"But I don't really like you..."
That could either be a lyric from this song or it could be how Chris feels about me. I'm hoping the former but I feel like it could go either way at this point.
So sometimes I hate myself?
Let's just start out with my schoolwork. That's where a lot of hatred resonates. I skipped Rhetoric & Writing (so far), Math and World Hunger again this week. I'm horrible. And I had a math test in math today on material I didn't learn because I didn't go to the class. Oh fucking fuckity fuck fuck. BUT I CAN MAKE UP THE TEST NEXT THURSDAY AT 7AM WHICH I'M NOT SUPER PSYCHED ABOUT BUT WILL DO BECAUSE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A MIRACLE. The one good thing to happen to me today... If I fail any classes... aw shit. Fuck. It's my fault, obvs, but sometimes shit happens and I just... I don't know dude.
So let's go on to Chris. Because there's some hatred brewing there as well. Okay, so things were pretty good because he called me for lunch at exactly 1:00 like a nice boy and it was really nice and we just talked foreverrrrr and it was nice. And then later that night I saw him but like I don't know nothing happened and it was whatever and then last night happened...
Everything was going great! Julian, Sam and Chris came over to Ashley's room to hang out with her, Alexa and I and drink some of the jungle juice we made (it was soo good dude, like forreal I'm a master) and everything was fine and Sam is so cute he like bought his girlfriend a really cute ring for Christmas and told us about how he had to persuade her to "not look like a bull" by getting one of those bull ring nose piercings and then we all went over to Sam's room to hang out. And I held Chris' hand as we walked upstairs because it seemed like it'd be a good idea and he was fine with it and I thought everything was fine and then we were all hanging out for a while and I really really wanted to kiss Chris so I whispered in his ear and asked him if he wanted to go to the bathroom for a second because sometimes there's nowhere else to go so we did that and we started making out and it was fine and then he was like "No we can't do this, we just need to sit down and talk." So I sat on the dirty bathroom floor and like it was so weird, guys. Like I don't know he just said shit and like half the time it was that he liked me a lot and half the time it wasn't and it was weird and then we went for a walk and we were walking behind the complex and he told me some stuff and it was weird and then he was like "We can totally just make out back here, that's cool" and so we did for a second until I realized anyone could like look out their windows and see people making out and I don't know I didn't like that so we went and ugh I can't even think about this right now. I don't know, I was too drunk to understand what he was saying to me and Amanda tried to explain what he had been saying to me because she was in our room when we were in there and she pretty much said he just wanted to be friends with me because he didn't feel that it was fair to either of us to hook up if it wasn't going anywhere he doesn't want a relationship. But like that's not what he was saying before. Like, I mean it's embarrassing so I won't say it but like no that's not what he was telling me. And then this afternoon I had lunch with Ben and Alexa and Ben said he had talked to Chris and so I was trying to find out what Chris said and Ben was being a bitch and was like "I think he wants to talk to you himself" but finally I got Ben to tell me something which was that he had from a "very reliable source" (but NOT Chris, pfft) that I was trying to have sex with Chris last night. Now I may have been pretty trashed but I was most certainly not trying to have sex with Chris. Like, just no. I just like kissing him lol. Totally different levels there. But like I don't know.
I haven't talked to Chris today. He said yesterday as he was leaving that he was going to call me tomorrow (today) when we're both sober to talk about it. But he hasn't called. And I don't really want to call him because this has been really really upsetting.
I try to stay emotionally detached from... well everything these days. Like my future, my relationships, my life, whatever. But I was legit sad all day. I couldn't sleep at all last night and just kept thinking that Chris hated me (though he says he doesn't) but like I don't know.
We're supposed to hang out with Julian tonight, I'm guessing Chris will probably be around. I'm also guessing I'm probably going to have to talk to him. I mean, if he's there I want to talk to him. Like normal people. Like normal sober people. But I'm totally drinking tonight. I don't have a class tomorrow. I haven't really had class at all this week, not in my mind. Just went to Sociology. That's it.
