Realizing the Present
You know, I don't think I will ever know myself completely. I don't think I will every be alright. I have a lot of trouble pin-pointing who I am. It's so confusing sometimes...I just wish I knew who I was, then it would be so much easier for me to live. It's not that I want to be like someone I know...I really just don't know. Everything is just a huge question mark. It's just so weird. It doesn't help when my mom walks in and tells me I always take advantage of her, and burn her. Then she tells me I am a sneaky little liar, and that I can't see my friends anymore. They are all going away anyway, so it's not like I will be seeing them. Life is so hard sometimes. I just don't understand. I guess we aren't supposed to really know. I learn something knew everyday, and I guess I grow stronger, but I don't know. I realize something new about life everyday, and how to look at things differently. But somehow, some fucking way, I like...wind up right back at the same spot. Or worse most of the time. Sometimes I just feel so weak, I can't even see nor think straight. I can't sleep anymore. Hardly. I know I am a happy person...but I am not. My...god I don't even know. It's so blurry. I am just so depressed all the time, but I can find the good? I really DON'T KNOW. I wish I could start KNOWING what's wrong with me instead of asking why to everything. All my friends I have now are leaving me behind...and it's not that I am not capable of making new friends...I just don't want new friends. I don't care how many people say that, I didn't know that people say that. I am saying this because I mean it, and this is how I feel. No one thinks the same as anyone else. Sometimes I just want to feel that I am different, and I am acknowlegded. That I am special, and I am creative/artistic. I need so much love. So much. I just want to feel okay, and I want to learn/know that I am okay with myself. But how can I do that if I don't even know who I am? I sick of the question mark, I want the period.