly happy, progressing through life year after year. I always silently said happy birthday on June 9th even after I texted him one year and got no response back. I thought my world might collapse right then and there,but as usual I trudge forward with my life. In a way who was I kidding? I lead a life where at glimpse I portray an image that is entirely different than what is.
For me, 2010 has been one hell of a year where I have learned so much about myself through both good and bad experiences. I don't regret ANY of the choices I have made because at one time or another it all made sense and like I said everything seemed certain and guaranteed. Out of the clear blue sky as if one of my dreams(nightmares) was playing out as usual I get a FRIEND request from the one and only person in my life that hasn't left my mind. The reason for capitalization of "friend" is because that word doesn't serve our relationship justice by any means.
Now for the entry that I was intending on writing -
I'm sitting here on the fucking verge of a breakdown. Finally I have Dan back in my life and on our own terms and I am scared shitless to ruin this second chance that has been so graciously granted to me. Is this real? Is this really happening? I've literally spent endless nights sleepless because I'm constantly dreaming that this REALITY is a dream and Dan isn't really back. My second fear that is completely overwhelming me is that the tables have turned and Dan will leave me. He`ll leave me and go back to Chelsea. I'm petrified. In a way I deserve it. As fucked up as that sounds I will mercilessly throw myself into the flames to watch my self burn for punishment for all that i've done. I think I've tortured my soul to the point where I have caused significant permanent damage. In no instance has there been any reasonable doubt for me to think he would go back with her, but my heart is literally out on the line this time and I feel like a ship in a storm just struggling to win this battle. I keep telling myself to stop fucking over analyzing everything, but seriously how am I not suppose to when the person I fell in love with when I was 16 has re-entered my life to complete our fairy tale romance. How is it possible that despite four years of complete silence have brought us back together with a clean slate and a second chance to make it. Not to sound pathetic, but I am pretty sure this movie is called The Notebook. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm trying to hard to be everything. It's like begging him to never leave me, but he's right there infront of me.
One night in his room I was laying on top of him and I cried so hard like a friggin tool because my heart of solid ice has begun to thaw. This is like a dream come true, and I am just anticipating a nightmare although I am hopeful that Dan & I are "new" in a sense. I'm dying to see where this road takes us. I am building courage and getting the strength to let us be together without thinking negatively. Dan is everything to me. I've always carried him in my heart in a special place that I promised to never let go. Here he is - my prince, my knight in shining armour to save me, to save us.