Whatever dude.
So sometimes I hate myself?
Let's just start out with my schoolwork. That's where a lot of hatred resonates. I skipped Rhetoric & Writing (so far), Math and World Hunger again this week. I'm horrible. And I had a math test in math today on material I didn't learn because I didn't go to the class. Oh fucking fuckity fuck fuck. BUT I CAN MAKE UP THE TEST NEXT THURSDAY AT 7AM WHICH I'M NOT SUPER PSYCHED ABOUT BUT WILL DO BECAUSE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A MIRACLE. The one good thing to happen to me today... If I fail any classes... aw shit. Fuck. It's my fault, obvs, but sometimes shit happens and I just... I don't know dude.
So let's go on to Chris. Because there's some hatred brewing there as well. Okay, so things were pretty good because he called me for lunch at exactly 1:00 like a nice boy and it was really nice and we just talked foreverrrrr and it was nice. And then later that night I saw him but like I don't know nothing happened and it was whatever and then last night happened...
Everything was going great! Julian, Sam and Chris came over to Ashley's room to hang out with her, Alexa and I and drink some of the jungle juice we made (it was soo good dude, like forreal I'm a master) and everything was fine and Sam is so cute he like bought his girlfriend a really cute ring for Christmas and told us about how he had to persuade her to "not look like a bull" by getting one of those bull ring nose piercings and then we all went over to Sam's room to hang out. And I held Chris' hand as we walked upstairs because it seemed like it'd be a good idea and he was fine with it and I thought everything was fine and then we were all hanging out for a while and I really really wanted to kiss Chris so I whispered in his ear and asked him if he wanted to go to the bathroom for a second because sometimes there's nowhere else to go so we did that and we started making out and it was fine and then he was like "No we can't do this, we just need to sit down and talk." So I sat on the dirty bathroom floor and like it was so weird, guys. Like I don't know he just said shit and like half the time it was that he liked me a lot and half the time it wasn't and it was weird and then we went for a walk and we were walking behind the complex and he told me some stuff and it was weird and then he was like "We can totally just make out back here, that's cool" and so we did for a second until I realized anyone could like look out their windows and see people making out and I don't know I didn't like that so we went and ugh I can't even think about this right now. I don't know, I was too drunk to understand what he was saying to me and Amanda tried to explain what he had been saying to me because she was in our room when we were in there and she pretty much said he just wanted to be friends with me because he didn't feel that it was fair to either of us to hook up if it wasn't going anywhere he doesn't want a relationship. But like that's not what he was saying before. Like, I mean it's embarrassing so I won't say it but like no that's not what he was telling me. And then this afternoon I had lunch with Ben and Alexa and Ben said he had talked to Chris and so I was trying to find out what Chris said and Ben was being a bitch and was like "I think he wants to talk to you himself" but finally I got Ben to tell me something which was that he had from a "very reliable source" (but NOT Chris, pfft) that I was trying to have sex with Chris last night. Now I may have been pretty trashed but I was most certainly not trying to have sex with Chris. Like, just no. I just like kissing him lol. Totally different levels there. But like I don't know.
I haven't talked to Chris today. He said yesterday as he was leaving that he was going to call me tomorrow (today) when we're both sober to talk about it. But he hasn't called. And I don't really want to call him because this has been really really upsetting.
I try to stay emotionally detached from... well everything these days. Like my future, my relationships, my life, whatever. But I was legit sad all day. I couldn't sleep at all last night and just kept thinking that Chris hated me (though he says he doesn't) but like I don't know.
We're supposed to hang out with Julian tonight, I'm guessing Chris will probably be around. I'm also guessing I'm probably going to have to talk to him. I mean, if he's there I want to talk to him. Like normal people. Like normal sober people. But I'm totally drinking tonight. I don't have a class tomorrow. I haven't really had class at all this week, not in my mind. Just went to Sociology. That's it.
Whatever dude.